Is this a test?

long shot

This past couple of weeks has been extremely difficult for a friend and mentor of mine. She has been quite ill. Another bird of a feather too has been having trouble sleeping due to his constant pain. There are many people I know who are having issues of physical pain and lack of sleep because of their discomfort. I am not sure what is going on  and I cannot help but wonder if this is in part due to global issues and the negative energy emanating from the strife overseas.

I know chronic pain well as I have Psoriatic Arthritis. It hit me very hard this weekend, rendering me unable to walk. When I went to bed, I was fine and I actually got up at one point in the night without difficulty. In the morning, I could not stand on my right ankle as the pain was excruciating. It was all swollen. I did nothing to cause this. I have never had a flare like this and in never in that ankle. I made my way through the day and hobbled like an old woman. Oh wait, I am an old woman. It kept me up most of the night, but this morning it is better, which is good because I have to work this Sunday.

Why does pain seem so prevalent now? The severity of the medical situations that I am aware of  seems to be pretty acute. One person I know has ovarian cancer and several of my coworkers are recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Another coworker just lost her 45 year old husband to cancer. Coworkers are falling and hurting themselves and several are just ill or suffering with chronic pain. It would be interesting to see if there was a way to measure the level of pain in the world right now to see if this is a global phenomenon. Is humanity feeling the discord and suffering caused by the monstrosities occurring in the Middle East?

One theory is that this is a test. As the possibility of global war looms in the future, and as the Quickening approaches, is this a test to see how strong we are? In my opinion, there is nothing more frightening than losing your health or battling with constant pain. If a force wanted to spread terror and weaken their enemy, making them suffer with illness would do it. And negative energy spreads like wildfire, much more easily than positive. We are mentally wired that way unfortunately.

But the strong will survive. I watch my friend with the ovarian cancer joke and laugh as if nothing is happening to her. This is her second round of chemo for it. She did not lose her hair this time. What strength and power she has and it humbles me. We need to focus on the survivors and absorb their power and strength. It gives me courage when I hear of the perseverance and moxie that people demonstrate in the line of fire of chronic and acute illnesses. We need to sing of these heroes. As a collective, we need to embrace and honor these warriors and change the fear to fortitude. We need to hold and comfort our wounded and infirmed and bolster their will power to continue to live without fear or shame. We need to create a shield to protect us from the epidemic of depression which I believe is a major contributor to illness. We need to rise against this onslaught and broadcast positive and healthy energy. Everyone can contribute to this cause.

To my friends and to the world, get better and well. We need you all.





In honor of John

don  1

Two years ago I walked in to a physical therapist’s office not knowing at all what I was facing. I think back to that time in my life and it is hard to remember the fear and pain I was in all the time. It was so pervasive that I was unable to even sense how deep it was. I just lived with it. I did not know what flight, fight or freeze was and how the limbic system worked. I did not understand much of anything that was going to be presented to me in the following years. I had expectations of walking into his office and he would look at me, give me ten exercises and tell me to be on my way. “See ya next week.” I was so wrong.

Every week I would show up and like a terrified animal, I would wrap myself up as tight as I could get and almost cringe as I walked into the office or into his treatment room. I hated that yellow room. It scared me. But the daemons were all of my own making. It took months before he could even touch me to help me. Looking back it is hard to remember what it felt to be that scared all the time. It is hard to remember how hypervigilant I was all the time. I was a terrified human being whose bruises were apparent to everyone. I felt disconnected to everyone and everything. No one knows how really bad it was except John, who stood at the edge of the rabbit hole and extended his hand. It was his pulling me up to the next level that allowed me to fight for myself and ask for more help. His investment in me gave me strength and hope, something no one else had ever done for me.

Something amazing happened. I began to trust him. It was his faith in me and the courage he gave me that allowed this healing to occur. I asked to heal and I made a commitment to work on healing. My wounds were very big, some so deep that I did not even know all the pieces. Together we would eradicate the fear as they surfaced and together we would face them. I spent hours writing and sending him my thoughts; pages and pages of it. He patiently would respond with encouragement and hope. It was his hope, his light that gave me the strength to continue.

And I did continue. I found other guides who joined my crusade to aide me. I would crash and burn continually. I literally fell on my face once, but I spent hours doing face plants in a metaphorical sense. I think back and I wonder why would anyone go through something like this? Well, like the chicken, I wanted to get to the other side. We even would fight as I thought I wanted something I felt he was not providing. He was wise and knew in time I would get what I needed. Like a young child, he nurtured me and showed me that my impatience was not a bad thing but I needed to learn to trust. I still struggle with this but I am so much better.

My wheel has turned and I continue to grow. I have been blessed with a new teacher who I connected with a year ago. She has taken me places I never would have dreamed of before I walked into that small office two years ago. I write this in an effort to encourage others who are as afraid as I was to seek help and support. I am hoping someday I will pay back all that I have received by helping others find the strength to heal. I will never have the words to express the extent of my gratitude for all those who have helped me.

Tomorrow is my last scheduled visit with John. It is bittersweet because he has been such a huge part of my life. But because of his work with me, I know it is time to move on. I am hoping he will let me see him periodically.

Mr. Borden, know this: I will love you eternally. My gratitude will be demonstrated by continuing to work and grow and not falter on this quest. I know I was a challenging windmill, sir. Never doubt your power and magic as you do possess these things. My light burns bright because of your light. It will be with me always. Thank you.


Dealing with Weight….. part one

I am embarking on a new layer or spiral as part of my healing journey. It is probably the hardest piece of my life I have yet to face. It is dealing with shame and guilt and the result of that which has manifested in being overweight. And I hate that term, overweight. I am going to use large. Every day, we are bombarded with messages that say horribly things that only help carry the message of guilt and shame for people about their size; some who are not carrying an ounce of non-required weight. It has created an epidemic of anorexia and other eating disorders. In an attempt to be helpful, I am sure, the medical field has continued to propagate methods for quick weight loss that also create permanent health issues including death. Our society is so wrapped up tight on the perfect image that people in droves are allowing themselves to carved open and subjected to radical procedures such as stapling and banding their stomachs. The results often are newly induced problems like blood clots, the inability to process nutrients and food which then cause severe iron deficiencies, hair loss, diarrhea and more. And often, in time, the person ends up putting the weight back on. And why?

The issue is not in the fat cells. The issue is not the person’s consumption. If this was true, why is it possible for many people to eat the food they do and not gain weight? And do NOT tell me it is because they exercise. Yes that helps, but I know many people who eat whatever and whenever and do not work out and remain thin. My whole family was thin. I am the only one who is large and I ate the same foods they did growing up. I was not allowed to sit and watch TV and it was a rare day I could even sit and read. I rode my bike for miles, swam like a fish, worked in gardens and on friends farms, and when home; chores and yard work. I was not idle. At a certain point in my early teen years, my food was regulated by my mother as she harped on my size constantly. There was no running off to a fast food place to stuff something down. Everyone knew you when you lived in a small town.

And before anyone jumps on their high and mighty, yes of course, there ARE people who eat too much. But that is their choice. We radically are quick to judge a large person. People feel absolutely righteous in proclaiming their opinion on a person’s size. I cannot get with a group of women that without fail and within a short period time, the topic of weight will come up. Often, some zealous person will tell me about their success with weight loss, and leave the conversation with the question unspoken yet there, “what is wrong with you that you can’t….have you ever tried….?”

This does need an answer. But first, I want to address the feeling this produces so that other who walk this walk know they are not alone. And I am making a vow that I am going to reply from now on with, “What makes you think I haven’t tried? I have spent my whole life trying.” And that is the truth. I measure with strong self judgment everything I put into my mouth. I was just about to go into a litany of what I do to as if I need to justify myself. That is stopping also. It is no one’s business what I eat, when I eat and what I do with my body. But I am going to give some examples of how living large has affected me when it comes to the general public.

I stopped ever ordering milkshakes. When fast-food joints started offering them, I tried them and of course loved them. What 15 year old would not? I stopped when someone in line said, “should you really order that honey?” I have never had a milkshake since. I love peanut M and M’s. It was my favorite treat once a month when chocolate is the primary medicinal resolve for discomfort. I remember purchasing a bag and as I turned away from the counter some total stranger had the balls to come up and pat my stomach. I did not eat candy much because I had issues with the lack of strong enamel on my teeth and my hatred of the dentist. Even now writing this, I feel the shame this produced and continues even today when I go out. I am better about it, but not much. I apologize when I order desserts. I used to explain my purchases when I was at the grocery store. Who does that? I would feel the need to explain chips or a dessert and such to the checkout person even if was for a party. Really, who does that? Only someone who has felt the guilt and shame produced from being of size. I have never heard anyone say “oh I am purchasing this 24 pack of beer because I am having a party”, even if they are a raging alcoholic and this purchase was truly going to be consumed that night alone.

And do not tell me that this is self-inflicted. No sir, it is not. Next time you check out of a grocery store, look at the magazines staring at you as you wait. “Lose ten pounds by farting…. You CAN be thin, if you sew your mouth shut…” Ok, I am exaggerating the article titles but not by much. The media pumps this information everywhere. The diet industry is one of the biggest in the nation. I think it is great that there are things out there that do help people, don’t get me wrong. Changing your eating habits to eating healthy is critical. And the older you get, the more important that is. But trust me; people think automatically that if you are large, you do not eat healthy. That is such a lie.

Again, the general public is predisposed to speak their minds about what large people eat. I am not saying all large people eat great, but there are many of us who do. We also are experts on diets because we have probably tried everyone out there. I eat at my desk at work and we do not have doors on our offices. I do not like to take my lunch break because I like to stay focused and keep working. When I do take a break it is to go for a walk… ( ha, shocked huh?) I have done this for as long as I can remember. But it seems my coworkers have no problem to comment on my food. I used to eat salad every day with low fat dressings I make. It was rare day when I ate something different for probably fifteen years. I cannot eat salad that much anymore, so now it is a piece of chicken and egg or a piece of cheese and some prepared veggie or cukes. Without fail, it does not waver much. It is not important to me what I eat as long as it is easy, but it seems many people comment on it. “Oh, you eat so healthy”, they will proclaim in shock. I have had people stand in my doorway and go on and on about their diet and eating habits, like I give a shit. I have one woman who works near me who periodically stops in to see what I am having as if it is a test.

I must also comment on the diet industry, especially Weight Watchers and Nutrisystem. First WW: I have tried WW at least four times. Two were face to face meetings. The last time, I did lose some weight, but I was so put off from the experience I said I would never go back. The woman would weigh everyone in then make a big deal with stickers and hoopla about anyone who had lost five or more pounds. I can remember watching a fellow dieter fight tears and then leave the room because she was so humiliated and frustrated. The WW woman would then spend the rest of her time either talking about her children or selling the WW foods she brought. I have done the on-line twice, with little success. They last time I tried this was when WW decided to not count fruits and vegetables in the points systems. You could eat as much as you wanted “free.” I gained weight. I do not eat meat. I am not a big bean eater either. I took my diet to three nutritionists, who could not figure out why the pounds were not melting off. I spent six months on the strict consumption only to gain three pounds. Screw that! Other diets such as the ones that provide the food for you will make you lose weight, but they do not teach you to eat for life. Chances are you will put it all back on then some only in hopes you will buy their products again and again.

This post is long enough for now. I will continue with a series of posts about this topic as I travel through a new portal. I will explain this all later on.

For those of you who may completely get where I am coming from and may have your own personal history of weight issues, I encourage you to refocus. We are NEVER going to change the world’s opinion on this topic. But you can surely change your own opinion about yourself.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. The failure is the judgment and lack of compassion of others. Hear me.

I am putting a link here to some very serious medical studies and I will be talking about this in the near future. But, take a look. Take the small assessment. For some, it may open a new door to healing.


I am with you all on this journey.




Giving to yourself

Take off

I just spent three days in a wonderful spiritual workshop with ten other lovely ladies. It is in a series of classes I am taking on Spiritual Healing Touch. When I took the first class over almost a year ago, I was filled with doubt and fear so much that I almost did not go. But on the recommendation of a long time mentor, Dr. Kates, I went. This started quite a significant part of my journey. I look back and think how I was then and what I thought I was supposed to do. I was stilled trapped in figuring out what people wanted from me and what the expectation was in everything I did. It always filled me with trepidation.
This is the third class and in between we have had Circle nights where we get together and either just talk or learn new techniques. I had in my head that this was about becoming something and now I know I was placed here for something I would not have understood a year ago. This was for me; a gift to learn more than how to lay hands. The healing was from within for me. This was the true gift. I would not have been able to accept that in the past because I would think “I am not worthy.” But I know better now and the only way to move forward is to “heal thy self first”. And it is not selfish; it is our right to be healthy and whole. It is our destiny. And if you are willing to do the work, and there is a lot of never ending work to do on yourself, it is the best gift you can give or get. No one else can do this for you. No one can truly heal another. We can guide, we can support each other and we can help the energy to find healing but unless the receiver is willing and able and most important: engaged, it is all for not.
I came away from the workshop with so much more than one step closer to my achieving a goal, which was the original intent. I find the completion of the class less significant now, although I will finish the series. I did come away with some powerful tools to help others. But I came away with a ton of things to help myself. Every morning we had to pick a word from a deck of little angel cards and share it. Or add our own word to demonstrate how we were feeling. I used my own words that came to me in the morning before class. They were acceptance and courage. One of the last cards I selected was Love. Those were the gifts.

What is cycling

spinning top

I want to share part of the experience that I go through and have for the last two years. I refer to it as cycling. I did not know what it was even when I was doing it. But others did and they would wait patiently for me to return, as I always did . I think this effect is very common but I did not know that. But I will tell you I hated it. I still do, but I aware of it and more comfortable when I am in a spin.

So what is cycling? It is the pattern of experiencing jubilant happiness, almost to being high to the slamming down to extreme depression and then eventually even out. When I would go through one of these episodes, the high was very, very short lived but not so the depression. That would last and it would seem forever before I would find even footing.

I share this because I want anyone who is going through something similar to know it is ok. It is all part of the healing process. I did not know that. I would be over zealous in my short lived high. I would express love and joy and thought I had found nirvana only to cascade down and do what I called a face plant. It was a regular event. These episodes were brought on by therapy sessions of certain kinds that would induce extreme sensations and feelings. It was necessary to knock down the walls that I had created. I had to release so much and it was the manner that allowed that to happen. Fortunately for me, I have caring and loving people who support me.

I still cycle. Recently I experienced the sensation of feeling like I was a bit invincible. I was celebrating a new found space of comfort and growth. At first I was satiated and feeling Devine and then the downward thrust. It does not matter what caused it or what this particular episode was about because it is always the same. The good news is the time from high to low to even is much, much shorter and neither is as extreme. I can embrace the “even” sooner.

I share this now because part of what I am really “getting into” is the physiology of what happens in the brain and the body along with the spiritual components. Mind, body and spirit are totally intertwined. I find this all fascinating.

Pharmacy nightmare

pharmacy       “And how can I screw up your order today?”

This is a tale of debauchery and exploitation of the highest kind. I put this out there for my fellow bloggers so that the word can spread. The crime is health care and in this case, the pharmaceutical branch. Here is the plot. They make it impossible for humans to get the medicine they manufacture to the point of desperation. That way the suffering idiots will pay anything for it.

I am on a specialty drug called Enbrel. Enbrel runs about $1760.00 a shot. It may be more now. I would do just about anything I could to get off this. My reasons have only been amplified after this week. Enbrel suppresses the over active immune system I have which causes the inflammation every time I move. It also slows down the production of extra cells that create the psoriasis on my skin and in my organs.  I am lucky because it works. I was on originally taking it every week and I have reduced the dosage significantly. It also has some nasty side effects like making me incredibly susceptible to infections that could kill me because I would not be able to fight them off and can produce cancer cells.  No problem.

I called in my prescription into Accredo last November when I had to switch insurances. It took two months to get the first order. I had to go through so many hoops but I did get it. Then for my next shipment, they decided not to send it because the weather was bad. Really? It is not like they hand carry it. Well, that was just the beginning of a long process of lies. Every time I called them, I had to start with a new person and they had to hear the story and then read the notes. The outcome in the last six calls was they had it figured out. Every time, it was something else wrong. But it was also an hour every night on the phone. The last time I called, the woman was so pleasant and assured me she had it figured out. This call was an hour and half. She wanted me to call the next day to her supervisor who she sat near and she would then get on the phone. She did not have a direct number. The next day I called at the specific time and the number went right to voice mail. I did it five times…which give me some satisfaction because she has five annoying voice mails that say nothing. Then I called the main number and supposedly got someone else who said it was her supervisor too and she was at her desk and that she would go get tell her to take this call. And the other lady who was supposed to be at her desk was at lunch. Who would imagine that? So I waited as she transferred me and she said she would stay on the line until the supervisor picked up. I was so excited….and then, click….. nothing.

That did it. I had our benefit person call the insurance company directly and they called through and supposedly they are getting it fixed. Then I called the rheumatology office and they are on it and supposedly it is being shipped out on Monday. We will see. I hope I get a ton of it as it lasts for two years. Do not use Accredo if you can or Express Scripts which is the same.

On top of this, I get a B12 shot monthly. I went to the doctor on Thursday to get it and they are out. They do not have any and they cannot get it. I was absolutely disgusted with all this. This is like being held hostage.

The good news is I did some research and found something better than the B12 shot which was not working. In four months of shots I only raised my level 87 points. I am not even close to the normal range.  In my research, I also discovered that my ridiculously low B12 is also a contributing factor to the Psoriatic Arthritis and some of the other symptoms I have like poor metabolism. There is something interwoven in the inability for me to absorb B12 and what the impact the lack of this crucial vitamin causes in symptoms. I am now trying with the doctor’s suggestion  sublingual methylcobalamin 5000 MCG and folate 800mcg. This is over the counter and not uncommon in better pharmacies. It seems like there are so many things that this simple remedy will cure…not mask but alleviate. I had to do the work and the research. It really makes me upset but this is truly the path western medicine is headed. And customer service is a dying skill.

Learning to reprogram

fledgling eagle

This is in sympathy for all who travel a bumpy and difficult road. I am in a place where I am hoping to discover and create a much less pothole-filled journey for myself.  I spent a quiet weekend with time for reflection and thinking about all that is going on in my life. I am totally aware that the only direction I can take to become healthy and whole is to reprogram the negative thoughts that permeate my life. So I am really focusing on trying to bring in experiences that would start to reprogram my reactions and build a new storage for a more positive attitude. Who would think that this would be so difficult, but it really is.

Let me just explain again that this is not thinking positive. That does not work and will not work for me. What I am talking about is a total immersion into an experience that creates and imprints a somatic sensation that can be put into storage to use in the same manner that I use negative sensations. I need to teach the body to react to triggers with calm and create a positive response instead of tumbling down into an abyss of upset and anger.  I am not making an excuse, but I have a very deep well of the type of reactions that cause me to be fearful and pull me down. Over fifty years in the making I might add. And these reactions are killing me with their toxic chemicals and destruction of my organs and the hippocampus. The hippocampus will atrophy with continual flooding from cortisol. From the website of the National Library of Medicine :

Non-psychiatric patients with asthma and rheumatic disease who received chronic corticosteroid treatment had a smaller hippocampus and more severe symptoms of depression than patients with the same medical conditions who had not received steroid therapy (Brown et al 2004).

There is evidence that humans having experienced severe, long-lasting traumatic stress show atrophy of the hippocampus more than of other parts of the brain.[72] These effects show up in post-traumatic stress disorder,[73] and they may contribute to the hippocampal atrophy reported in schizophrenia[74] and severe depression.[75] A recent study has also revealed atrophy as a result of depression, but this can be stopped with anti-depressants even if they are not effective in relieving other symptom.   

So as the above explanation says that yes, you can mask the symptoms by taking antidepressants. This is not an avenue I will do. I believe strongly that there is a way to correct all of this and I am invested in staying the course.  I have to laugh a bit at my frustration of not finding an easy fix and simply turning a switch and “be all better.”

So some of the things I did this weekend were to cook and bake. I have a new stove and oven and my kitchen is now a joy to work in. My husband and I created an Italian feast on Saturday to devour on Sunday. I also experimented with a brownie recipe. We decided at the last minute on Sunday to head out to the Lake so I could take pictures. I needed a River fix, but this was as close as I could get. It did help just to go someplace else but the bleakness of this winter is cast on the water. See my blog from yesterday. I spent the rest of the evening engrossed in an on-line class. Learning is always a positive enforcer for me.

This morning, I spent extra time on meditation because I could feel the anxiety building already before I had finished my coffee. I enjoyed the new shower immensely and was grateful that we had gone through all the struggles to get it put in. As I was driving to work, I realized mid-sentence that I was enmeshed in a singular conversation with my thoughts that were all negative. The sun was out and the snow was sparkling in the crispness of the one degree air. I was almost to work before I stopped and started to pay attention to the beauty that was surrounding this morning trek. As I walked into work, I noticed that a little sparrow had taken up residence in a light overhead and was busy constructing a nursery of sorts for the arrival of spring. Her little song is still playing in my head. I have to consciously stop and allow the experience to totally cover me and become absorbed.

It worries me that I will not have enough time on this plane of existence to correct the damage I have done to my body.  It is so much easier to turn towards the negative and dwell in the dark reassesses of my life. I admit it. It is hard work to find the bright spot when you have blinders on. It is also difficult to move out when you are mired down in situations that are toxic and frustrating. The many tests on my fortitude and resilience have a tendency to wear me down easily.  But there is something inside that says that the darkness is not who I am. It is what has propelled my so far on this journey and although it has dimmed and also burned brighter, it has not left me.




Winnie and Me

winnie the pooh
I just watched a wonderful webinar with Dr. Bruce Lipton who wrote the Biology of Belief. He is a biologist whose work with stem cells led him to some very interesting discoveries. Some of you may know his work. I read the book a while ago and was not able to “get it” all. Tonight’s webinar is in a series of Wednesday night offerings. Two weeks ago there was one that was like a wake up slap that led me to more understanding about the connection between the brains older systems and the connection to neuro imprinting to the way I live and why.

Tonight Dr. Lipton was talking about the fallacy that we are controlled by our genes. The way we are is not genetically predisposed at all. Matter of fact, according to the good Doctor, genes are not at all involved in why we do the things we do. He says that it is from the imprinting done in utero and up to the age of seven. I will try to explain his theory. And it is substantiated theory which I am personally engaged in understanding.

He explains that you take stem cells and put them in a petri dish, they will multiply exponentially until they create a new body of cells. He says the material they grow the cells in is basically man made blood and that the human body is a living petri dish. The correlation is the same for growing new cells and hence we survive biologically, growing new cells multiple times, just like the plastic petri dish.

But he says that what is different in his studies is that he could impact the cells in the petri dish by changing the environment. No frontal cortex there. In previous things I have read, and also in this webinar he talks about stress hormones and the impact they have on the body. We know that being under stress the body releases chemicals to react and to survive. There is no “thinking” when this happens. It is automatic. Matter of fact the thinking mind stops and the brain goes to a lower system that automatically “knows” what to do. He said they observed a change in the cellular makeup when they introduce stress chemicals such as cortisol even in the petri dish. This is just a real quick overview of what he was saying.

He said something I did not know and that I think was terribly important and connects more in the arena I have been studying. He said that an unborn child learns stress before he/she is born if the mother is stressed. The chemicals are transferred into the placenta and into the child. So a child whose mother is under stress will impact the child automatically, imprinting the circuitry that creates fear stimulating the fight, flight or freeze mechanisms. And once the child is born, that impact is continuous up until the age of seven. And why? Because children fire a different brain wave called theta, which is the same brain wave that accesses the subconscious in hypnosis and deep mediation.  Children are truly sponges and are constantly pulling information in and imprinting it in their subconscious. So if you live in an environment that is chaotic, abusive and violent as a child, imagine what that does. And as an adult, you may cognitively think you are not upset, or that things are not bothering you, but your body is off doing its own thing. And viola…

So I said something in a previous post about my science project. It continues and this week was not as successful as I had hoped it would be. I employed a tool and some other techniques to help stabilize my reactions and my physical well-being. Nope, did not work. I know this is going to be a long process because there is a lot to retrain, but I was disappointed in myself very much. I had a horrible day on Monday but thought I had everything under control. But I did not, and I reacted poorly which ended up making things worse. And even when I THOUGHT I was good, my body was preparing for battle. And so, I erupted at the wrong thing. Which afterwards, my physical condition went to hell. My gut instead of shutting down went the other way. I never know which it will be, which is fun. I have not slept well and now my left ankle is as big as a tree and pain is coursing through my body. Just in case you may not know, inflammation is a marker for stress but it often appears after the initial dosage of stress chemicals assaults the body. So, for me, there is a cyclical pattern, which believe me, I want to stop. I explode or get terribly depressed or a combination of the two, I tighten up all my muscles causing cramping and the inability to breathe deeply and my digestion is interrupted, followed by intense Psoriasis and arthritic flares which appear anywhere. Dr. Lipton talked about how babies who are stressed in utero often have digestion issues because the blood flow goes to the extremities and not the visceral organs. Instead the abundant cortisol transfers into fat and deposits in the abdomen to protect those organs. Hello…. I was born with huge digestion issues that were only resolved by giving me small feedings of  goat’s milk as an infant. My digestion or lack of it has plagued me my whole life. And my Winnie the Pooh shape is a testimony to the production of said deposits.

I know I have not discovered anything new. There is a lot of information coming out on all of this. There are a lot of reasons why but the answers to stopping it all seems to vary. But it is just a relief for me to know there are reasons things are the way they are. And I continue to learn.

The experiment part 1

Charlene and friends  1

I  feel like a scientist this week. I am involved in an experiment and I am the subject as well as the observer. It was spurned by a webinar and DVD that I was listening to. In short review, I finally understand the neuroscience behind all the “things” I have been going through. I am not going to rewrite about it as it is pretty spelled out if you go back a couple of my blogs. There is a lot of material coming out on neuroplasticity and retraining the brain. Some of it I have worked with such as EFT . Interesting stuff but this is not what I want to share. I was pleasantly surprised with a simple method that I was told about many times but never could wrap my brain around it. There was a piece missing for me for it to make sense.

 Thinking happy thoughts does not work for me. I cannot sustain a “happy thought” for very long and the residual affect does not stay for long. It is like the passing smile that fades when one forgets why they are smiling. I was pleased to learn in my reading and listening that this is normal. Normal…. We are made to be negative and suspect. It is what keeps us safe. I thought a lot about that this week.

I remember as a child that I had little fear of people. I loved everyone. I had a smile and hug for everyone. I was not a safe child and I paid dearly. I learned quickly to hide and that was my protection. I was not smart about people my whole life. I struggle with it even today, although I have some tools now in my arsenal that I did not have before. My little girl inside me still feels incredibly sad that this world is this way and it adds to my disconnect to most people. I have come to accept it and I also have accepted that I am different form most and that is ok. I just have to learn to cope better here, on this plane and place.

 Negativity is toxic. Being sad and angry and upset is poison that courses through the body like a snake destroying not only the spirit, but in my case, my body. I am embracing a new process which is fascinating for me. It is not new, it has been told to me by many and I just could not connect it. It is just part of the new experience I am working on.

 On Friday, a friend at work came into my office. She reads this blog, so I hope she does not mind me sharing. She was telling me how she really got something out of the last webinar on imprinting good sensations. She was going to try to work on imprinting good feelings as much as she could. She said she was stopped at a four way stop and the other car let her go. As she proceeded past the other car, my friend waved quick thanks. The other car waved back. It struck a chord in my friend and she allowed the feeling of kindness wash over her for a few minutes. She said it was quite embracing and felt lovely. She said it stuck with her for a while. She also said she got how this would be something she could draw on later.

 When she told me of her experience I was so happy for her. I too had decided to try my own episodes of imprinting. I fortunately had an opportunity to have a session with John, my PT who did a Reflax on me. It is very hard to explain, but the sensation of touch coupled with feeling safe and warm, listening to music course through headset and chair is very powerful. It is like a super fix of good feelings. I have had this done many times, but never had the same imprint as this time because I understood it. Although there is a temporary high and then polar rebound for me, I took away a few things which I employ when I start to feel a stressor. All week I would take a moment and just breathe and let something nice wash over me and I would bath in the feeling. It is too soon to say if this is working. I am also working on something else which I think is stunning, but I am not ready to share yet. This is the scientist part I was alluding to in the beginning.

 I am going to add something that I did not get before either. When you are in a negative state, it festers and blooms until you become completely absorbed in the sewage. And we help each other get to that state by feeding crap to each other. I stopped watching the news a long time ago. Now I do not watch TV at all. I check out Facebook but do not live for it. Matter of fact any free time is now spent on reading or writing. I try not to feed the beast. This last week at work, I kept to myself a lot more. I did spend time with the people I care about there and that makes it easier to deal with the garbage stuff going on. But I conscientiously looked for pleasant moments and really let them soak in. On my ride to and from work, I really drew on the beauty of the fields and orchards I pass. I looked for birds and spotted a few hawks. We went for a ride on Saturday and I spotted four Hawks, which always imprints a sensation of protection for me. And there is a reason for it. There were spotless nights with the moon peeking out between the barren branches. There was a blanket of love that was sent from a far that enveloped me at different times all week. I sensed the comfort and care that this energy was sent with, and embraced it fully. It allowed me to be able to return the gift wrapped in gratitude and that also felt wonderful to project.

 For so long, my being was encapsulated in a shroud of anger and pain. The fabric was woven many years ago and layer upon layer was applied. It numbed me. I had to get to a place that I felt safe enough to start to really let the sheaths slip away. For me, I needed to understand and really connect. There are some who know how much studying, reading and research I have been doing in this short year and half. Like a sponge, I have been looking for the reasons and answers to so much. Many have said slow down, “just be”. Ah, the truth is; I was just being me all along. So I will continue to work at understanding as hard as I have. I am taking the next steps with strong conviction and strength. And as I wrote that, I allowed the feeling of power wash over me and embrace me mind, body and soul.

Snake oil and an open mind


I am very excited about the next leg of my journey. I am not going to be able to discuss much of what is planned because I am entering this phase with an open but blank mind. And that is what I want to talk about tonight: Not having an open mind. It is something that permeates our society. We are not open in truth to new possibilities until we are either so desperate or we are sold by persuasion. The art of following your gut is totally under rated and dismissed in the educational process of our western world. Our children do not come out of school equipped well with critical thinking or thinking outside the box. It was one of the things that stopped me from continuing to teach in a formal education program. “Do it this way and this way only” is the mantra of the current education system.

Unfortunately, we also learn conformity in our adult life. “Look this way, perform that way only.” I have never done well with that. But I also have never done well with failure. And so when I saw my life headed for a point of no return, I took a chance. I was not really ready or willing to go to my first appointment with a Physical Therapist, but I was also desperate for healing in what I thought was only physical pain. Ok, that’s what I thought. I think the thought of living with the pain I had and knowing that I was getting worse was horrifying to me. I also think I was tired of the years of current medical practice of medicate the symptoms and produce a whole lot more, which then produces a need for medication….on it went. I wanted off and I was willing to step out of the normal practice. I really had limited information on alternative medicine or practices. Where had I been?

This also produced for me a strong obsession to learn. I have no shame about this. To want to learn is nothing to feel bad about in any way.  So this is one of the new things I have learned: I am done apologizing for being true to who I am. I am very smart and like a hound dog, when I get on to something I dig in deep. So, this whole new concept to me of alternative medicine grabbed me like a rope and pulled me in. What a wonderful experience this has been.

I have come across a few vendors selling snake oil. But I also have met and worked with some brilliant practitioners. I am very lucky. For the first time in a very long time, I am feeling like there is a deep seated reason for all this. And if I had never taken a chance, I would never had the opportunity to learn about some wonderful things which, also for the first time in a while, I feel have a reason to know. I have been dissuaded in this pursuit and yet, I still pursued. And the reason was I felt it in my gut to continue.  I had an open mind and a curious mind. It resonates with me like a perfect pitch.

So as I step off again to travel to a new place in my journey, I am refreshed and my spirit is back. Where I am headed I do not know. I just know it will be ok. There is a lot of work ahead of me, but the knowledge that I have absorbed in the past year is bolstering me onward. Stayed tune.