Releasing

angel

  I am working on a new lesson. It seems as I go along they get harder, not easier. But I am up for the challenge. It started a couple of weeks ago when I woke up shaking. I wrote that this was a signal for me that I was in transit. I usually…no, I always have to know why. I think it stems from a couple of things from my childhood. I was always an inquisitive child. I asked questions all the time, still do. I question motives. Not because I always distrust them either. It is because I like to understand why people do what they do. I want to read the reasons why people do what they do in stories.

I am more interested in learning why something came about because I like to see the different ways people reason things out. This was one of the things that made me a good teacher of those children and adults who do not fit into the box of public education. I love seeing the different approaches to solutions that my students would come up with. I never stopped anyone from reasoning through a problem because more often than not, they came to right place. And when they didn’t, the lesson was even more valuable.

So I struggled for a few weeks thinking something was percolating beneath the surface. Some demon was about the raise its ugly head and I would have to face it. I was sure that it was not going to be a good thing and so I spiraled down a bit in anticipation of it. I spent last year facing demon after demon and I have no regrets for it. It got me to a place where I could settle a bit and I learned about the elusive “just be.”

I was a willing participant in this current struggle and I forgot a lot of the calm I had found. And the more I struggled the farther it went and I began to get pain again. I lost the ability to move and even got those awful charlie horses back. We as humans have an amazing power to poison ourselves and then accept the toxins. This was a big test for me, and in a sense I failed. But in the failure I learned something very important. Is that not how we learn? Maybe failure is a big word, but I do not think of failure as a place to stop. I think of failure is the place to begin again. I do not want to call it a mistake, because that implies it was not meant to be. Failure is meant to be. It is how we grow.

The thing that was blocking me is twofold: Control and knowing.  I grew up in chaos. As an adult, I needed to have control of my environment because it was safe. If I knew what was coming, if I controlled the people and circumstances around me, I would be safe. I know now that was a fallacy. The more I tried to control, the more people pushed away. Releasing people to make mistakes was hard to learn, but I had to. It was necessary as a teacher and a member of the human race. There is a difference in guiding people over controlling people. One is a suggestion which you offer up and then let the being decide for themselves, even if it leads them to a place of failure. There is power in that. The other is a egotistical trap that harms not only the being trying to be controlled but the controller. The other thing is realizing I do not always have the best answer for things. There is freedom in that.

And the other issue I have is I always want to know. This too is an issue from my childhood. I was raised in a family of secrets. Yes, dirty secrets to some extent. But I was the youngest and often left out of decisions that impacted my life. I overheard more times in my life, “don’t tell Jane.” It happened in my adult life when I caught my ex doing something he should not have been doing. He did that a lot by the way. This one time I was on the phone with a friend whose husband was selling something very expensive. It was during a time we had no money. She set the phone down to answer the door and it was my ex coming to pay for the item. I overheard the whole conversation and he ended it with, “don’t tell Jane.”  Opps, too late! I use this as an explanation of one reason I like to know why. I abhor secrets from anyone. If it is supposed to be a secret….just shut up or do not do it. This is very similar to being in control. I have always felt if I know what is coming, or what a person is about and that they are honest and forth coming, I am safe. It is a false security.

My other new lesson is going to be a lot of work. I am learning to stop asking why. It will not happen in all aspects of my life. But in the spiritual work I am doing, I have to let go. Oh, that was even hard to type. When I first thought about it, there was a sense of freedom that hit me in my gut. What a relief it would be to not be in control and worrying about the outcome. It seemed simple. It certainly is not. Especially for someone like me who survived on control.

And all of this brings me to an old nemesis of mine. A “T” word. Trust. I have to trust enough to let go, just be and know it will be fine. “Oh the agony of all this”…. Just a brief moment of drama, thanks. Had to get it out.

And then we have the other bug-a-boo: Just be! I cannot seem to avoid having to face how hard this still is for me. The moments of peace and calm were so easy while at The River and the world was a different place. But here in my real life, it is a daily struggle. I have to keep soothing my frustration with by telling myself it is new. It is frustrating because the dichotomy is that I want to control “just being”…. That has to make you smile if you have been there.

So now I am swirling in my head with all the release I am to do. I will stand up very tall with no apology to anyone and say: “It is hard, I am struggling and I am afraid. I am afraid of releasing control and letting go. I cannot ask why, I have to trust that it is just as it should be.”  Onward….

 

 

 

 

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Listening?

This is going to be hard to write but I think I need to write it. Maybe it will help someone else. I am not sure why, but I am in a real funky place this week. Or maybe it is two weeks. I have written about being in transit again. But what I have not written about is how the transit is making me feel. I have been sharing my angst with my friend and Mentor who has been extremely supportive and I am thankful. For anyone who reads this who is new on the path, I cannot express strongly enough how much it helps to have mentors and guides. Although you may think you are being needy and weak, it is actually a sign of strength to ask for help.
I feel like I am picking a scab. It is covering a huge wound of some sort although I am not sure what it is and I am sure that it does not matter. What I want to talk about is how this is making me feel. When I first started on this journey, all I did was pick at scabs and let them bleed until they healed. I got to the point for a brief moment when I thought I had less to pick at. I was also weary of the work. A profound series of things happened. One was to have a rest from all of this for a while. Unfortunately it lulled me into a false sense of thinking I was done. In truth, it was a short respite. But in that respite, I found some tools for dealing with things like working on breathing better and finding the true voice to listen to. I found my sacred place and learned to calm and just be.
Lately, those things are still with me, but there is more work to be done. And what is happening right now is I am (and it took four attempts to write this) depressed. I am not seeing things clearly and it is affecting my vision and how I am in the world right now. Because we are only a reflection of the vibrations that makes us, I am seeing a reflection of the low vibrations that are happening in me currently. I see my world not as it is, but as a distorted image. I am attracted to the negative because I have a lot of negative energy in my soul right now. It is kind of unfair when you think about it because it is fuel for the fire. You would think that Spirit would provide us with happy thoughts to help soften times when there is so much sadness.
And I know someone will say we make the choice to be miserable. I normally would agree that there is some choice. But it is unreasonable and egotistical to think that it is a reality to be happy and satisfied all the time. And I am not miserable, that is too strong a word for what I feel. I know my world is blessed. My point to this post this morning is to say that it is natural to have moments like this. These are not my words, but wisdom from Mar Drag: “Let yourself feel what you are feeling.” I write this for others but it is words that I need to hear. Because… I feel guilty for feeling like this and it is weighing me down. Instead of facing full on the thing that is bothering me, I am deflecting it. I am feeling worse because I am in this place. I am not sure if that makes sense. Let me try this: many of the books I have read are about finding peace and joy. Yeah! It is great. But what is often missing from those books and even when I talk with people, is the time spent getting there is often not very nice.
We have a culture where being depressed gets medicated. There is a huge market for drugs to dim the feelings of depression. Being medicated is absolutely not the answer. Self-medication like drinking and recreational drugs is not the answer either. I know, I did it for years. Even things like endorphin rushes from extreme exercise are an escape. But our society does not want to deal with fixing the issues that cause depression, so we absolve this pesky little problem by creating medicated zombies.
And why? Because it is easier than facing the pain. We do not want to go through pain in order to heal and we do not want to be around people who are there because it makes us uncomfortable….. oh, that is the word I have been looking for. I am uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable with my own pain.
Because I am not sure what the issue is really, I am seeing all the things in my external world that seem wrong. It is easier, but it is a blanket covering what I really need to deal with. For example, I am very disappointed with my job currently and I keep thinking I need to find a new job. I can barely look at myself in the mirror as I am again appalled by the reflection. I hear criticism in every word spoken to me. I am flighty and my energy is very low. I want to stay in bed and escape by sleeping. But even that is being tampered by dreams and yes…dare I say they are back…charlie horses. Had a real fun one last night. I dreamt I was in a grocery store….nude….reaching for a shopping cart that someone had stolen from me, grasping at a towel trying to cover myself and my leg cramped up.(Have fun with that one, dream analyzers) Funny thing was I did not wake up immediately and remember dreaming about my leg muscle indenting and throbbing and then woke up to realize it was really happening in the now.
I guess my point in this writing was to give myself a break and articulate that whatever is going on is ok. I need to let things be, even when they are not so nice. It is part of being human that we need to accept the insignificant moments of sadness and let them pass through in their own time. Are you listening, Jane?

It’s a miracle: I can walk

It’s a miracle. I can walk this morning. And I actually mean that. I am grateful I can walk. Of course I am being a bit tongue and cheek but the fact is I could not last night. And it is all my fault…no wait….it is my friend’s fault. She got me into this. This all started out so innocently.
Around here, if you do not do something to make the winter go by, it drags on forever. Last year, she talked me into taking music lessons on the recorder. I did not need much persuasion. It was something I wanted to do for a while. I hung in there and learned to play the soprano recorder. I am back again this year learning the alto which is so much more melodic. I am in love with this instrument and will continue to play it. The soprano is much more shrill and the best part was it drove my cat nuts when I practiced. She doesn’t seem to mind the alto. Well so far she hasn’t shredded the music like she did with the soprano.
So this summer, my friend and I decided to look into something new. We talked about yoga and I was not too thrilled with it because of a past experience I had with it last year. We went and watched a display of an activity we thought would be fun and it looked so easy. Sign me up! Tai Chi. Who knew? If 90 year old men can do this, how hard can it be?
Ok…it is not easy. It is a beautiful method of ripping every muscle in your legs out of your body and replacing the muscles in your stomach with a sack of rocks. NO just kidding. It is beautiful and it is extremely difficult to get it right. I am enjoying it very much. The issue is she has us learning a pose and then she holds us while she talks or demonstrates the next thing. So you are slightly bent or mid-extension and she is chatting away. And you get yelled at if you move ahead. And she does it so slow when we practice. I think once you learn the poses and do them sequentially it is less straining. But last night, she went very slow over and over.
And I had to leave before the class ended to take Bishop to the vet. The class is on the second floor of an old firehouse. A very tall staircase leads up to the room and unfortunately down too. I had a bit of a charlie horse in the class and as I was changing my shoes it went off again. Going down the stairs was a joke. Trying to cross the very busy street was like running gauntlet. I hobbled to my car and spent the rest of the night being very aware of how sore I was. But it was an ok sore.
So this morning, the pain is gone. I was not as stiff as I expected actually. This is going to be a good thing as I can sense the muscles around the knees. It will be good to strengthen them to support me.
I am not sure what is in the air right now. I spent a few moments last night reading some different blogs and our circle. There seems to be a reoccurring theme right now of upset and people struggling. I noticed it at work with a few people I talked with. It is like a mild wave of irritation and angst. Fellow writers seem to be sharing a common upset that is manifesting. I purposefully do not watch or read the news. I figure if there is something that important going on, I will find out. I do not need the interpretation of some overzealous reporter putting sensationalism on top of a tragedy. I do believe we are all connected and sense the feeling of troubled waters. Some say I am oversensitive. I have gotten over that being an insult and take it as a compliment. You betcha, I am sensitive.
Even though I was worn out last night, I did not sleep well. Physically I did and my body replenished. But I had some douzzies dreams. One was about an interesting place in a woods. To get to it, you had to drive down this stream (it’s a dream) and there were huge boulders you had to drive over. In the dream I did this two times and I can still see the boulders in my head. At the end of the stream there was a recreational area where people were playing in the water. The stream cascades down a hill to a falls and people were jumping off the rocks into the falls. At the bottom of the falls was a huge lake and people were on the beach. I could only see a small part of the lake, but I knew it well from other dreams. In this dream, Bishop was there and we were cuddling as we watched people. He hates water, so he was not going near it. I got up to go into the water and kept facing some small issues which prohibited me. I do not remember them and I woke up and never got to the water. I was frustrated. I know the symbolism of the water.
I had another dream which woke me right up around 3am and I had to get up to shake it off. It ended in pure fear. I have had this dream in different versions. Same theme with different scenery. I have a fear of dark rooms, dark staircases going into dark rooms, dark halls and so on. A reoccurring dream I have is walking into a dark room and not being able to find a light to turn on. You get the drift. Last night a nasty entity was in this completely dark room and I was placed in it. There was a being in the door who was about to shut me in. I was pleading with the being who was a thin faceless statue like being almost like an alien. There was not a sense of them being an angel although they might represent it. I was pleading with them to not shut me in as the fear in my chest grew. I knew that behind me was pure evil and it would “get” me. I have dreamt that sensation many times before. Often there is an unknown evil that I am trying to get away from that is in the dark. I have not had this dream in a long while. I know the symbolism is huge and as I typed this I saw that it is mirroring what I am going through in my conscious life. In my dream, I lay my hand on the chest of the being to demonstrate that….. and I woke up. The fear was with me for a few moments. I also am still conscious of the fear this morning. The laying of my hand on the being’s chest was representing the feeling I get in my hands when I do healing touch. I know I am still unsure about my ability with all that.
So I am not sure what is going on. I have written about being in transit. I am being aware of the messages. Last night is about facing some fear which is pretty buried. So with a slightly sore body, I must now go face my day. I hope everyone has a blessed day filled with miracles as profound as being able to walk. When you think of it, it pretty amazing we can do that at all.

Being OK

The wisdom of a Brilliant Light: this is a from my friend and mentor

From the Desk of MarDrag

 

“There is some kind of a sweet innocence in being human- in not having to be just happy or just sad- in the nature of being able to be both broken and whole, at the same time.”  ~ C. JoyBell C.

“We are human beings. If we do not experience a wide range of emotions than (to me) that’s a sign we aren’t living fully.”  ~ Brandon A. Trean

“When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.”  ~ Author Unknown

“The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning.”  ~ Ivy Baker Priest

“Adversity is like a strong wind.  It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are.”  ~ Arthur…

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Good vibrations

Rain coming up the River

I am out of synch. I am in some sort of transition or a new layer is opening. It is time for a release of some sort. Not sure what it is at all. I am being guided by a very wise mentor through this process but this morning the feelings were so strong I decided to journal what I feel. Maybe someone else goes through this. I also sort of feel like I am going to explode.

I am not going to spend time proposing what I think the transition is from and where I think I am going. I just want to share the sensations. I woke this morning and being Sunday, I just lay there and thought. I noticed yesterday that I was vibrating ever so lightly. This morning it was incredibly pronounced. We all vibrate, but usually we do not feel it or we would go mad. When I am in transition, I vibrate out of synch. I feel like a washing machine with an uneven load. I laid there and actually let the feeling become more pronounced.

The first time I had felt or became aware of this sensation was when I was going through a very tough time. I was going through my divorce. My contract with the school I was teaching at was not renewed and I had just signed a mortgage for my new home. I should have been in a panic but I remember I just sort of gave up. At that time I was certainly on a different path and did not have the concept of surrender. But I instinctively did that. But I remember the vibrations as they were so pronounced that I was physically shaking. At that time, I just said it was nerves.  I was in a transition that was pretty big; no job, new house, no husband after 26 years, and I was alone for the first time in my life. Funny, I was not afraid. I was numb actually.

I remember thinking that the vibrations were a signal of something bad happening. I did not understand quantum physics or metaphysics or spiritualism at all. None of that was on my radar. I was learning about Wicca at the time and not even involved with that much. I did not equate the vibrations with transitions but thought instead they were a message of impending issues.

I settled in my new home and loved it. I was surviving financially even though I was not working. I had made some money on selling my old house and had unemployment insurance coming in.  I had help from a dear friend who was going through a hard time herself. I had the most freedom I had ever had in my life and I was truly enjoying it. It is funny when I think back to that time how much fun I had when it could have been a horrible time. I did not worry. But I was not finished transitioning.

The next time I remember the vibrations being very pronounced was about ten months later. I ended up in the hospital with blood clots and I already wrote about that experience. This was a big wake up call for me to get my health in order. I stopped smoking and drinking. Although the Factor IV Leiden was the cause, that activity certainly did not help.

The next time was right after I was home from the hospital. I remember this one very clearly because at that point, I was aware of the vibrations but still misunderstood their meaning. I thought that they were a signal of something really bad coming. This time I can remember feeling them in bed and I got up and went into my living room where I have an oval mirror. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and a voice said “get rid of Doug.” Very clearly, I got the message that it was time to move past the relationship I was in with this gentleman. It was not working and no matter how hard I tried, it was not going to. He was very much like my ex-husband and that should be enough to say why it had to end. He appeared in my life when I did not expect it and it was supposed to be a friendship but there were things about our relationship that made me very unhappy.

At first glance, one would say that this transition was about the external relationship. I have come to know that these vibrations have very little to do with any outside influence or even current situations I am in. They are me changing. For example, going through my divorce was when I FINALLY got the balls to end a very abusive relationship. I decided enough was enough. When I was in the process of selling my house and a few months after the first vibrations I was speaking of, my ex tried to play some stupid games and get his last shots in. They did not work as I did not let them. I changed, not him. The move and divorce was the first major time I surrendered, even though I did not know that was what I did. And I moved and settled into my first totally my own environment. I embraced the good things like my freedom and my friendships. I was truly happy for the first time in many years.

With the relationship with Doug, I had returned to what I was comfortable with but in short order not satisfactory. It did not take 26 years to say his treatment was not acceptable. In his defense, he was not abusive but he also was not always good to me.

Somewhere in my more recent history I learned that the vibrations were an indicator of a change in my being. Since we are all matter vibrating at a speed fast enough to project matter, changing vibrations is natural and common. I have learned to be aware and not frightened by it. I have had these noticeable vibrations a lot this past year and always welcomed the sensation as I knew I was progressing. Someone told me it was like peeling an onion. As each layer gets peeled down and new one is exposed. I think of the vibrations as being speed levels. For example I am going along smoothly and my vibrations, although still occurring, are not apparent as they are steady.  I am spinning at the right vibration for the circle I am on in the spiraling path of my life. Then I get to a point of transition and I am coming up to a new circle where the speed limit is a little faster. As I transition, the shift in speed is what I feel.

It is not the external issues or situations at all. It is not good or bad, it just is. I think of the change now as progress and I think it is good. I may have to go through something to resolve whatever is holding me back…And as I typed that, it hit me like a ton. Some of my mentors are going to be nodding and smiling right now.

My biggest physical complaint is my legs do not work. Sometimes I am fine and other times I am almost immobile. When I am stressed, I get charlie horses in my legs. My left ankle swells and I have great pain. I have horrible pain in my feet that comes and goes. But the worse sensation I get, and I am not going to be able to put it in words clearly, is that I feel trapped. I feel and have felt often that someone is grasping my legs and holding me back. Last fall when I first starting working on this, the trapped situation was huge for me. My pain levels fluctuated from mild to horrific and it was all in correlation to what I was going through with my path and healing. I have not had charlies now for almost a month. My biggest issue this summer was the spider bite on my toe which paralyzed my foot and which STILL bothers me often. But just this week, I noticed that feeling of not being able to move my legs again. No pain, no charlies. Just lead in my legs. They are tired and heavy. My left ankle and foot swelled up even though I did not injure it. And if it was water, both ankles should have swelled. This is not uncommon for me to have swelling in the one ankle but this was the first time in a while and it was only like that for about four hours.

So the big ah ha is that I am my own impediment. I manifest slowing down this transition that is indicated by the vibrations by having the legs and feet issues. Wow, we are amazing beings. I think it is a hoot that now I can see myself for my own conditions and issues as if I was separated from it. Like I am the doctor evaluating me as a patient. HA! I have to surrender to this process and I do without fear for I know I will have a good outcome. I am not afraid anymore. Fortunately I have great help. It is so much easier to face our lives when we know we have the love and support of fellow travelers and guides. And I am very grateful.

 

 

Another way to look at it:

Yes, I know bitterness and pain are profitable for some. It validates their victimhood and lets them feel like heroes for what they tell themselves they’ve overcome.
Chances are you’ve made some bad choices along the way and had some bad luck, but the fact that we misinterpret our experience in Life does not make it otherwise.
http://thoughtsalone.com/2013/09/18/more-hard-truth-your-bitterness-is-your-fault/#comment-2284
This is a posting from my one of my favorite bloggers. He has supported me with thoughtful comments and I think very highly of him. Sometimes he writes passionate implorations to his readers to shape up. I can hear his frustration in his words as he has found the solution that works for him. And he is blessed. His post at first upset me as it sounded like he was scolding his readers. And because I personalize so much, I took it to heart. He starts his blog with examples of situations or conditions that people should re-evaluate their truth and stop blaming others for their circumstances. I agree, and yet…I don’t. So I guess I better explain myself.
I went the other night to a wonderful seminar presented by one of my mentors. She was amazing. There was quite a turn out to hear her speak. Although I knew a brief bit of her history, I did not know the depth of what she went through. I am not going to share her story as she will with the world very soon when her book is published. And yes, we all paid to hear her speak. She has recently moved out of town and is missed very much, so we gladly paid to be in the audience as she creates her series of workshops. She has healed many souls and guided people to heal themselves. Yes, she is going to make money on her story. I support her completely.
Everyone has a story. But there are some who have no clue what the truth is because they have systematically buried it. We as humans have an amazing capacity to mental close off our reality and fictionalize our world in order to survive. But the body remembers. It manifests the truth in illness and chronic diseases. Often the symptoms occur and the person falls into the trap that the only way out is to become heavily medicated. And that creates even more problems. Unless you have experienced the frustration and anger of losing the ability to move and do the activities you like because of illness, you cannot understand the frustration and yes…victimhood.
So how do heal? You have to dig and expose your truth. And when you do that, you have to heal from it. I must explain before all the folks get all bent out of shape about “digging up your past”. I am not saying you have to get every gory detail of some infliction or abuse you may have suffered. But there is proof that having a sense of how you react to cues will allow you to reprogram your neuro-pathways so that you do not react to sensations and physical cues which can manifested as an illness. If you learn a reaction to something from your past, but you have buried the reason why you react, how will you learn to stop reacting? It won’t click. For instance, I react when I am stressed by pulling up and in like a baby does. I did not know that was what was causing my pain in my legs and the chronic inability to move, walk and other activities. I know something happened to me when I was under the age of three. I do not know what, but I had to accept something created this reaction which is cued without my awareness. I had to accept that something happened that I have buried but I had to admit there was some trauma. My sense of constant fear had manifested in my body with a reaction of an infant. And when I started digging into my past, I unearthed a lot. I was able to unbury a lot of trauma which was painful to go through, but I was able to do that and move on. It is healing for me to know that the pain in my body was from being in a constant state of fear which caused me to freeze as in flight, fight or freeze. This is not going to be a lecture on neuroscience because I am certainly not qualified. Although, I am fascinated…..
My point is, sometimes you got to get to the root to grow the right tree.
When I read Thoughtsalone’s blog, I had an immediate reaction of being upset by his words about victimhood and being a hero when they overcome their plight, whatever it is. Well….YES…they are heroes. I am a hero. All the men and women who come to the realization that they are whole and work on healing themselves are heroes. Yes Sir, they are! It is easy to be a victim, very easy. It takes great courage to face your reality and say, “I am not going to live like this.”
And yes, those who share their story are not victims anymore when they say, “this is what I did to heal.” It is the best medicine, more powerful than any chemical that can be ingested. Because it is Love. Love of themselves to get better and love enough to share it with their fellow travelers. It takes a lot of courage to admit failure even if you overcome it. They are the light that shines for us who are on the path of healing.
I have never heard anyone say they did not get better without Love. Those who feel like they lack Love will struggle whether it is external or internal. We all want to have someone in our lives who loves us human to human. This is a separate issue than the Love from the Devine. When you have someone, it is easy to forget the emptiness that loneliness can produce. It is easy to criticize those who are going through something and suffering with a broken heart. We say platitudes and tell them to move on. It is the same thing with self-love. If you do not know what it is and what it feels like, it can be incredibly difficult to discover. Telling someone an apple tastes fabulous when they have never eaten one is a lesson in futility. You have to taste an apple to know how delicious it can be. But one can imagine the pleasure especially when culture dictates it. The desire to possess a partner manifests a lack which can be pervasive. But we forget that when we are incased in a loving relationship. And discovering self-love can be even more difficult when the “love” you have known in your past was actually abusive. But it was all you had and so you equate the constant self-criticism and self-deprivation as love. This is why I feel sharing our personal stories is important, especially when the story includes overcoming hardship like a dissolved relationship. It is not living in victimhood. I would rather work with a teacher who has walked the walk and gets it. Then when they say it is time to move on, I am not feeling like a failure. I know they have gotten over their issues and I know there is a chance for me to be successful too. To just say get over it will not cut it.
And discovering the Love of the Devine or Spirit or whatever you wish to call it can be even more difficult. Some of us have been searching for a very long time to discover that center. There were times when in my past I was taught that there was only one way to Devine Love only to realize it was not true. In my attempts I joined organizations, congregations, cults or covens, only to find myself totally on the outside looking in. I thought it was something wrong in me. But Devine Love can be very elusive as well. It is like not being able to find your glasses which you know you set down or they are still on your face. Sometimes it takes a gentle hand to say, here they are. Same with Devine Love. It takes a gentle teacher to help find what is right in front of them.
Thoughtsalone’s blog is very powerful and moving. He is a teacher amongst us struggling students. We all are students in the scheme of life and no one has all the answers. There are different ways of looking at the process and methodology of survival and no one answer is right. It is something we have to discover for ourselves. The one connector is compassion. I teach clinicians and teachers. I was told there is no way you can teach compassion. I disagree. You teach compassion by example. You can talk about empathy and boundaries to help them bring their practice into focus. But the only way you can teach compassion is by being. And like those who speak of their survival of victimhood, it illuminates that this is the way. So yes, in general, I agree with the blog, I worry that some may react to the words of “Laugh at yourself, then kick yourself, then hug yourself, and move on.” If only it were that easy. And I know Thougtsalone will not be upset that I responded to his post with my own as I know he is a compassionate teacher and welcomes discussion.

A Footnote in History

This is a powerful and wonderful piece that touched me. This writer is very talented and I wanted to share his gift.

countingducks

Perhaps he was a footnote in history, there was no one left to ask, this veteran of a near forgotten war, now bought to life only in films and sometimes books, but lived by him back when his legs stilled moved, and crawled without complaint through this same undergrowth.

Nearing his centenary, and the last of the old pals, he sat upon his chair with blanket round his limbs and watched the wind play with the grass and leaves. No cordite now, no friends crying out their last as bodies ceased to breath. His eyes, which seemed unfocused to his relatives, looked out for  faces loved so long ago and torn from life by one man’s evil brilliance and dark acolytes who gave muscle to his plans.

To those around him the veteran, who waited on his thoughts, the scene was now at peace, with only a cross to excite the memory, but in his mind, where Jack and Stan …

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In celebration

It was just a short year ago that I walked into the therapist’s office totally not expecting anything great to come from it. I figured that I had nothing to lose and that if he could help me with my chronic pain, it would be a miracle. I had no preconceived ideas of what he would do other than some exercises to help maybe strengthen my muscles. I had no idea the door I was truly opening was that to my soul and I was going to walk down a path as glorious as I have. I realized as I was starting to type this that this was going to become a celebration. It has been a journey thousands have taken but is so individualized each time that it is totally not predictable where it will go. And in celebration I honor all who have guided me.

Those who knew me before could tell you that I was a chronic worrier. I worried everything to its minute issue until I blew it up into an uncontrollable panic. I was terrified of everything, everyone and had absolutely no confidence in anyone especially me. My self-worth did not exist at all. I worried about things that had not happened until I manifested them into the ugly situation I was really trying to avoid. The year was spent in very deep analysis which often was very painful and traumatic. I did not start written this blog until I was very far into it. I look back and think how much happened in such a short time frame. When I was in the midst of it all, it seemed I would never get to the other side or as my guide called it, out of the rabbit hole. And much like child birth, I have forgotten the depths of despair I was often in. I only now feel the release and joy from unburdening so much. I know there will be days of hard work and struggles, but this is about celebrating now.

I have to honor the five main guides who systematically have supported me in different and yet similar areas of my path. Without you, this would never have happened and I would not be who I am today. I knew shortly into my journey how blessed I was to have such support. I also knew that in my time, I would pay it forward and devote my life to helping others on their journey. My gratitude runs very deep and you have all been an inspiration.

When I took a moment to really think back, I was surprised at how much I had forgotten of the first months. The inner struggling of releasing and letting go was huge. I did face plant after face plant only to be gently picked up and brushed off and then guided to the next hill. But I kept on. And I kept on because someone believed in me. I hope you know how important that was. I did not believe in me. It was your strength that kept me going until I discovered mine. I celebrate and honor your patience and compassion.

But I did discover my own strength. It is sometimes elusive in its power and I am learning to hold on to it and become more consistent with it. I am learning so much about myself that was buried deep and covered. There is more to release but it is not smothering me and keeping me in a place where there is no growth. I understand for the first time what inner joy feels like. I can understand why people would not want to live without it. It does not come from tangible things like money, houses, high status and especially career. I can see how someone who lives simply, (I was going to say in poverty, but that is an oxymoron) has a rich and full life if they have joy.

The irony of my year was this conception I had that there was this place I had to get to. I had to learn and study and work so very hard and yet I felt like I was swimming against the current for the longest time. And all this paddling was making things worse because I was focused on what I thought I lacked. But I could never figure out what it was I lacked. I looked everywhere. Every once in a while this early summer, I would feel it and then it would disappear, which in a way made it worse. I focused on lack instead of just being. This concept of “just being” was my bane for most of my early journey. Looking back, I think I was running so hard in this imaginary race I had in my head that I went right past the prize. Going to the River gave me a chance to stop and breathe. It connected. Now I am learning to recall that calm and stillness in my real life which is chaotic and cacophonous just like everyone else’s. I realize that when I am still the Light shines the brightest. That’s the real prize.

I am also just learning that just being me is actually pretty cool. There is great freedom in it. I have a lot to learn about self-acceptance but compare to last year…well there is no comparison. I loathed everything about myself. I can remember the first time I met my first guide and thought what a cocky fellow he was. But, I wanted to be like him. I see that inner strength and assurance in all of my guides and again, I focused on my lack of it. They could not have taught me to be like them and none tried. I had to discover that inner core and believe in me.

So to all who have been with me this past year: I hope you all know how grateful I am. I hope you know my love for you all runs very deep. I honor you by being who I am, the person you all saw and see. This world is a better place because you all are in it. I thank all the fellow bloggers who support me and offer encouragement. It is an honor to write amongst you and share our thoughts. I thank my dear friend who has supported me and joined me in fun and crazy activities. I am indeed very lucky and blessed. And as I step onward, I know I am in good hands and surrounded with love. Thank you.

Struggling

It takes a consciousness of believing something that does not occur intuitively for it to become reality. In fact, it goes against the grain of what you think is real and is laughable in the perspective of ignorance.

When you shine a light of wisdom and compassion, others see it and they want their own, because it is beautiful, peaceful and satisfying.

I had a turning point I think this weekend. I am not going to go into what happened as I want to wait until I am more sure of what I am sensing, and what may come of it all. But it is profound. I am going to throw out some thoughts that have come up during this process. Please comment in if you will. This is truly a discovery process.
One of my biggest fears as an adult is that I am so gullible. I have been like that since I can remember. I want to believe in the wonders of the world so bad that when someone shares something magical, I am always in. But then when I discover the reality, it is usually horrific and very damaging. But I still fall easily even at this age. I have been the butt of many a joke and fib and the results have usually cost me something important like trust in others. It is also a factor in my lack of self-esteem. I have been there so many times that I should have “REALLY?” tattooed on my forehead.
For example: the Easter Bunny. Anything to do with animals has always been a passion for me. Santa never rang true for me. Christmas was never a wonderful event in our house usually because of my father’s drinking. Seems this holiday really got him in his mood. My mother however loved Easter because of spring and the flowers. She always made a big deal about the holiday. When I was eight, I still believed in the Easter Bunny. Not because of the candy either, but the magic of the eggs and colors and flowers being something a furry creature created. I was warned, as children often are threatened with, to be good because the Easter Bunny was coming. One of my neighbors was a young man who had no siblings and was just thoughtless. I went over to their house as I often did and he had hanging off the back porch, snared on a rope, a rabbit he had killed. I can remember this was one of the first times I had seen an animal dead like that. I remember crying my eyes out and the neighbor then,(and you wonder why people are so cruel), told me that it was the Easter Bunny. I was shocked and horrified. I am over the Easter Bunny part, but I still have no compassion for hunters who string up animals as a trophy. I hate when I see deer strung up on cars and trucks. It was a long time for me to get over the fact that a forest animal was not in charge of all the decorations and beauty of Easter.
Because I choose to see the good in all, I set my self-up for major disappointment and heart ache when I trust people I should not. I have a poor filter for that. They on the other hand see me coming. It is like I have a sign on me. There was a girl in my high school year book who wrote a lengthy apology for doing something to me back then and to this day I have no idea what it was. I almost never see the evil in people until it is too late. That is because I have an extremely hard time believing people are evil. I think why be that way when being true and honest is so much easier. And when I say evil, any transgression to another being is a degree of evil. To me lying is evil. I may not like what someone says to me, but I have a harder time getting over it when I find out it is a lie. Then the damage runs much deeper and trust is gone.
I am at a place in my path where a new concept has had a bright light focused on it. My teacher has led me to a discovery that I am having a hard time accepting because it is so powerful. But it is pretty out there. However, when she was talking to me, her words went right to my center core. What she said was truly was a moment of rapture and a huge relief for me. It resolved a life issue. It was incredibly powerful. But…. I have to accept a concept that is pretty farfetched. But I believe in things like that very easily. I still hold on to the concept of the Easter Bunny. I think magick exists completely because it makes life wondrous.
I am at a cross point in my journey where if I have to accept some things that are not tangible. They require me to do something I do not do at all easily. This is the hardest thing of all I have done so far: I have to believe something about myself which is pretty powerful and amazing. I want to believe and I want what was told to me to be my truth very badly. But something is holding me back and fighting my ability to release and accept. And that is fear. Fear of waking up and finding this all was a joke. Fear that there really is no path, no ascension, no enlightenment and that all this awakening stuff is the newest ruse thrust on our world. It is not that I do not trust the teachers, mentors and guides that have been with me either. But because I am at such a huge point in this journey, I do not want to find out that I am again standing on the neighbor’s porch looking at the dead Easter Bunny. I do not think I could take it.