I feel like a scientist this week. I am involved in an experiment and I am the subject as well as the observer. It was spurned by a webinar and DVD that I was listening to. In short review, I finally understand the neuroscience behind all the “things” I have been going through. I am not going to rewrite about it as it is pretty spelled out if you go back a couple of my blogs. There is a lot of material coming out on neuroplasticity and retraining the brain. Some of it I have worked with such as EFT . Interesting stuff but this is not what I want to share. I was pleasantly surprised with a simple method that I was told about many times but never could wrap my brain around it. There was a piece missing for me for it to make sense.
Thinking happy thoughts does not work for me. I cannot sustain a “happy thought” for very long and the residual affect does not stay for long. It is like the passing smile that fades when one forgets why they are smiling. I was pleased to learn in my reading and listening that this is normal. Normal…. We are made to be negative and suspect. It is what keeps us safe. I thought a lot about that this week.
I remember as a child that I had little fear of people. I loved everyone. I had a smile and hug for everyone. I was not a safe child and I paid dearly. I learned quickly to hide and that was my protection. I was not smart about people my whole life. I struggle with it even today, although I have some tools now in my arsenal that I did not have before. My little girl inside me still feels incredibly sad that this world is this way and it adds to my disconnect to most people. I have come to accept it and I also have accepted that I am different form most and that is ok. I just have to learn to cope better here, on this plane and place.
Negativity is toxic. Being sad and angry and upset is poison that courses through the body like a snake destroying not only the spirit, but in my case, my body. I am embracing a new process which is fascinating for me. It is not new, it has been told to me by many and I just could not connect it. It is just part of the new experience I am working on.
On Friday, a friend at work came into my office. She reads this blog, so I hope she does not mind me sharing. She was telling me how she really got something out of the last webinar on imprinting good sensations. She was going to try to work on imprinting good feelings as much as she could. She said she was stopped at a four way stop and the other car let her go. As she proceeded past the other car, my friend waved quick thanks. The other car waved back. It struck a chord in my friend and she allowed the feeling of kindness wash over her for a few minutes. She said it was quite embracing and felt lovely. She said it stuck with her for a while. She also said she got how this would be something she could draw on later.
When she told me of her experience I was so happy for her. I too had decided to try my own episodes of imprinting. I fortunately had an opportunity to have a session with John, my PT who did a Reflax on me. It is very hard to explain, but the sensation of touch coupled with feeling safe and warm, listening to music course through headset and chair is very powerful. It is like a super fix of good feelings. I have had this done many times, but never had the same imprint as this time because I understood it. Although there is a temporary high and then polar rebound for me, I took away a few things which I employ when I start to feel a stressor. All week I would take a moment and just breathe and let something nice wash over me and I would bath in the feeling. It is too soon to say if this is working. I am also working on something else which I think is stunning, but I am not ready to share yet. This is the scientist part I was alluding to in the beginning.
I am going to add something that I did not get before either. When you are in a negative state, it festers and blooms until you become completely absorbed in the sewage. And we help each other get to that state by feeding crap to each other. I stopped watching the news a long time ago. Now I do not watch TV at all. I check out Facebook but do not live for it. Matter of fact any free time is now spent on reading or writing. I try not to feed the beast. This last week at work, I kept to myself a lot more. I did spend time with the people I care about there and that makes it easier to deal with the garbage stuff going on. But I conscientiously looked for pleasant moments and really let them soak in. On my ride to and from work, I really drew on the beauty of the fields and orchards I pass. I looked for birds and spotted a few hawks. We went for a ride on Saturday and I spotted four Hawks, which always imprints a sensation of protection for me. And there is a reason for it. There were spotless nights with the moon peeking out between the barren branches. There was a blanket of love that was sent from a far that enveloped me at different times all week. I sensed the comfort and care that this energy was sent with, and embraced it fully. It allowed me to be able to return the gift wrapped in gratitude and that also felt wonderful to project.
For so long, my being was encapsulated in a shroud of anger and pain. The fabric was woven many years ago and layer upon layer was applied. It numbed me. I had to get to a place that I felt safe enough to start to really let the sheaths slip away. For me, I needed to understand and really connect. There are some who know how much studying, reading and research I have been doing in this short year and half. Like a sponge, I have been looking for the reasons and answers to so much. Many have said slow down, “just be”. Ah, the truth is; I was just being me all along. So I will continue to work at understanding as hard as I have. I am taking the next steps with strong conviction and strength. And as I wrote that, I allowed the feeling of power wash over me and embrace me mind, body and soul.