Spirit Body Boundaries.

This is so true. We have a serious issue with negativity at my place of work. You can see the feeding of the beast all week long and by Friday, people are fried. I am not immune by any means. But I have some tools that Mardrag has taught me.

Doug Does Life

The most important distinction anyone can ever make in their life is between who they are as an individual and their connection with others.~Anné Linden

Other Spirit Bodies

Everyone and everything has a spirit body- an energy field. These fields outside of yourself can be sensed in the same way that you see your own spirit body. Simple visualization works best here…

It’s important to never interfere with the spirit body of another person, unless you’re asked to. Our electrical field, with intention, can interact with others and cause changes, just like we did with our own spirit bodies. Some people use this to provide healing to others, but it shouldn’t be done without consent….

Our spirit bodies are unique and expressions of ourselves. They’re windows through which we can see and feel what’s going on on all levels. Just as we can create change within our personal…

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Lessons learned from Fury’s storm


Today I learned a valuable lesson. It had been coming for a while. I am going to share some of it because I am pretty sure this is what I am supposed to do. The day started off quiet and peaceful. I had an appointment at 10 am which I was looking forward to. My husband was asleep. I was quietly going through the 485 emails that had piled up during the week.

I also check on the weekends to see how my bank accounts look. I got into Joe’s just fine but I could not get into mine. The system wanted to verify it was me with a phone call. I did not want to wake up Joe so I said I would check later. I thought it was very strange and had me a bit upset. Yesterday, I came went to use my computer and the screen was blank…not black, blank.  It had crashed and I thought holy smokes, but I got it up after a complete reboot. It has never done that before.  So when the bank thing happened, I was already on alert.

Joe got up and was sitting on his computer as I was getting ready to go make my call. He stops me and announces that his credit score was ***.  I stopped to look over his shoulder and said how did he know that? He said he had filled out something on-line…..My heart stopped completely. I said, “WHAT? Did you give them a social security number?”  He said yes. The next thing I knew I was screaming at him all sorts of things. I do not even remember what I said but it was horrible and vile. I was spitting I was so angry. I had just gone through something with him about giving out information, especially social security numbers and I had screamed then. This was so out of control that I did not even know who I was. I do not think it was possible to have that much anger and hatred bottled up. Of course I had gone to panic mode with my inability to get into my account and I thought maybe  someone had hacked my accounts.  The panic and fury was so overpowering. And yet, it was also intoxicating.  I cannot explain that right now.

The lesson learned was not to protect my accounts. They are, hence the phone call. I have other safety measures in place. My computer had gone out for whatever reason and it wiped out my cookies. So that was the need for verification.

No, the lesson is what happened to me physically. The anger came from within, deep like a fissure erupting. Once it was flowing, it was impossible to stop it. I am not sure that the anger was at all about what had just transpired. Maybe it was more for all that has transpired for a while. I hold on to things and stuff them down. I then take a plunger and shove it in further. “ Nice girls do not get mad.” I heard that voice and I kept quiet. Years of repression from being a nice girl are within and need to spew. I have anger for so many transgressions and hurt and downright physical abuse. I have the right to be angry. May be my timing is not so good…..ya think?  The lesson is that I need to temper the reaction to the right cause. I maybe need to let off steam, but I need a better medium.  But having said all that, it was only part of the lesson. The other part is what all that bottled up anger did to me and what I did to myself when I released it. Fortunately I did make my call and it helped me get calm pretty fast. My peaks and valleys are still deep but not as wide.  I had a wonderful call and then went and sat outside with the dogs for a while.  I realized I was frozen and it was too late. I was all crunched up and my gut reeling and my head hurt, which are all my reactions when I am in a freeze. I was still very sensitive and easily angered still. We went shopping and I calmed. Then this is the lesson and one I will try to keep in my forethought so maybe I will not get so frigging angry.  Because when I calmed down, the inflammation set in and I was almost unable to walk. The lava pain surged through my body. I was in so much discomfort that I felt sick to my stomach. I am way out on taking my shot, I was two weeks over due. Long story why I did not take it. The issue today was from being so tightly wound that when I released it was like snapping a rubber band. Take your hands and tighten them up into a fist. Try to hold that for a so long as a minute and then release it. There is relief but also residual pain. This is what it feels like but it in many places like my main joints and not so main joints. It is because I had flooded my system with so much cortisol that the reaction was inevitable as much as any steroid withdrawal can be.

So lesson learned. Cool it or else. That has to be my motto until I get a better handle on the sympathetic system. My amygdala is like a nuclear reactor that is so very close to a melt down because it is firing too hot. I do not have normal reaction when I get angry or afterwards. I hope I can do this. Understanding all this really helps and I think moving forward that this type of therapeutic work must include training the client/patient to understand what is going on with them physically. There is freedom in understanding, if not helpful to move on.

I did feel bad for being so vile and so I did something. It was huge for me to do. I trusted my husband and try to explain to him the last year and half and what I have been learning. I am not sure if he got it or if he just felt better for not being the total cause. Maybe both. If you read this and think, what is the big deal? The big deal is because I had to trust him enough to share this part of me which is so very personal. It made me incredibly vulnerable to someone, someone very close and…. Well others who had the same role in my life would have used this as an exposed belly and chewed me up at the first chance. We will see if this information will make any difference. I did not tell him to acquit myself of guilt for being so angry either. I did it because I can no longer get so angry and I asked him to think about his actions.  This is a big test.  If you care for someone and they have lung cancer, you do not offer them a cigarette. I did not tell him about my past as that does not matter in this relationship at all. I just explained how I am and how I got there is not important anymore.  He said he was grateful for me telling him so much and he said it made a lot of sense. But …will it change anything. We will see. This is a very big step for me. Today seemed to have a lot of major things happen and I admit I am exhausted.

My Beloved Olive


There have been a few very strange extreme spiritual moments in my life. One happened when I bought my beloved car. I just had my baby tuned up at the local shop. I love to anthropomorphize her. (great word) I thought I would write a tribute to her and tell the story of her acquisition.

My husband and I were still in school working on our Masters. We were so poor at the time we could barely survive and relied a lot on our school loans to get us through. My husband was working part time as substitute and at a local deli. His nickname was Baloney Boy which has stuck. I was working fulltime teaching at a small college. My car at the time was a Saturn which was having a lot of issues but we kept it running for 17 years. His car was a Malibu and had over 100000 miles on it. It died on me in the middle of an intersection. It was time for it to be replaced. We drove it onto the lot, limping along only to find out how bad it was. It would not pass inspection ever again and I am sure that it now resides somewhere as a coffee table in a landfill.

I had been noticing these olive green Malibu Maxx cars on the road and thought how cool they were. I had a dream about that color and type of car. We search the internet and found one locally. As soon as I saw her, I said she was mine. The deal was amazing as she had been purchased by a gentleman who buys new cars and drives them for less than a year and trades them. He work for GM and always was checking out new cars. This one had less than 9100 miles on it and was loaded with all kinds of features. I saw her and named her Olive.

Then came the moment of reckoning. We had nothing to put down on her. The trade on the beat up car was negligible.  I was panicking, which I certainly did a lot back then, about taking on another loan. But because we had no choice, I did. My credit rating is fabulous so we had no issues. Car loans are secured and so just about anyone can get one.

As I was walking towards the actually signing, I felt absolutely wretched. I thought I was going to toss my cookies, I was red in the face, sweating and my heart was pounding. This was not my first time buying a new car, it was my fourth. I do not remember why, but I remember the moment. I was standing alone in the show room for some reason. I felt this warm sensation and then it felt like someone had put their arm on my shoulders in an embrace of support. I felt calm fill me. I heard in my head a soothing voice say that it would be alright. I do not remember specific words but they encouraged me to continue with the transaction. And I did. I do not remember much else of the following moments other than I was shocked about the spiritual experience I just had. I remember it seven years later right down to the feeling on my shoulders.

Olive has been a great car. We have taken her to the River several times. We would take off in her on Sundays for afternoon drives as it was one of the few things we could afford to do. I do not like to drive to new places. In truth, I do not like to drive much anymore. It is on the list of fearful things I need to get over. Having Olive gave me confidence to drive to some places I would not have otherwise. When I had jobs that required me to drive to do visits, she was one of the supports that made me able to do that. She just had a visit to the local Chevy dealer who does the work on her. She has new eyeballs and lashes, (headlight lamps and wipers) a pedicure, (tire rotation) and a colonic (oil change) Every time I bring her in they want to buy her because they know they will get a good deal for her. We are not ready to part and I know there are a few more years of adventures in store for her. She looks brand new because I baby her. She is near the top on my gratitude list.

Learning to reprogram

fledgling eagle

This is in sympathy for all who travel a bumpy and difficult road. I am in a place where I am hoping to discover and create a much less pothole-filled journey for myself.  I spent a quiet weekend with time for reflection and thinking about all that is going on in my life. I am totally aware that the only direction I can take to become healthy and whole is to reprogram the negative thoughts that permeate my life. So I am really focusing on trying to bring in experiences that would start to reprogram my reactions and build a new storage for a more positive attitude. Who would think that this would be so difficult, but it really is.

Let me just explain again that this is not thinking positive. That does not work and will not work for me. What I am talking about is a total immersion into an experience that creates and imprints a somatic sensation that can be put into storage to use in the same manner that I use negative sensations. I need to teach the body to react to triggers with calm and create a positive response instead of tumbling down into an abyss of upset and anger.  I am not making an excuse, but I have a very deep well of the type of reactions that cause me to be fearful and pull me down. Over fifty years in the making I might add. And these reactions are killing me with their toxic chemicals and destruction of my organs and the hippocampus. The hippocampus will atrophy with continual flooding from cortisol. From the website of the National Library of Medicine http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2367228/ :

Non-psychiatric patients with asthma and rheumatic disease who received chronic corticosteroid treatment had a smaller hippocampus and more severe symptoms of depression than patients with the same medical conditions who had not received steroid therapy (Brown et al 2004).

There is evidence that humans having experienced severe, long-lasting traumatic stress show atrophy of the hippocampus more than of other parts of the brain.[72] These effects show up in post-traumatic stress disorder,[73] and they may contribute to the hippocampal atrophy reported in schizophrenia[74] and severe depression.[75] A recent study has also revealed atrophy as a result of depression, but this can be stopped with anti-depressants even if they are not effective in relieving other symptom.             http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hippocampus

So as the above explanation says that yes, you can mask the symptoms by taking antidepressants. This is not an avenue I will do. I believe strongly that there is a way to correct all of this and I am invested in staying the course.  I have to laugh a bit at my frustration of not finding an easy fix and simply turning a switch and “be all better.”

So some of the things I did this weekend were to cook and bake. I have a new stove and oven and my kitchen is now a joy to work in. My husband and I created an Italian feast on Saturday to devour on Sunday. I also experimented with a brownie recipe. We decided at the last minute on Sunday to head out to the Lake so I could take pictures. I needed a River fix, but this was as close as I could get. It did help just to go someplace else but the bleakness of this winter is cast on the water. See my blog from yesterday. I spent the rest of the evening engrossed in an on-line class. Learning is always a positive enforcer for me.

This morning, I spent extra time on meditation because I could feel the anxiety building already before I had finished my coffee. I enjoyed the new shower immensely and was grateful that we had gone through all the struggles to get it put in. As I was driving to work, I realized mid-sentence that I was enmeshed in a singular conversation with my thoughts that were all negative. The sun was out and the snow was sparkling in the crispness of the one degree air. I was almost to work before I stopped and started to pay attention to the beauty that was surrounding this morning trek. As I walked into work, I noticed that a little sparrow had taken up residence in a light overhead and was busy constructing a nursery of sorts for the arrival of spring. Her little song is still playing in my head. I have to consciously stop and allow the experience to totally cover me and become absorbed.

It worries me that I will not have enough time on this plane of existence to correct the damage I have done to my body.  It is so much easier to turn towards the negative and dwell in the dark reassesses of my life. I admit it. It is hard work to find the bright spot when you have blinders on. It is also difficult to move out when you are mired down in situations that are toxic and frustrating. The many tests on my fortitude and resilience have a tendency to wear me down easily.  But there is something inside that says that the darkness is not who I am. It is what has propelled my so far on this journey and although it has dimmed and also burned brighter, it has not left me.




Winter views

In an attempt to change my attitude, we decided to head out and have breakfast at our favorite place and then go to the lake. The water was calling me. I need actually a River fix, but we can only go to the source of the River, Lake Ontario. We live about 12 miles from the southern shore. The weather was not bad yet, but they were calling for Lake effect snow today. I am glad we did go out earlier because this is about four hours later and sure enough, as I write this it is snowing steadily. winter lake view This is looking out over the lake and a private beach area. We like to come down here in the summer and walk the pier.pier in winter        This is the bay outlet which is only partially frozen.   There were swans and duck swimming in the icy water.   swan on winter water

The bleakness and frosty wind was not conducive to taking pictures. We come down here a lot in the summer to enjoy the sunsets. You cannot really see the pier that extends out into the lake. It is fun to stand on the bridge which they remove in the summer to allow the outlet to be open and watch all the boats go out into either the lake or the bay.

The rest of the day will be spent working on a course I am taking or sitting in our new chairs. The boys beat me to it.

new chairs               asleep in chair


Winnie and Me

winnie the pooh
I just watched a wonderful webinar with Dr. Bruce Lipton who wrote the Biology of Belief. He is a biologist whose work with stem cells led him to some very interesting discoveries. Some of you may know his work. I read the book a while ago and was not able to “get it” all. Tonight’s webinar is in a series of Wednesday night offerings. Two weeks ago there was one that was like a wake up slap that led me to more understanding about the connection between the brains older systems and the connection to neuro imprinting to the way I live and why.

Tonight Dr. Lipton was talking about the fallacy that we are controlled by our genes. The way we are is not genetically predisposed at all. Matter of fact, according to the good Doctor, genes are not at all involved in why we do the things we do. He says that it is from the imprinting done in utero and up to the age of seven. I will try to explain his theory. And it is substantiated theory which I am personally engaged in understanding.

He explains that you take stem cells and put them in a petri dish, they will multiply exponentially until they create a new body of cells. He says the material they grow the cells in is basically man made blood and that the human body is a living petri dish. The correlation is the same for growing new cells and hence we survive biologically, growing new cells multiple times, just like the plastic petri dish.

But he says that what is different in his studies is that he could impact the cells in the petri dish by changing the environment. No frontal cortex there. In previous things I have read, and also in this webinar he talks about stress hormones and the impact they have on the body. We know that being under stress the body releases chemicals to react and to survive. There is no “thinking” when this happens. It is automatic. Matter of fact the thinking mind stops and the brain goes to a lower system that automatically “knows” what to do. He said they observed a change in the cellular makeup when they introduce stress chemicals such as cortisol even in the petri dish. This is just a real quick overview of what he was saying.

He said something I did not know and that I think was terribly important and connects more in the arena I have been studying. He said that an unborn child learns stress before he/she is born if the mother is stressed. The chemicals are transferred into the placenta and into the child. So a child whose mother is under stress will impact the child automatically, imprinting the circuitry that creates fear stimulating the fight, flight or freeze mechanisms. And once the child is born, that impact is continuous up until the age of seven. And why? Because children fire a different brain wave called theta, which is the same brain wave that accesses the subconscious in hypnosis and deep mediation.  Children are truly sponges and are constantly pulling information in and imprinting it in their subconscious. So if you live in an environment that is chaotic, abusive and violent as a child, imagine what that does. And as an adult, you may cognitively think you are not upset, or that things are not bothering you, but your body is off doing its own thing. And viola…

So I said something in a previous post about my science project. It continues and this week was not as successful as I had hoped it would be. I employed a tool and some other techniques to help stabilize my reactions and my physical well-being. Nope, did not work. I know this is going to be a long process because there is a lot to retrain, but I was disappointed in myself very much. I had a horrible day on Monday but thought I had everything under control. But I did not, and I reacted poorly which ended up making things worse. And even when I THOUGHT I was good, my body was preparing for battle. And so, I erupted at the wrong thing. Which afterwards, my physical condition went to hell. My gut instead of shutting down went the other way. I never know which it will be, which is fun. I have not slept well and now my left ankle is as big as a tree and pain is coursing through my body. Just in case you may not know, inflammation is a marker for stress but it often appears after the initial dosage of stress chemicals assaults the body. So, for me, there is a cyclical pattern, which believe me, I want to stop. I explode or get terribly depressed or a combination of the two, I tighten up all my muscles causing cramping and the inability to breathe deeply and my digestion is interrupted, followed by intense Psoriasis and arthritic flares which appear anywhere. Dr. Lipton talked about how babies who are stressed in utero often have digestion issues because the blood flow goes to the extremities and not the visceral organs. Instead the abundant cortisol transfers into fat and deposits in the abdomen to protect those organs. Hello…. I was born with huge digestion issues that were only resolved by giving me small feedings of  goat’s milk as an infant. My digestion or lack of it has plagued me my whole life. And my Winnie the Pooh shape is a testimony to the production of said deposits.

I know I have not discovered anything new. There is a lot of information coming out on all of this. There are a lot of reasons why but the answers to stopping it all seems to vary. But it is just a relief for me to know there are reasons things are the way they are. And I continue to learn.

The funk of February

snow coming down

snow coming down

This has been one of the coldest and most dreary winters in a long time. Or so it seems. I think we say this every year. February is not one of those months I enjoy because I am sick of snow by now and look forward to the arrival of spring. This year, we had a very apparent lack of sunshine and too much snow.  Around these parts, we all start too get cabin fever. It is not like people do not go out, but the air has been so bitterly cold, that even venturing out is dangerous. Usually we get one week of below zero, but this year, the temperatures have been constantly single digits.

Last night I ventured out with the air so sharp it felt like little knives on your skin. I attended my music class as I do most Tuesday nights. I enjoy the class not only for the chance to learn to play my recorder but for the camaraderie and fun. Last night, we moved into uncharted territory with a new book and we were sight reading because all three of us heard our instructor say to practice the old book’s last lesson. So like three cats in heat, we painfully progressed through our new lesson. We learned high b flat which for some reason on my instrument sounded more like a goose caught in a lawn mower. And every time we had to play it, and this noise came out of my instrument, I burst into laughter. If you know me, you know I have this silly giggle that sounds like I am about three and it is hard not to laugh at the laugh. Whoa to us, because I would giggle and I would hear my dear friend chortle which would send me off in to a spasm of more giggles and we were lost. I would look up over the music stand to see the instructor glowering at me.

The result of the hour spent making more sounds like I was playing a party favor than a gorgeous baroque melody had a medicinal effect of calming me down and getting me a bit out of the deep funk I was in the past days. By laughing, I released my diaphragm which is the first thing that gets locked up when I am stressed. My body chemistry changed and like a tonic, I felt so much better. I realized again that I had fed the wrong beast too much. But it all fairness, it is hard this time of year for many of us who are trapped indoors to be cheerful. And we feed each other’s beast by being nasty to each other. So I need to find things to calm me and choose them. Even now, when I draw up in my head the pinched look on the instructor’s face from last night, I still giggle. I am not sure if it was his frustration with us or that his ears truly hurt. Thank heavens the man is slightly deaf.

The experiment part 1

Charlene and friends  1

I  feel like a scientist this week. I am involved in an experiment and I am the subject as well as the observer. It was spurned by a webinar and DVD that I was listening to. In short review, I finally understand the neuroscience behind all the “things” I have been going through. I am not going to rewrite about it as it is pretty spelled out if you go back a couple of my blogs. There is a lot of material coming out on neuroplasticity and retraining the brain. Some of it I have worked with such as EFT . Interesting stuff but this is not what I want to share. I was pleasantly surprised with a simple method that I was told about many times but never could wrap my brain around it. There was a piece missing for me for it to make sense.

 Thinking happy thoughts does not work for me. I cannot sustain a “happy thought” for very long and the residual affect does not stay for long. It is like the passing smile that fades when one forgets why they are smiling. I was pleased to learn in my reading and listening that this is normal. Normal…. We are made to be negative and suspect. It is what keeps us safe. I thought a lot about that this week.

I remember as a child that I had little fear of people. I loved everyone. I had a smile and hug for everyone. I was not a safe child and I paid dearly. I learned quickly to hide and that was my protection. I was not smart about people my whole life. I struggle with it even today, although I have some tools now in my arsenal that I did not have before. My little girl inside me still feels incredibly sad that this world is this way and it adds to my disconnect to most people. I have come to accept it and I also have accepted that I am different form most and that is ok. I just have to learn to cope better here, on this plane and place.

 Negativity is toxic. Being sad and angry and upset is poison that courses through the body like a snake destroying not only the spirit, but in my case, my body. I am embracing a new process which is fascinating for me. It is not new, it has been told to me by many and I just could not connect it. It is just part of the new experience I am working on.

 On Friday, a friend at work came into my office. She reads this blog, so I hope she does not mind me sharing. She was telling me how she really got something out of the last webinar on imprinting good sensations. She was going to try to work on imprinting good feelings as much as she could. She said she was stopped at a four way stop and the other car let her go. As she proceeded past the other car, my friend waved quick thanks. The other car waved back. It struck a chord in my friend and she allowed the feeling of kindness wash over her for a few minutes. She said it was quite embracing and felt lovely. She said it stuck with her for a while. She also said she got how this would be something she could draw on later.

 When she told me of her experience I was so happy for her. I too had decided to try my own episodes of imprinting. I fortunately had an opportunity to have a session with John, my PT who did a Reflax on me. It is very hard to explain, but the sensation of touch coupled with feeling safe and warm, listening to music course through headset and chair is very powerful. It is like a super fix of good feelings. I have had this done many times, but never had the same imprint as this time because I understood it. Although there is a temporary high and then polar rebound for me, I took away a few things which I employ when I start to feel a stressor. All week I would take a moment and just breathe and let something nice wash over me and I would bath in the feeling. It is too soon to say if this is working. I am also working on something else which I think is stunning, but I am not ready to share yet. This is the scientist part I was alluding to in the beginning.

 I am going to add something that I did not get before either. When you are in a negative state, it festers and blooms until you become completely absorbed in the sewage. And we help each other get to that state by feeding crap to each other. I stopped watching the news a long time ago. Now I do not watch TV at all. I check out Facebook but do not live for it. Matter of fact any free time is now spent on reading or writing. I try not to feed the beast. This last week at work, I kept to myself a lot more. I did spend time with the people I care about there and that makes it easier to deal with the garbage stuff going on. But I conscientiously looked for pleasant moments and really let them soak in. On my ride to and from work, I really drew on the beauty of the fields and orchards I pass. I looked for birds and spotted a few hawks. We went for a ride on Saturday and I spotted four Hawks, which always imprints a sensation of protection for me. And there is a reason for it. There were spotless nights with the moon peeking out between the barren branches. There was a blanket of love that was sent from a far that enveloped me at different times all week. I sensed the comfort and care that this energy was sent with, and embraced it fully. It allowed me to be able to return the gift wrapped in gratitude and that also felt wonderful to project.

 For so long, my being was encapsulated in a shroud of anger and pain. The fabric was woven many years ago and layer upon layer was applied. It numbed me. I had to get to a place that I felt safe enough to start to really let the sheaths slip away. For me, I needed to understand and really connect. There are some who know how much studying, reading and research I have been doing in this short year and half. Like a sponge, I have been looking for the reasons and answers to so much. Many have said slow down, “just be”. Ah, the truth is; I was just being me all along. So I will continue to work at understanding as hard as I have. I am taking the next steps with strong conviction and strength. And as I wrote that, I allowed the feeling of power wash over me and embrace me mind, body and soul.

The Signifigance of the Heron

Great Blue Heron on rock

Charlene on Rock

It is a quiet Saturday morning as I face this blank page trying to decide how to put into words some of the things I have learned in this very powerful week. For the past months there has been a lot of construction going on in my home and in my being. The house is out of my control because I am not doing the work. My contractor is an artist in remodeling and I will not rush him. I have learned that he certainly knows what he is doing and so I give him free reign on his craft in my home. He is the same man who did the work last spring on my garden and look how that turned out. The poor garden is buried under two feet of snow and crisscrossed with paths designed by little fur feet.

There is also a lot of construction going on in me. One of the things I did recently was to change my picture I used to identify myself on WordPress. I had a picture of my beloved Bishop who passed in November. I changed it only to represent the change I am feeling in myself. The heron is my favorite bird because of many reasons. But it is an amazing bird when you look at it. The have the most delicate legs and look like they would never get off the ground. They also are not particularly beautiful in comparison to other birds…..until they take flight. Then you see the strength and ability. It takes my breath every time I see one in flight close up. I know in my heart they are my spirit totem.

From Jamie Sams “Medicine Cards”: Heron medicine is the power of knowing the self by discovering the gifts and facing challenges. It is the ability to accept all feelings and opinions without denying any emotion or thought. Heron asks that they follow their intuition and begin the empowering journey of self-realization.

Charlene in flight

Charlene in flight


I was in love with the heron long before I started in this section of my journey. I am acutely aware that I have been on this path for a very long time without being aware of it. This became apparent to me when I was doing some quiet time thinking and realized how everything I have done in my life in some way has led me to this point. I know that is a moron’s comment. Of course I am here because I am. But the difference is before; I had no idea what I AM meant.


To have less fear of judgment and ridicule has set me free to fly. I have much to learn still about protection and boundaries, but I am willing to learn and comprehend. Before, I had a huge block with those topics. There was much that was self-perpetuated that was stopping me and blocking me and yet I have kept on. Much like the impossibility of the heron to get off the ground, I have struggled but took flight.

I was also very focused on an end result. That is upbringing and being a teacher. Everything is measurable in some way and so I focused on a destination with a tangible result. I am not saying that I do not look for achievement or outcomes for myself. The difference is they are not the driving force. This frees me up to switch lanes or sample freely all that is presented. I have come to understand that what is supposed to stick resonates with me. I trust that sensation in my gut much more than ever.

Today the sun is out and the air is brilliant with sparkles of snow crystals shimmering in the air. It is very cold still and the ground is frozen and covered. But I know, I can feel it, there is growth as the light is elongating and the color shifts. I see more animals out and birds in the air, which is a true sign that spring is coming. I honor many of the old Wiccan or Pagan holidays and some Christian ones too. But this season is one of my favorite Pagan ones. Imbolc, which is in Christian tradition, Candlemas. It signifies the increasing light of spring arriving. It celebrates the birthing of lambs and actually means ‘ewes are with milk’. It is the beginning of the transition to spring and growth. It is very significant for me especially this year.Flying heron