A Passing Storm

storm and heron

It is pouring out and we have had a series of thunderstorms blow in tonight. I love storms, except blizzards when I have to go somewhere. It can snow if I can stay home. But I have a passion for thunderstorms. It fits my mood tonight. I am not sure why I am so stormy…ok, I do. But it is alright. I will get through this.

0mist on the water

When someone like me goes through trying to negotiate life in the present moment, it takes an abundant amount of focus and stamina to stay in the present moment. After all this time of working things out, I still struggle with memories that haunt me. They are a mere vapor as opposed to the huge specters they used to be. But every once in a while, I get hooked up by their gossamer tentacles. This most recent visit is my father’s voice. In this case, it is not something about me as much as I hear myself sound like him. It is very disappointing that I hear my father’s anger and hatred in my own thoughts. I do not vocalize it, but I hear it in my head. An example of this is when I look at people and his judgment would pop in. I am not like him, but there is this moment when I hear his critical comment on EVERY thing. I think, “wow, I hope they do not see that on my face.” And if you know me, you know my face shows everything.

001

But there are times when I do make a judgment and then say it. I can be very opinionated. I gave up for a long time and went belly up. And people would roll over me as I suffered in silence. Now I do ask for my needs to be met and I also know when it is not my turn. But lately, I see there are times when I am too strong or too weak and finding balance is tough.

Rain coming up the River

My dear friend told me that she was going through a phase of weird dreams. This weekend, the phase hit me. I had very lucid and mildly disturbing dreams. But I wake suddenly and feel the fear that was plaguing me in my dream. It is very frustrating to start your day with the first breath of morning being one of sadness or fear. This morning I actually had tears spill out of my eyes and I cannot tell you why. I think I shake it off, but then I know I have not as the day progresses. I am in a freeze and it manifests in my physically.

090

I am also in a learning phase again of my journey to connect more pieces of my mind, body and soul. I have come to a place of feeling blocked. All of this will pass eventually, but for now it is unpleasant. Much like the storms that are blowing through tonight, the day will break eventually and things will be better than before.

sunset view

All photos @Jdemeis 2014  taken at the River

Advertisements

Views from the River 6-2014

I decided to do something nice for myself and work on publishing some of my photos. I never get tired of sharing views from the River. This visit, there were a lot of babies to take pictures of. In the four days, I shot over 260 photos. Heron in the clouds

My favorite bird and totem is the Blue Heron. I shoot an extraordinary amount of them when I see them. I like this shot of the blue sky and the clouds. flying heron This one’s wings are a bit messed up. heron 2 Not this one. Magnificent. heron 4

I waited every morning to see one on the rock as traditionally there is usually one there. Finally on the fourth day she appeared. heron3 and then sailed off in front of me. I swear she knows I have a camera.

There were a lot of geese but not as many as in previous years. It was because the winter was so hard. I was wondering if the goose I named BW made it. I hope so. But here is Momma and her nursery. There were three different families that camped on the rocks below the room.

quiet nursery  nightsleeping babies

There were other Mommas.    Here is a turkey and an Osprey for Rising Hawk.

Mom Turkey       Hawk

Here is a grown up bunch of geese taking off.   I love the dance they do.    take off

This shot is where I go at least once a day to meditate and sit in the River. This time, the rocks were covered with slim and I slipped and found out how cold the water is in June. Fortunately I caught myself. I hope they dry up a bit before we go back.

my sitting spot  and this shot is the view when I sit up in bed. Every morning I am greeted with this view. view from bedAll photos copyright of Jdemeis @ 2014

 

Summer Transitions

looking ahead

I survived. Not sure what option I had, but I got through my 60th birthday. I had a lovely week of celebration. I think people should be honored at their birthday and I like to have it linger. It is a holdover from childhood that I think is a good one. We went to the River for a long weekend. I took over 260 photos which I will share as time moves on. Today I want to muse about the upcoming summer, the summer solstice and the energy that seems to be currently around a lot. This is my circle that I am reflecting on and it may not be like this elsewhere. Does it not seem lately that the energy seems pinched? It is like so many of us are going through a tiny passage and we are being squeezed as we pass. Some people are not making their way and others are reacting by being snarky or frustrated. I too seem to be in another place where I am dealing with a big issue that I have had all my life. It is so deep that I am not even ready to share it. Just the concept of working on it has been very overwhelming.

Summer to me is a time of doing things outdoors, so I am at my most connected. The garden is gorgeous and I have a series of pictures which somehow I ended up creating a second blog page when I posted it. I enjoy sitting out at night and meditating and this is the time of year where the nights are the longest. When I was a child, I used to hate having to go to bed when it was still light out. I love it now as it is like having a gift of freedom to enjoy even when you work until 5PM. In the winter here, I go to work in the dark and return in the dark and it really gets to me. The solstice is the point where things will start to shift and the light will begin to decrease. The month before the solstice is my favorite time of the year. But it may be that energy of the shift that I am sensing and seeing in others. The energy that we are headed to a new period and the transmission is causing unrest. The solstice is a time to honor the Earth Mother and all her gifts to us. I love the greenness of the area I live in and the beauty of the flowers and plants. It is amazing that every year this gift comes back to us. This year I sense another energy just on the other side and I am not sure what or why. It is making me a bit off center, a little dizzy.

That is what it feels like, unrest. It is not always bad but can be disturbing. People who I talk are describing this feeling in their lives and how unsettled they feel. At work, we have a lot of turmoil and have recently found out our CEO is leaving. When you work in healthcare, there is nothing but change but having your leader leave can be altering. I know people who seem to be normally pretty focused now seem unraveled and disheartened as to their life direction. I am struggling to articulate this well.

To me it seems like many are on a roller coaster ride. You pay to take the ride and then spend most of it trying to get off the ride. I do not feel that off kilter, that I am up and down. I feel more like I am going through a tunnel again with a tiny speck of light just beginning to appear. I have done this before and came through to a wonderful place, so the fear factor is minimal. Actually, there is some excitement about whatever is coming and I feel that for others too. For now, I will hold on and encourage those around me to do the same.

 

 

The Core Of Our Strength

From my dear Teacher and Mentor, such great wisdom I wanted to share it.

From the Desk of MarDrag

Core 9

“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” ~ Marcus Aurelius

“Courage isn’t having the strength to go on – it is going on when you don’t have strength.” ~ Napoleon

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ~ Corrie Boom

“Don’t be afraid of your fears. They’re not there to scare you. They’re there to let you know that something is worth it.” ~ C. JoyBell C.

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it…

View original post 625 more words

Turing 60

river morning

This coming week, we are off to the River. It is the first trip this year. Usually, we go up just when the ice is flowing off and the trees are just starting to wake up. But we did not this year. I need the River so much right now. Next Sunday, I will turn 60 and I cannot think of a better place to be. I am struggling mightily with this. I have all sorts of phobias and fears associated with aging. The alternative is not very enticing either. I am grateful for being alive this long.

fledgling eagle

The last couple of years have been a review of my past. I have been looking at things with the guidance of some wonderful people who have helped me to see things for what they are. I feel I have grown wiser and more balanced. I would not trade the experience for anything and yet, I never want to go through it again either.

But now, here is this number staring at me. I cannot avoid it. My mother did not see 60. She died at 59 from an aggressive lung cancer. I was 23. I thought she was not really old. I remember her mother, my Gram, when she was 65 and she WAS old. She had kinky grey hair, and boney gnarled fingers. Her eyes were sunken with dark circles. She had a tough life until her daughter, my Aunt took her in. My Aunt and Uncle were millionaires and they took great care of her. Gram died in her sleep at 92. My Aunt died bitter at 89. Her life was her husband and my Uncle died suddenly six years before and nothing was the same for her. She too, went in her sleep while in hospice care. Although my Aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer at 21, she survived with no re-occurrence. She and my Uncle had a great life, especially in retirement. I never saw my Aunt as being old.

My Aunts Ashes and Flowers

MY Aunt B

My father lived to be 71. He went in pieces. He had several bypass surgeries and had his leg amputated when he was in his early 50’s. His side of the family has factor V Leiden which is a blood condition that causes clots. They did not know much about it back then. His mother, my Nana, had it too. He slowly built up plague on his tubing and that caused him to lose the leg and other plumbing issues. It is his illness that causes me great fear. I also have the condition. There is nothing to do about it accept take Coumadin. I was diagnosed with it in 2003 when they found five clots, one located almost in my heart. I was totally blessed and have written about the experience as they all miraculously disappeared. But every time I have cramping in my legs, which I have often, I think…crap…here it comes.

dancing geese

This past month I have been having some major health issues. I have been like the golden goose and passing kidney stones. This condition came about from being over medicated years ago. The drugs caused my right kidney to stop working. I got it functioning back to 41%. This past few months, I have been passing stones again after none for several years. This past week, Tuesday, I was pleased to give birth to triplets, one stone being almost an inch long. One of my dearest friends, who lacks sympathy, has decided I should polish the stones (I have over 30 ) and open up a jewelry shop and call it Pissery Barn. In reaction to having a slow moving collection of stones in my urinary plumbing, I ended up becoming toxic. My output slowed down and what was coming out was battery acid. Yes, I have an immensely high threshold for pain. This was coming on for a couple of weeks. I finally went to the doctor who immediately reacted with more drugs. These drugs, I think, have caused another reaction which is to thin my blood too much. Yesterday and the night before, I was in horrible pain with leg cramps. The solution was to simply stop the drugs and eat a salad.

End of day

End of day

But all this, after not having anything so critical was very scary and disheartening. And then…there is turning 60.

I know I have so much to live for. This is the best time of my life so far. I have something I never had before and that is feeling safe. I think the fear of being so ill suddenly shook my newly built foundation. I have so little faith in western medicine. It was just like I was just getting my head fixed and my spirit in line and then the body went out of alignment. I have heard though that this is not that unusual in the healing process. I am hopeful that this too shall pass. I will find solace in the beauty and peace of the River and I am sure it will help heal me.

What amuses me is that the age of 61 does not bother me a bit. Maybe I will just skip 60.

all photos @jdemeis 2014

Getting Help

The Finger of God

Sunday has arrived again. This week was pleasant in my neck of the woods with warm days and cool nights. Today there will be 30 degree shift from the morning cool to the afternoon high. At least it is not snowing. My thoughts this weekend are about getting help. Some of us stubborn people think we can do it alone and without help and support. I used to think it was a sign of strength and wisdom. It is absolutely the opposite. Actually taking care of you by seeking out help and support is an act of self-worth and love. I had my own adventure this month in arrogant stupidity.

I work with a patient GP who knows he is not going to win with me by shoving pills down my throat. We have tests done and wait things out before we medicate. And the reason for this is because when I was first diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis, the multiple doctors I saw all threw pills at me. I was on steroids, chemotherapy and metformin and other prescriptions. The results were to crash one of my kidneys. I am lucky it was only one. I was able through time to bring it up to 41% usage and it has been ok up until recently. Something shifted and something is wrong. I have not been feeling great in other physical ways for about a month. Silly me, I had an appointment coming up and so I waited. There is an issue, and so I have to go through a series of testing until they figure exactly out what. Meanwhile, I have been suffering and I should have gone in sooner. I wanted to escape exactly what I now have to face. Being stubborn about this only has made it worse. I could have had some relief sooner. I wonder how many people are foolish like me who procrastinate and only make things worse.

There are those whose suffering is a life sentence. There is help out there, but it takes courage to face the issues we all naturally have and a strong will to change the way we are. It takes time to find the right help and the right support. I have been blessed to have such great mentors and guides who have helped healed parts of my being that I did not even know were broken. Working on a Spiritual path and healing from past wounds is not for sissies or the weak. It is easy to say that we are above all that or that the person who is trying to help is wrong because we do not like what we hear. But we need help in shedding the old toxins and poisons and we need guidance to show us what we do not know. If you always do what you always do and expect change; that is the definition of insanity.

Sometimes the guidance comes from a friendly source. Sometimes it is just someone to share thoughts with, to dream with and to help focus a path to follow. We are not designed to be alone. We need to support each other and to ask for help. Love is the pure definition of support, especially when it is unconditional. We are here to grow and shine. Maybe the light has dimmed or the walls seem so unsurmountable that we want to give up. There is no shame in asking for a hand. It is human.

Sometimes we see the thing we need the most by helping others find their way. Sometimes we are the giver, and in giving we heal. But you also need to receive to refill your resources because it is easy to become depleted.

There are not enough words to express the gratitude I have for those who have helped me on my path and to help me heal. The only gift I can give them is to live the life they saw for me and to continue to grow and shine my light. I am humbled by the experiences I have had, the depth of the care and love they have shown me, and the patience to let me learn what it is to just be. I am by no means done with this work and I will continue to need support and guidance to grow. I am not embarrassed by this need, I am honored that I have been given the help. Thank you.