door 123

noun: tenacity
1. the quality or fact of being able to grip something firmly; grip.
synonyms: persistence, determination, perseverance, doggedness, strength of purpose, tirelessness, indefatigability, resolution, resoluteness, resolve, firmness, patience, purposefulness…..

This word is very tricky. I am very tenacious in some things, but I am not patient. I do have determination and perseverance, but I do tire. At what point does the tenacious one become the fool? That is what popped in my head this morning.

I do not have a firm grip on my life, my purpose and reason for existence. For me, to just be is not enough. To some, a life of quiet and calm is perfect. They go through life with such ease.  I need something more in my life.

I have fought very hard to rid my life of constant fear. I have been successful to some extent. Fear is not my constant companion but it would be ludicrous to think that after a lifetime spent in worry and terror that all would suddenly disappear. I would say I have learned to handle it better and make it not so prevalent. Because my existence is now not spent in survival, it has created a void. I needed to be available though and so the work was necessary.

I need to find my passion. No one can tell me what this will be either. I am totally on my own to discover it. And like an explorer, I have been off on many tangents trying to figure out what it would be. And again, the word tenacious comes in to play as I a seeker with the utmost persistence. It would be a different thing if I was still in my youth, but alas, I am far from those years. Some days I feel like I am on a game show trying to select door number one, only to find it locked or empty.

But as I said I am tenacious. I just need to work on another T-word and that is ….. TRUST.


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