Harm ye none…

Samhain is a Wiccan holiday which I still embrace. I enjoy the traditions of many religions or practices, judging nothing as right or wrong. I have embraced the old ways for over a decade and consider the Goddess as a part of my spiritual world. But I also integrate many practices and beliefs from Christian doctrine, Native American and Buddhist thoughts. To me, it is all man made anyways so there is no way it can be right or wrong. It comes from one source. It is in the interpretation that it becomes personal and humanized. Those who stand on a mountain and declare their way as the only way have totally missed the point. I feel for zealots because their pontification of a narrow pathway often inhibits the exact thing they seek or offer.

Since I was young, I have always been in tuned with the moon. Some of my earliest visual memories are of a night sky with clouds passing in front of the Moon. I am also very drawn to water and feel much of my rhythms are directed by her, much like the tide. I have sat in moon light since I was old enough to be able to stay up and outside by myself. The platinum light has always evoked an emotional bond. But I also get the Light of Christ. I believe that the Moon is a reminder that we all take strength from the Light, no matter its origin. I tell people to look at the Moon when it is full and think of me as I do them. It is a reminder of the love I send them. I think of the light washing down on them as I would my love if they were close.

I set up candles every full moon and still perform a basic gratitude ritual. I know all the words, and evoke the four corners of spirits for protection, cast a circle and a cone of protection. I have the tools and the specific ritualistic accoutrements. I do not go through the process in much detail anymore as I do not do anything spiritually that rings false. I do what comes from my heart.

I also have a place in the garden which is my Goddess garden. It is four little globe lights with a blue gazing ball in the center. I have globes all over the garden to represent the Maiden, Mother and Crone.  It is for me and to honor the feminine deity or as I prefer; source. I think there are all aspects of spirit source and I honor the male as well. I also, of course, honor animal spirit.

There is something about Samhain that calls deep within my soul and has since I was  a child. I loved Halloween for the mystic and wondrous feeling of possible magick that wearing costumes and wandering in the night allowed. As a youngster, the opportunity to be something else for a short while inspired me to go into theater as a young woman. But even at the age eleven, which was the first time I went out by myself, there was something special. I still remember not being afraid of the night, partially because I had escaped from the house of horrors that was my home. When I was a teen, we would roam in a pack often perpetuating harmless tricks like toilet papering trees and such.

One year when I was part of a coven, they did a full on ritual to call in the dead. It was not scary at all because the drama of the participants was so over the top, it was humorous to me and fake. That was the termination of my participation in a coven and much of my Wiccan practice.

To me Samhain is a time of reflection. It is the year end in the Wiccan calendar. It is the time of deep reflection as the Goddess retreats to the underworld. There are many myths attached to this season. I reflect on this period as a transitional time. In the past years and even this year, there have been serious things that have happened to me. It was at this time my first marriage proceeded into a divorce. I was diagnosed with two serious illnesses at this time of year. I have lost now three dogs in this time period. Both of my parents became gravely ill and died after months of struggle. I do not enjoy that the animals go into hibernation and migrate. Nor do I enjoy the plants and trees either dying or go dormant. It is a time of rest, and I get that.  I have come through all of these transitions and often to a better place.

I also still celebrate Beltane as the season of regrowth and birth. I honor many of the traditions of Pagan origin. I feel being called a Heathen is an honor since it means “from the Heath”. I am from the heath. My heart pumps chlorophyll, no doubt about it. But I embrace one solid thought that no matter the practice, we all come from one source and we are all one whether we take communion at a rail and alter or from an athame.

So blessed be to you all. May you look upon the Light of the Moon the next time she shines and think of me as I do you. May the love of your ancestors embrace you as you honor them with the lowering of the veil. May you find peace in whatever traditions and rituals you partake in.

“An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will”    So mote it be.

In Honor of Bishop….. atb 10-28-2013

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He was a scrawny mess of a dog. I was tending the Basset booth at a Humane Society event. I had my Toots with me when someone came up and said I should go look at this dog. They were going to put him down at 7pm when the place closed. They said he was a basset blend. So I went and looked at this dog that God had put together with pieces from other dogs. He got along with Toots which was amazing as she did not like other dogs too much. She walked with him on a joint leash and was calm. I thought he would make a good dog for her and my husband. I have no idea why I brought him home. It was meant to be. He was skinny, weighing only 40 pounds. He should have weighed about 80 or 90. He had short legs but the basset long body. He was a mess. He was meant to be.

Bishop was there for me when I went through my divorce. He would know when I was upset, or if he heard me crying, he would come find me, crawl into my lap as much as he could and let me cry on him. Sometimes he would bring me a ball and say, “Ok Mommer, its ok, now let’s play.”bish831  He grew so strong and he became my Champion. There was not a squirrel that Bishop would tolerate. The garden was his Kingdome he shared with me.

100-0079_IMGHe would jump off the 010deck in wild abandonment after a grey bandit. It was his joy.

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I have to stop for now…. but I have so much more to share about my beloved boy. We had fourteen years of love together.

I want to share it.

Interesting discovery

Chemical verses electrical. Biological verses spiritual. Polarity. These are few of the things that I have on my mind at the end of this week. Being in balance is not easy and I am the first one to say that I sometimes go to the farthest reaches when I am out of balance. But I come to an even keel faster that I used to. The pendulum does not swing so violent any more. I spent a moment and went back to look at a couple of my posts. I understand that often my words may not fully explain my feelings. I hate that to me it often sounds like I am whining. My intent is to share and to evoke some semblance of “I get what others are going through”. But I also like to offer up things in an attempt to maybe teach something.  So today I am going to share a discovery I had yesterday.

On purpose, I have very thorough labs done on my blood. I have a hereditary condition that I have to monitor monthly to set at a therapeutic level. But I also make my doctor check for other things. One of the first things I had checked was my vitamin D levels years ago before it became common. My reading at the time was 13. Normal is around 50 -74. It compounded my aches and pains. I was put on massive doses of Vit D and now maintain with about 4000 u. daily and my levels are around 40. A few years ago I had my thyroid and my parathyroid levels tested. My thyroid was high and so I went on something that did not sit well with me in short order and went off it. The level naturally came back down. I went through huge testing because my parathyroid level was way off. They discovered nodules but never did anything else about it. This happens often with me. They discover something and go crazy like I am going to die tomorrow and then nothing is done. My level seems not to be of interest now.

So I started to notice last spring that my energy levels were very low. My drug for my arthritis often affects my energy, but I am used to that. Someday I will get off that poison. But this was more. I thought maybe it was the weather, but I had been feeling like this for a while, even when the weather was nice. The feeling was more like running out of gas much quicker. Two weeks ago it was six months since my last lab panel. I called the doctor and added a new test.

Here is the interesting thing I did discover which hit me like a brick. Last fall I went on Weight Watchers  and was a faithful dieter. I struggled and actually gain weight at first. This was not my first rodeo with dieting by any means and it was the third time on WW. I had lost weight years ago pretty successfully but some of the weight came back. But I had incorporated many of the tools and eating habits as a natural part of my eating. When I went on WW last fall I actually gained weight because I had to eat so many points. I struggled to lose an ounce. I took my readings to two different nutritionists at work and all were stumped. One suggested I eat more protein and that actually helped. In eight months I barely lost ten pounds. But I worried about every mouthful, felt guilt at any transgression and the charting of the consumption was hugely time consuming. In March I was so fed up with the process, I quit.

I have my blood pressure checked regularly and was noticing an increase of about 20 – 30 points on the high number and 5 -10 points on the lower last fall and winter. I had stabilized it before. The doctor was concerned but I asked him to wait before dumping another pill down my throat.

In July I had my tests done and although the lousy ten pounds had slowly come back, the numbers showed no change in anything. I monitor my glucose closely as I have had very high readings when I was on a certain drug. But this is the fun thing we discovered in the labs I did last week: My sugar (BGs) had not fluctuated much in the last two years and they are at the high end of normal. Tryglycerides actually went down a bit. The thing he always is stumped by is that my cholesterol has been 110 to the high of 180. But this lab is was 88. HA! My levels went down from NOT dieting. But the biggest change is my blood pressure has been normal in the last readings I have done. I had them done at another place and they have been consistently down. I give credit to the meditation and other spiritual work I have been doing. He checked it himself as he thought maybe I was wrong and was surprised with a 123/74.  HA! My conclusion is mine and many will not agree. But they are finally discovering that sometimes dieting is a lesson in futility. I am in agreement. There needs to be a better solution towards health. Mine for now is acceptance of my body as is. I know many people will be up in arms over this as being obese is the absolute number one “no no” in our society. I am done with fighting to be something everyone else has a problem with. I am going to die of something and chances are it will be from the calcification from the PsA on my organs.

And to here is what else was discovered in the labs: I have pernicious anemia. This is the inability to process Vit B12. My level was very low. All my B vits were low. This one was extreme. The cause…. You got it, an intrinsic factor that is not there due to the Psoriatic Arthritis. Yupper. This little disease is far reaching. I am accepting it for what it is. I will have to get a shot in my arm probably for life. But for now, we will monitor my levels and reassess in four months. But a low level of Vit B 12 makes you tired and lethargic, confused and moody. All makes sense. I had a feeling that this may have been the case as I was diagnosed once before with Pernicious Anemia and had shots but then for some reason they were stopped and never checked again. My message is to be your own health advocate. The doctor cannot read your mind and if you do not tell him what is happening, he/she will not know to test. I asked him specifically this time to test for all the vitamin b’s on my lab panel.

I look forward to feeling better. I am also not going to diet ever again. I will instead embrace healthy eating for life. But if Mr. Chocolate Cake wants me to enjoy a piece of it, I am. One piece. Life is what you make of it.

Closing the Garden

yard fall It is sad and very difficult for me to close the garden up for the year. We put all the statues away and this weekend I will take and dump all the pots. They actually have snow predicted for today. I do not need a forecast from any other source than my body. I am all aches. The cold bothers me not only because I do not like the cold, but it makes me flare. I like fall when it is warm and the trees are full of color. November through March are not my favorite months.

herbs We had a cherry tomato plant that produced green tomatoes which Chip and Dale and Mrs. Bunny thought were excellent. We actually ate about five. I brought all the herbs into the enclosed back porch until I am ready to process them.  I prefer them fresh and so they will stay there until it really gets cold. It smells so good out there.

last rosesI have one new rose bush I put in pretty late into the season. I was not sure if it was going to take. But it presented me with two late blooming roses. I anguished on whether to cut them but I did and brought them in to my writing spot. They have steady opened and giving me great joy. Their color is amazing. They are helping as I transition in to the cold months.

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The Road to acceptance.

I have been doing a series of guided meditations. I try to do one or two a day. I have ones I particularly like from Deepak Chopra. I love his voice. My two favorites are the one he does with nature sounds and the other one is “the Real You.” The principal of the meditation is for you to quiet your mind, go to your heart center and ask, “who am I” and “what do I want?” I work with this one the most because those questions have been plaguing me for a while. I am not a person who does well with an aimless life. I need direction and I need guidance and support. Some have told me that goals are not something that you should strive for. I have decided for me, it is something I need.
In the process of my path, I have discovered something and this is the first time I have said this with such conviction. It’s my path. If there are things I need to have on it, in it or for it, then I need to honor those needs. This sounds simple enough, but it is a declaration that I would not have been able to say a year ago. The progress here is that I am not listening and building my life so much on what others say to me. I used to take everything in as gospel and live according to what others have dictated to me. “Do this, do that…” Even though well intended in some cases, it is my decision and my right to request what I need. Even writing this to me still sounds selfish and arrogant, but I know it is really the healthiest way to be. It is the early steps from the rabbit hole that I am taking. I am listening to the inner voice that comes from within and without. I have always had the voice, just did not hear it amongst the racket in my head. We all have that voice. We all have the ability to choose and follow our hearts on our own very uniquely defined path. We do not define it, but it is all there waiting for us to discover.
The first hurdle, and I am kind of straddling the pole on this, is to be able not to CARE what others say. Let me explain. I am still struggling with acceptance. The difference is that I know I am struggling with it, but it is OK. I will prevail on overcoming my lack of self- acceptance and just by writing that shows progress. I accept that this is a battle for me. But it is becoming a smaller hill. I had huge issues with feeling like I am an outsider. The truth is: I am. Big words, “I am.” That is a whole other post. I struggled with it for a very long time and you might think I would have issues with failure. But that was not the case as much as success. But my success is not your success. I own my success and it probably will not look like yours in anyway. BUT THAT”S OK. That is acceptance. There are many things about me that is different from others and that’s ok. “I am.” This is the acceptance piece and it really rang true for me this weekend.
I am in the process of learning Spiritual Healing Touch Therapy. It was something that was recommended by a friend and guide. My first session was last spring. This weekend was another class in the series of five. This only gets you a practitioner’s level and to become certified is a few more advanced level classes. I have no clue what I am going to do with it. I was very worried about that. First off, truth was I was not sure I would be able to do and learn the program. Well I can and I am actually very good at it. My ability to sense and map is pretty good and my results in practice have been worthy. (good word for me to use) At the end of the last day, the instructor played this song about figuring out things like “Why am I here and what am I doing and why are we called?” I realized that many of my classmates are struggling with this issue. Some are clinicians with other modalities and will naturally work it into their practice. But most are not clinicians who were drawn to this program. So? So it is all fine. In this instance, I figured out that this is something I was led to for a reason not clear to me right now. I am not completely fine with it but I am willing to go with the flow because it seems the right thing to do. The only harm would be is the cost of taking the classes, which are not cheap. I feel fabulous after the classes and that is a huge plus. For now, it is one of the things I am just going to accept and go with. All the impediments for taking this class always resolve for me in a most pleasant way. This to me is a big indicator that I have to trust this process.
I realized this weekend it was not critical for me to be accepted by any of the girls. I work with some of them monthly when we go to our Light Circle. Two sessions ago, I felt snubbed by them and it tormented me. This weekend, I realized I actually do not fit in with them and it is ok. Releasing that need made the weekend very pleasant. I spent time during breaks by myself sometimes just to be quiet and regroup and when I wanted to, I joined the gang. It was very nice. The decision was mine and I owned it. I do not have much in common with any of the ladies outside of this work. They do not know me, and I realized this weekend, I did not care if they did. My connection is to the coordinator and she knows my story pretty well because I see her for private sessions. But they are all very lovely women and the connection in learning this therapy is enough of a connection. This time the instructor who comes from Tennessee was very attentive to me. When she was here for the spring class, she was a bit standoffish. To me, her acceptance was more important than the girls accepting me. There were moments of connection with her that were very powerful. She is a wonderful teacher and a powerful healer. Her humor though is classic Appalachian and wonderful. She was talking about ‘earls’ (oils) and how they are distilled and she went off on talking about the copper stills back home. Some of the girls were clueless.
I have to close this up and get ready for work. This is something I will be writing a great deal about. This is a new level for me, to accept my differences, my needs and wants, and to work towards a healthy self-acceptance. I know that I will not grow if I keep looking outside for acceptance when the inner me does not accept me. It just won’t work. I am sure in this process I will need to learn to draw a line and teach myself the difference between acceptance and arrogance. I loathe arrogant people so much that I have worked myself to the opposite end of the pole in order to not be like that. I will write about this concept more as it was a lunch discussion with my friend who leads the group and a couple of us. It is a concept we all struggle with. Funny how hard it is for women who truly only want to do such good for the world have to defend and work for that goal. Namaste.

Autumn views

fall chair in gardenAutumn is upon us. My garden chair will soon be put away for the year. I have enjoyed so many hours sitting surrounded in the beauty of the plants and animals that are in the garden. It truly is my sacred space and I will miss it. But I know to find in it my head, along with The River.

The once lush green grass is now a carpet of gold and crimson leaves.

leaves The light shifts earlier to the soft glow of evening. I have over thirty solar lights and strings of Christmas lights in the garden.

Lights on in the graden

Garden angel  There are a few blooms left. The trees in my neighbors’ yards provide the view with golden colors as the trees prepare to sleep.tree 1

viewAll images jdemeis@2013

“Be gentle with yourself”

Today was a weird day. After last week, it was a pleasant reprieve. I will take weird over nasty any day. It was a day of talking and healing from some of the injuries that occurred last week. Even though I felt like crap all day, people reached out to me to talk over their troubles. I enjoy that very much. There is a real honor when people tell you their issues. It is more than just venting, although that can happen. The conversations I had today were people who just needed to be validated and given a verbal hug. I do not resolve their problems, nor do I take them on. I just listen. I often share an anecdotal story if it relates. But often, they just want someone else to say they are doing OK. I also mended a misunderstanding from last week. And by talking I was able to really see what happened which was not really what I thought it was. I am the first to admit, I react poorly to harshness and snideness (this is a Jane word but you can use it). But I am learning to not take everything so personally. It is very hard work for me.

I had a strange weekend. It was not bad, just weird. There was a lot going on and I was pulled into many directions. My house wanted me to clean and sort through the piles. The garden beckoned to have the leaves cleaned up. The house needed its fall decorations. My closets begged to have the summer clothes switched out for sweaters and turtlenecks. The laundry hung limp out of the washer waiting for the machine to begin. The boxes of sorted goods were perched by the door to go to the volunteer store to be resold. The dishes in the sink were reminiscent of a quick breakfast. In a corner of the couch sat my recorder and the music patiently waiting for me to practice. A new DVD on Tai Chi sat next to it wondering if would ever get the chance to show me its wonders. Everything beckoned.

In the morning, I had a wonderful session with my mentor who is such a blessing to me. We talked for hours and she worked with me on a new process of releasing. I am not going to share more than that until I see how it integrates with me. But she told me to be “gentle with myself”. The rest of the weekend offered a weak promise of maybe a spare moment to do just that. I decided I was going to make time.

In a perfect world, being gentle with myself would be to go to The River’s edge and sit on my private piece of dock surrounded with geese and ducks. Charlene would be close as would Broken Wing and Flower. The air would be warm as the sun dabbled and sparkled on the water. Above would be the aimless gliding of Osprey reminding me that my guides are always with me. I can get to that place in my head if I am still. I can get there if I have time to just be.

But I also have my garden chair. So I retreated there and sat comforted in the rays of the sun as it pierced through the golden canopy above my head. The chipmunks scampered. The leaves make them sound so much bigger than they are. A slow squirrel caught Bishop’s eye and he took off after it. The squirrel ended up in a shrub just out of the reach of his grasp. Bishop was so proud of himself for treeing the animal he barked with great joy whirling around. His woof said, “Look Mom what I did.” I did not have the heart to tell him the squirrel ran down the other side when he was dancing. Although the garden is wilted, the roses I planted have a few blooms on them. There is beauty and peace in the golden carpet now covering the grass.

This is being gentle with myself. It was short lived. Real life called and there is only one person who can answer that. In between chores, I would find a moment to read other blogs only to see so many had a tough week last week. My mentor and I talked about it as even the most trained and balanced had a tough time. My attempts in trying to find more time to be gentle with myself never happened again.

As the weekend came to end, my weariness hit me. I was not tired from chores. It was a deep weariness of being depleted. It was the fatigue of someone who has been in a struggle, even if it was a futile fight. I retreated to my bed and allowed the river of bent up tears flow. As my mentor said, tears are a river of my own making and as cleansing and healing as THE RIVER. I fell asleep and awoke at 3am. There were so many thoughts swirling. I often now try not to let that happen. I calm myself down with breathing and other techniques I have learned. But there was a need to sort out thoughts so I let them play out. At 4:30 I got up and began my day.

One of the thoughts that was prevalent was the need to put myself first more often. I have never done that, and hence I get to the point where I have so little left to give that I am brittle. This is going to take some work. And the ones who are used to getting so much from me are not going to like it. I was raised that women serve men but this girley has never succumbed to that train of thought. But in hindsight, I often serve everyone else except myself and after a while the fuel is gone. I do not know how long I have left in my life but I am going to come first more often.

So how did Project Jane go today?…not so good at first. I think I have run myself down so much that I made myself sick. I felt physically awful today with an upset gut and headache. I was feeling so poorly I did not go to my Tai Chi class. What I needed was exactly what I did. I need some me time. Writing is me time. Listening to my music is me time. After I publish this, I will do a guided meditation and go to bed. All me time. For people like me, we need to teach ourselves that if we do not give to ourselves and do for ourselves, no one else will. It is what all we deserve. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. Tomorrow, Project Jane continues.

Sunday Confessions

Some of you who follow my blog know that there has been a lot going on with me, physically and mentally. I am not sure as I type this is if am going to publish it or not. This is going to be pretty close to my heart, but there is something inside me saying I need to write. It is an amazing process, writing. I often wonder who reads this stuff. I know there is the faithful circle of fellow bloggers. I know they read this because they consistently comment and hit like. But there is a group of people who I asked or they asked to read the blog. Some are very close friends. I do not talk about my writing in person. I am not sure why other than the writing is pretty exposed. It is safe to read things I write but it is pretty difficult to talk about them. I guess it is like looking at someone without them knowing you are looking. How do I know they read the blog? Because often a comment will come up in a face to face conversation, and the only way they know about stuff is from the blog. When I write, it is for no other reason than to get things off my mind. My ability to clearly articulate things that affect me deeply does not work with my mouth. Again, those who know me know my language as “Janese” : A system of words that often are a combination of words or just totally made up. But I use them with such conviction that people struggle with the realization that they truly are not a real word. Except my one dear friend who nails me every time. “That’s not a word,” she says.
But the other reason I write is because I am a teacher. I want people to maybe get something from my blog. When I started all this seeking and work, I had nowhere to turn, I thought and it was pretty scary. Writing saved me, even when it was just to one person. Finding the blogging world was the key to my continuation with this process. This blog fellowship is something I cherish. It means the world to me to read about people I have grown to admire share their trials and tribulations and the successes and fun. I love when they respond with support and love back. I am grateful beyond words. I continue to write to my guides when I am struggling with something so deep and personal that I do not feel I can share it with the world. I just went through something that produced some pretty painful and wretched feelings and I wrote copious amount of tear filled writing. Often my vents were directed improperly, BUT I felt safe enough to express my feelings. In hindsight, they were not directly at the person, but at the experience and I have to apologize for being harsh. Frustration to me really chokes my ability to see clearly.
After hours of writing and venting, the veil lifted and I could see where I was going. This process of awareness this time took weeks to come to fruition. I am not complete by any means, just aware. It started with just a sensation and then I had vibrations. The final manifestation is the most amazing to me, I hurt. I woke up on Friday morning and was in very deep and bad pain. I wrote about it. My reason for writing was not to garner sympathy. I was looking for coping methods that others use. I received an outpouring of love and compassion. I was honored but felt guilty. My goal was not to whine and whimper, but to educate people on the disease. I still believe with a lot of hope that there is a cure for it and it resides in my head. This is why I work so hard on all this. I have a choice and I am taking mental over chemical. I still think there is the possibility I can get rid of it if I deal with STUFF. I think that is why I get so upset when I take a shot because it reminds me I am not getting rid of STUFF fast enough.
It may not seem like I am getting to my point but I am. I am doing something I do often when I write, I am veering. It is like going off on a tangent when I let my mind wander. I am just taking you along. Friday I took my shot and went to work. The pain had been with me all day especially taking up residence in both of my feet and ankles. Friday afternoons, I rush home to get comfortable because for part of the evening, I sit and talk with MarDrag. Some of you know her as she is part of my blog group. She is working with me to connect pieces of the mind, body and spirit. If you are looking for a great spiritual therapist, I highly recommend her.
We were talking about the seminar I had gone to among many other things. I kept feeling like something was really bothering me and yet I did not know what it was. As she talked, she said something and it was like an arrow to my heart. The thing is, it was not what she said as much as it was my interpretation… but in truth, it was totally the thing I needed to fire the half cocked trigger I have been living with. This has been brewing for a very long time, like most of my life.
My stomach lurched and I tried to continue with our conversation. We were talking about boundaries and protection in regards to our souls. We talked about protecting oneself when doing healing touch. In my gut and what came out of my mouth was this feeling of pure innocence. Why, if we are working with the spirit to do the healing do you need to protect yourself? I could not get it across that if the healer is totally letting the healing come from without and through the healer to the patient, why do you need protection? We got into this discussion of purity and although I argued for not needing protection, I knew she was right. But this, however, was not what set me off.
What set me off was something she had said earlier. She told me I need to stop trying so hard. I cannot explain in a short post why this comment, said with love and in guidance, totally through me in to a place of intense anger. Well, some of you will understand it. It goes along with being told to “just be.” But that was the catalyst for a really rotten series of crying bouts and writing. I ripped open a place that a thought was done healing and it retrospective some of it is. But there was something in my past writing that I did not deal with.
Let me explain this as best as I can. I wrote almost a year ago about something that was pretty traumatic in my life. Through my work with John and writing, it brought about a lot of healing. When I was writing this weekend, I went back to the older writing in order to share why things were what they were to MarDrag. I did not want to go through the whole mess as it is done and I have moved on. But, I was directed in my head to find it and share it. When I reread it, although I could feel the pain from the writing, the actual event no longer had me in its clutches. But what I had written a year ago in the beginning of the story was what I was supposed to face. This is what I said: I am going to work into this a bit slow and get some angry feelings off my chest first. But I am going to start with the word that makes me cry every time I write it and for that fact think about it: Innocence. I am choking back the tears right now. Why do people hurt other people….I do not mean just physically? This is what I have been holding on to for my whole life. Why do people hurt other people? It is the crux of every difficulty I have had. It is my trusting and open approach to a relationship with the inevitable hurt that happens when the person does something. It is my sadness and pain when I see conflict and harm being done to the undeserving. It is my frustration with cruel people with self-inflated egos. It is the lack of patience I have in general with things being the way they are.
I am a true innocent in a world of predators. I cannot continue like this and survive. And so I am angry. I prefer my world, but I want to survive. A couple of times in my past when this feeling had manifested in my life, I had an appreciation for why people check out, whether mentally or by self-inflicted death. I used to self-medicate to ease the pain starting at the age of 15. Now, I do not use drugs or booze at all. And this is still very painful for me, no doubt about it. I never had a handle on the essence of why I felt like I did, but now I do. I get it completely. I am angry because the world does not play by my rules. It is not going to change. I can choose to change, I just do not know how. Talk about being vulnerable.
I know this is the next step but before I take it, there is going to be some anger and disappointment that I have to work through. I see my way as the right way. And before you dismiss what I have to say for being egotistical, let me explain my way. I think we should approach our relationships with everything and everyone with love and respect. That is it in a nut shell. I do not think anyone has the right to hurt others, especially for self-gratification. I hate lies. I do not like killing, and I know that is totally unrealistic. But since I am exposing myself here….. I hate hunting, I hate seeing road kill, I can even go so far as saying harvesting living plants bugs me. And so you can see I am a total nut job, I cry when people cut down trees. I loathe the sound of a chain saw. Although I love the colors of fall, and October used to be my favorite month, I hate to see the plants in my garden die. One year I brought in the house as many of the impatiens as I could to keep them going through the winter. This summer, they all had blight and I don’t have one left. When I see cruelty and destruction, it isn’t just a sad feeling, oh no…. it is in deep in my gut. I physically feel ill. This is a whole other discussion for another time.
I feel like I have popped out of another rabbit hole again. I am disoriented and I am not sure what is going to happen next. I will share that there is a sense of peace buried in the turmoil and I know that sounds weird. I call it my compass. It tells me I am on the right path. But I know there are some big hills coming up. AGAIN. When MarDrag said to stop trying so hard, I took it as a failure on my behalf. What I think she was saying is if I just let things come to me, I will get the answers I need. This was what happened. This is a process I need to learn to trust. oh, boy, Trust is not something I do well. I either trust the wrong people and I do not trust myself. And that’s because no one plays by my rules.