In honor of John

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Two years ago I walked in to a physical therapist’s office not knowing at all what I was facing. I think back to that time in my life and it is hard to remember the fear and pain I was in all the time. It was so pervasive that I was unable to even sense how deep it was. I just lived with it. I did not know what flight, fight or freeze was and how the limbic system worked. I did not understand much of anything that was going to be presented to me in the following years. I had expectations of walking into his office and he would look at me, give me ten exercises and tell me to be on my way. “See ya next week.” I was so wrong.

Every week I would show up and like a terrified animal, I would wrap myself up as tight as I could get and almost cringe as I walked into the office or into his treatment room. I hated that yellow room. It scared me. But the daemons were all of my own making. It took months before he could even touch me to help me. Looking back it is hard to remember what it felt to be that scared all the time. It is hard to remember how hypervigilant I was all the time. I was a terrified human being whose bruises were apparent to everyone. I felt disconnected to everyone and everything. No one knows how really bad it was except John, who stood at the edge of the rabbit hole and extended his hand. It was his pulling me up to the next level that allowed me to fight for myself and ask for more help. His investment in me gave me strength and hope, something no one else had ever done for me.

Something amazing happened. I began to trust him. It was his faith in me and the courage he gave me that allowed this healing to occur. I asked to heal and I made a commitment to work on healing. My wounds were very big, some so deep that I did not even know all the pieces. Together we would eradicate the fear as they surfaced and together we would face them. I spent hours writing and sending him my thoughts; pages and pages of it. He patiently would respond with encouragement and hope. It was his hope, his light that gave me the strength to continue.

And I did continue. I found other guides who joined my crusade to aide me. I would crash and burn continually. I literally fell on my face once, but I spent hours doing face plants in a metaphorical sense. I think back and I wonder why would anyone go through something like this? Well, like the chicken, I wanted to get to the other side. We even would fight as I thought I wanted something I felt he was not providing. He was wise and knew in time I would get what I needed. Like a young child, he nurtured me and showed me that my impatience was not a bad thing but I needed to learn to trust. I still struggle with this but I am so much better.

My wheel has turned and I continue to grow. I have been blessed with a new teacher who I connected with a year ago. She has taken me places I never would have dreamed of before I walked into that small office two years ago. I write this in an effort to encourage others who are as afraid as I was to seek help and support. I am hoping someday I will pay back all that I have received by helping others find the strength to heal. I will never have the words to express the extent of my gratitude for all those who have helped me.

Tomorrow is my last scheduled visit with John. It is bittersweet because he has been such a huge part of my life. But because of his work with me, I know it is time to move on. I am hoping he will let me see him periodically.

Mr. Borden, know this: I will love you eternally. My gratitude will be demonstrated by continuing to work and grow and not falter on this quest. I know I was a challenging windmill, sir. Never doubt your power and magic as you do possess these things. My light burns bright because of your light. It will be with me always. Thank you.



Four footed destressors

Yours better
After a peaceful night of sleep, I woke up with four marble eyeballs staring at me. I felt the presence of little snouts sniffing frantically at me in hopes to procure my awareness. As I slowly opened my eyes, the noses turned to little tongues offering doggie kisses. All the troubles of the week vanished. When the little ones finally knew they had gotten me up, they leaped and twirled in their success and off we went to the yard.
It was like a spring morning. The trees were filled with little birds chipping and squawking. I am not sure what they all were but there was an abundance of chickadees. The sun was cresting over the neighbor’s house and the rays streamed upward in the still misty air.
Like little cannons had been fired, the mighty hooves of little dog’s feet sailed through the air and landed out into the yard once freed from the confines of the house. There was no stopping the race to end of the yard and the offering of newly dropped scat from the squirrels and chipmunks. The noses again were in full operation and I could see the bellows of their bodies working as they scanned and spun and made no scent go unnoticed. Then as if a gun had been fired, they shot around the yard in wild abandonment. You could see the joy as the furry blur passed by.
When I first got them, their nervousness was demonstrated with rough housing and running around the house. They have calmed down so much because they know they can run free when outside. This is a form of doggie stress discharge, much like what humans feel after strenuous exercise. I wish I had the ability to do something like this but that is not happening. Just watching them race around is a reward. At night I attached these one inch balls that have red or blue led lights in them. As they race around the yard, it looks light a laser light show. I can only imagine what it looks like from the road through the slat fence.
This morning was so warm, I sat in my chair I have left on the deck and listened to the birds. The running around ended much faster and they decided to discover all the smells in the yard. There are many and they are ever changing. We have a large bunny that visits but I am not sure if she is still coming as I have blocked her holes where she popped through the fence. If she can get through, so can the kids. But the squirrels have not met the “Brownynator”. I have a feeling he is going to give them a run. There was a peace that enveloped me and I reminisced about the times I sat with Bishop at my feet. I will miss him forever and the garden will be different. But as my eyes started to fill with tears, I felt a little paw on my knee as to say, “Mommer, I am not Bishop, but I am with you now.” My little guy has my heart and soul already. He is learning to read my feelings. He is very smart and is learning new “tricks” like give me paw and high five. Cookie is winning her Dadder’s heart. But the Mommer is who she goes to for comfort. I am definitely Alpha.
I was so glad for the respite of the week and I am planning on spending more time with the kids in the yard. There won’t be many more days with sunshine and no snow.



To my very amazement, two people have nominated my blog for awards. I am humbled by their recognition. I never thought I would be honored in any manner when I started to write this post. I have to figure out how to put the awards on my page and do what you are supposed to do for the awards, but…alas I am struggling with how to post them correctly. How sad is that? I have a frigging Masters in Instructional Technology and this is throwing me? But I do want the people who nominated me to know how humbled I was by their gift.

I remember the day, second, and minute I hit post for the first time on this blog. I had been writing an on-going journal of sorts for about four months. I initially sat down to write to my guide and therapist and he encouraged me to write about my life. He was subjected to my very long and involved explanations of what I was sifting through on a daily basis as I was progressing through the therapy. I shared with him the pain and misery I had gone through in the years of my childhood. I had something that I had shut away for a very long time. When I was a younger woman, I had flashbacks of a horrid event and did not have all the pieces. Through my work with John, I was able to fill in the blanks so to speak and finally put it to rest. It was not a pleasant experience to relive, but the healing would never have  happen for me until I did. I spent hours writing about intimate details of things in my life that I had never shared with anyone before, let alone on paper. The graciousness of the man who received these long epistles is a gift I will forever be grateful for. It was through my writing that I found the place of healing and recovery.

Then after so many months, I knew that it was becoming a burden for him. Although he would use the stories to gage where I was in therapy, there was a lot to read. The medicine that writing provided need to have the prescription changed because I needed to not be a pain in the butt, but still needed to write. I had done a blog in college and I thought I would look into what was out there. And I found WordPress.

I still remember setting up the blog and writing the first post about stubbing my toe which was an overview of my journey in a short post. I sat there for an hour with my finger over the detonation button that would launch the post. I hit it and I have not looked back since.

This is no longer an exercise in just me writing. WordPress is a community. Somewhere along the way, I found a posting from Rising Hawk and became an immediate fan. I had brass ones and actually wrote him a personal email. He has an amazing book he wrote that took me to the next level of healing. He would respond to submissions of my work as I progressed through his book.  It was one of his exercises I did that I realized that the past was just that and I was putting it where it belonged. My circle has continued on with new healings, but I am forever in Rising Hawk’s debt for helping me with that time. I have since passed his book on to a friend who needs it. But his constant support and replies to my postings continue to be a special recognition for me. My group has grown and I will list the ones who I want to pass this award on to below.

I have other social media outlets, which in truth I do not use much. But every morning for the most part, I now start my day with a cup of coffee and my computer. Sometimes what I write has been circling in my head and comes out with great ease. Those posts I have to reread as I am only the tool who types as the words come from someplace else. Other times, I just want to write about something I am working through in my head and need my putting them on “paper” to help make it clear. The reward is the comments and feedback I get from my fellow bloggers. I do not seek others in only an attempt to build readership. So it amazes me when someone new joins and follows me. It truly is humbling.

But there are other wise and wonderful writers who consistently honor my work with either a comment or a “like”. They probably do not know how much their validation means to me or how much their wise words have done to help heal me and grow. But I look for their responses because it is one more candle lit on my path. One of those writers is Mar Drag.  Her posts circle from sublimely humorous to very deep and provocative thinking. Her responses to me are always encouraging and spot on. To have her actually nominate me for this award was staggering. I am deeply honored and grateful. I encourage my friends to check her out along with the list below.  I am passing this award on to them. There are many great sites out there but I want to honor the blogs below with this award. I am not sure if I am following protocol, but for now, this is what I got. Again, thank you  And I thank you for your nomination and I will post it as soon as I figure all of it out. That was very sweet of you.