Peaceful Garden

my chair awaitsTime to share some more views of my sanctuary of peace. Every night my chair awaits me. My faithful companion settles down and stands guard from wayward rabbits and chipmunks. He only gets annoyed by them now, but I know I am safe. We talk about our day and are glad for the peaceful moment together.

keeper of the garden

fence viewI settle back and gaze at my  view. west side of garden Blossoms bloom and fill pots.Impatientsflowers 1

 

 

 

And all is at peace as my boy finishes his last treat of the night,.cookie thoughts  Blessings!

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A piece of my heart

I find one of the hardest things to communicate is when I feel something incredibly deep.  I cannot find the way to express myself. Words cannot muster through and do the feeling justice. Sometimes it is a feeling I get when I ingest something through one of my senses. Usually it is visual, but there are sounds like music that overwhelm me. Sometimes it is the words others say to me. Sometimes it is just a feeling of a place. The River makes me feel this at times. But most often this is a  powerful feeling  I want to send to someone as a show of gratitude and love. There is a sensation I get in my center that comes flowing out and I am handicapped always at finding the words to make the complete expression. It is such an emotional response that I know the receiver, if human, is often not aware of the depth of the gift, the truth and honesty of it, or the sincerity. I would love it if I could send this and receive this with no boundaries or fear. To send the gift for what it is in its purity. It is actually a simple gift but more intense than most feelings. It is a piece of my heart.

There are beings that do this without any forethought. My dog does it every moment he is with me. He does not have to do anything, but his presence generates this connection by just being near. But he does reinforce it every time he looks at me. There is no malice or judgment and the only expectation comes when it is close to dinner or cookie time. He lays next to me in perfect harmony and I sense his total devotion. I sure hope he knows it is all reciprocal.

I have learned that in my life, giving a piece of your heart can be a messy and painful business. I know that my heart still works like that of a child. Even with all that I have experienced, there still beats this little girl’s heart who longs to love and trust everyone. I think it is sad that I have and I am learning to put up walls and dole out this in measured instances. What a place my world would be if I did not have to do this. But we are in a world that finds this to be a vulnerability or weakness. In my mind, I think of “Deatheaters” who suck the life out of you. These people are ”Heartmunchers.” In a way, it makes the gift even more genuine, if that is possible, because the person who I want to give to has earned my trust and devotion.

Like a child, I did not understand why all people are not like this. In truth, I still do not, I just do not waste time worrying about it. I am learning to not care if I do give a piece of my heart and it is squandered. I know now it is not a failure in me.  I have to understand that people do not always know the value of things in their search for it. It is so right in front of us all, but we put up rules and boundaries and stop the very thing we are seeking. I do not understand that but I play by the rules. Good girls do that.

My dream would be a place where everyone just knows that it is safe and they are loved. There are no games and hidden truths. This world would allow beings to grow and flourish without fear of reprisal and shame. Matter of fact, the word shame would not exist along with humiliation. But that is not where I live nor do I see that a possibility in my future. But it is what we strive for. How ironic.

As I traverse my real world, I want to be able let people know how I feel. I want to walk with love being the light that guides my way. But there are times when I feel such intense love that I want to somehow let people know that they have touched me so deeply and I am grateful. I have tried to capture this in words this morning and I do not think I got it. There is no measurement I can give it. There is no methodology to teach. There is no expression or sentiment that can explain it better. It is simply: I give a piece of my heart.

 

The gift

I have been spending my computer time reading a book. It was suggested and when anyone suggests a book, I go to it and read it. This one is a bit strange so far, but I am wading through as I think I will learn something. I always do. I am open by the way to any suggestions of reading material you all might recommend. This weekend I learned some real important things and I want to continue now in my learning. Here is what I learned:

One is that I am in transit, as we all are, but I made a stop for a while and now I am on the train again. The stop was necessary for me to be able to move on. As you know, my siblings got together for the first time since 1986. I have seen them separately, but this was the first time we were all under one roof. It was a big deal and I already wrote about the dinner. Saturday changed how I felt. My brother called and demanded my husband call in sick and we both come down for a prime rib dinner. He called at 10 am that morning because he had just secured a table, using all his pull and BS to get the table. Dinner was at 5pm and we live an hour and half away. He went through a big song and dance which included guilt and a bit of nastiness. It all came flooding back why this family is such a mess. The dinner had been planned without my sister and I originally included. She found out and got pissy and insisted she be invited. Out of guilt, I was being invited. I heard my father’s voice in my brother’s tone. He tried to wrangle and used every angle he could, including how exquisite the prime rib was. He knows I do not eat red meat and haven’t in 26 years. We had just talked about it on Thursday. Not once did he say I miss you and want to see you once more before I leave. It was all about his needs. I firmly said no, I was not coming. The feeling of hope for a bond and mending of the heart went right out the door. The crap was all still there. I should have known better. I have changed and I had hoped that they had too. But this was a little girl’s wish. I still have my freedom and relief from closing this chapter. I just wanted: “and they all lived happily ever after”. This was not to be but I was able to release the hold and I will explain.  I climbed back on the train with a lot less baggage.

The second big thing I learned this weekend came from MarDrag. She has been working with me and has been a big help. She told me that when you get rid of something, you need to fill up the void with something else. I have gotten rid of a lot of pain, hurt, sadness and other malaise from my childhood. I brought a lot of it back even though I thought I had dealt with it. I had on some levels, but there was some more that had to be dealt with and the face to face event was placed in my path as it was time. Without seeing the reality of these people, I think my mind would have had a hard time releasing their hold on me. But I can and have now seen the truth. The fear, anger and sadness are gone. I learned something very powerful and I will tell you in a moment.

I am still amazed by my reaction to mere threatening thoughts that manifested in pain. There was not an actual physical or biological reason; I did not fall or injure myself.  This past week proved it to me all I had learned from my AAT therapy.  I was in agony a lot of last week. My feet and legs were reacting in the same manner as I had before. I could get the pain knocked down a bit if I could sit and concentrate and self-heal. But that was not always available. Thursday morning, I could hardly walk when I first got up. The pain was bad and only really in my legs.  I was able to walk better as the day progressed. When we were driving home after the dinner, I had nothing but sore feet from wearing sandals.  My body also reacted in a way I had no real control over and I have discovered happens when I am really cranked. I gain four pounds in a week. That’s a lot and if I was a heart patient, I would be worried. But I watch for my ankles to see if they swelled and they did not. I just do not digest correctly. I was very careful what I ate all week as well. It is already starting to go away pretty fast as my body feels less threatened. As I reread this, it sounds like I am a weakling who is only complaining. It is not my intent and I share this only for those who might have a similar reaction when faced with a threatening situation and do not understand why they hurt so much. It goes away when the environment changes or my acceptance of what is happening is apparent. That is the blessing and amazing part.

But back to what I learned from MarDrag. I hope she does not mind that I am going to share the technique she taught me. She is a gifted healer and teacher and I am blessed to have her in my life. As I said before, she said when you remove something you have to replace the void. She guided me through a mediation that made me visualize a room. I was directed through her to clean the room with a broom filled with light. There are two doors in the room and a covered window. She had me sweep the room clean and out the door on the right. Then we opened the windows and let the light in. I then was directed to open the left door and have who and whatever I wanted in the room come in. This is the overview but there is one part of this that made all the difference and will continue to use this in my life.

The door on the right opened to the cosmos. In my head I saw beautiful passage to a star filled ether. It was not scary and empty, but a live and wondrous place. When I swept the grim and dirt out the door, the filth turned to sparkles and dissipated into the air. This was the magic. She said to send it out with love. Bless it and send it on its way with unconditional love. I had never thought about releasing pain and hurt with love. I never thought about that I could still love people even when they are toxic to me. Of course I can because love, real love, has no restrictions on it. I can still love my family and I needed to be able to do that. That was the missing piece. To extricate their hold and abandon them left me an orphan. But to release their control and send them on their way in love was the answer. I do love my family. I just do not love their crap. I can still see them as I need to when I want to, but it is a choice I can make without guilt. I do love really well. That sounds funny, but it is something I have never had a hard time with. I love. I do not like being hurt as that love can be used as a weapon against me. I now have the ability to send those who do not come to me in a healthy manner on their way and still love them. You would have to know me to know how hard that has been for me. I do not turn people away easily even when I know it is a toxic situation or I am being taken advantage of.   My love keeps me hoping for them to change, but I do not have that power. I cannot change anyone.  So to be able to still love people and release them is a gift I did not have in my skill set.

I spent a lot of time figuring out who I would let enter into my room. The whole experience left me exhausted as it was such a powerful technique and release. There is an inner calm I have not felt in a long time. The room is still empty for the most part as I am being cautious as to whom I let in. I sat in my garden chair off and on for the rest of the day and I realized I had not really emptied the room completely. There are still cobwebs and small piles of dirt. And that is ok as I will sweep them out as necessary. I am sure that will continue to happen. What was clear in my vision was a vine had crept in from the window which looked over a fabulous garden. As the day progressed, the vine grew and  the walls became covered with assorted pink flowers. The room was alive and growing and blossoming. It was not empty at all but a new environment was being created.

 

Family gifts

Well, it is over. The object of my pain for a while, the family reunion was last night. The sense of relief is huge. There is so much that happened and yet, so little. The thing that is fascinating to me was my physical reaction. And that it was so out of my control that it is scary and yet, now that I am aware, it is in my control or at least in my awareness bucket. That to me is powerful. Yesterday morning, when I went to get out of the bed, I could not stand up on my feet. I had charlie horses in the night and the previous night. The spider bit was flaring like someone had taken a hot poker to the toe and was shoving it in and hitting the plantar nerve. But my other foot was awful too and for no reason. It was all in my head. I was creating my own pain and even though I thought I had things under my control in my emotional state, it was festering and brewing all on its own. This all was a powerful lesson. I learned a lot about expectations, and forgiveness yesterday. And I learned about love.

I was a mess yesterday, but I went to work for the morning. I was in a state of what I call Flat. NO emotions, I had pretty much shut down everything. We left early to get to my brothers so we would not be the last ones there. We arrived five minutes before the expected time to an empty house. As we sat outside, I realized how much control this people had over me and I released it. I told my husband we would give them fifteen minutes and the leave if they were not back. They arrive within one minute of my deadline. It set the tone for me for the rest of the night.

My second oldest brother got out of the car and I felt my breath catch. He was totally white from skin to hair and was using a cane. He had lost significant weight and looked like walking death. I felt so sad for him. He is only ten years older than I am. Then my closest brother stepped out and my heart skipped again. He had not changed much at all and I would recognize him anywhere. As he approached, the sadness in his eyes met mine and my heart broke. I did not understand why he was giving off that feeling to me as he did not stop talking and smiling the whole time. We embraced and all that had been was forgiven. I did not remember until that moment that this was the sibling who was so much a part of me. Time had put a distance between us but seeing each other erased it and for the rest of the night we were next to each other…when they were there.

My oldest brother announced that the boys were going to go visit someone and they would be back and off they went. My husband and I stayed behind to help my sweet sister-in-law get dinner ready. Except it was already done so we sat and talked. It was lovely to chat and she filled us in on a lot about conversations that had occurred the night before. I was miffed when the brothers did not return for an hour and half.  And then at once, my sister and her mate arrived and the brothers returned. I had no desire to see, talk or for that fact, be near my sister, so I stayed and helped my SIL. My closest brother kept coming into the kitchen and telling me to come out and sit. But my oldest brother wanted to talk to just me and so he and my SIL went into the living room to have a talk. I was uncertain what this was all about. My brother had been the executor for my Aunt and Uncle estate and he told me about the final accounting of the estate. Then he produced a document and told me they had designated me as their executrix. I was a bit surprised. But he told me about the disappointment he had with my brothers and sister. They both had wanted their wishes to be executed without a hitch. He then said there was a significant monetary designation in there for me to do with as I chose and that they implied, wanted to go to no one else. There was nothing for any other family member and everything else was to go to charities as designated. It was something I had not expected and what they said after had nothing to do with the money but washed away all the years of feeling like I was the bottom of the pile in my family. My brother is not one for saying anything emotional and you really have to pay attention when he is giving a compliment. I cannot explain it other than it was the greatest gift I had received from anyone in the family. It was that validation I had sought when I decided to come to this reunion.

I finally went out to the circle where the other siblings were sitting and my middle brother was droning on about something. His voice crackled and had a tone of arrogance that was very repugnant to me. My closest brother was tossing in a barb in every once in a while so I stayed to listen. Finally I asked what the brothers were doing and got a synopsis of their most recent adventures. The middle brother was retiring and he spent more time talking about the success of his junior-in-age wife and what she was doing in her career. He mentioned that they might move to Florida to be with her family. He never mentioned his own sons, who both live there as does their mother. I said nothing as this was something I would never understand about him. Instead of being mad, I felt so sad that my brother had alienated his children is such a stupid manner and that he still did not realize the value of his own children and now grandchildren who he still had never seen. My closest brother spoke very little about what he was doing but admitted he was going through a divorce after a short marriage and would have to move. He spoke with such pride about his children and grandchildren and their successes. He was on his way to visit the one son and his two children after he leaves the reunion. My sister-in-law had told us the story of what had happened to his marriage and I understood the pain in his eyes. But he understood the value of his children and they had always been extremely important to his life. There was something in what he said that made me think he was contemplating moving back east to be closer to his one son and grandchildren and maybe even live in our hometown again. I would be ecstatic if that happened.  His life was a series of extremes and I think he was just tired of it and wanted stability. It was finally my turn to speak and with great pride I answered my current position and a bit about the agency. You could have heard a pin drop. I looked at my closest brother and saw the pride for me in his eyes and he then starting to talk non stop about home health care being one of the biggest growing industries.  I just smiled and went to help my SIL. It did not matter anymore.

We sat for dinner and it was my sister’s turn to tell about her world. My feelings for her had not changed and her presence only validated why I will keep it that way. The whole time my SIL and I were setting the table and preparing the food, she sat. Not a finger did she lift. She was the first one to serve herself and took the chairs that I put out for my husband and I to sit in. She started in this voice that sounded very much like Queen Elizabeth and I knew we were in for a pack of crap from her. I sat next to my closest brother and we kept smiling and looking at each other in a private joke. Our bond had not gone at all. My other siblings even commented on it. My sister started to talk about her horse. She said that the poor thing was twenty-three years old and my brother could not help himself anymore. He asked her if she had to give the horse crutches when she rode the horse. And we were off. Someone asked the name of the horse and he replied, “Alpo.” The one thing my father gave some of us was an incredible sense of humor and a gift of words. My brother excels at the one liner. I started to laugh my non-stop giggle and my next oldest brother lost it. He was laughing so hard, half at my brother’s comments and half with me at my laughter that he was crying. I released all the pain and hurt and we all laughed together for about five minutes, being stoked by my brothers one liners and his giggle, which is the male version of mine. There was not a dry eye, except my poor sister who was incensed, which only made it even funnier. I received the second gift of the night which was the bond of our humor and the love of a good joke. Growing up, a lot of humor was at the mercy of someone’s ego, or at the weakest link and often me. I was no longer the target and as bad as that sounds, it was necessary for me to realize my brothers felt the same way. I will remember forever the look of my middle brother as he looked at me in mirth and love and released his laugh. I felt he had not done that in a very long time. I do not think that any of the brothers had laughed that hard and that long in a while. It was truly a blessed moment.

The evening ended with them leaving for a concert. My husband and I had declined and we stayed to clean up. This was a gift to my sister-in-law who had felt ostracized with the brother arrival and was tired. I had whispered to her when we did a family portrait that she was more a sister to me than the birth one. She needed to hear that and I meant it. As we headed home, I filled my husband in with only the history he needed to know, I realized that I finally closed a chapter of my life. I felt that if I physically could, I would go home and dance in the garden with the abandonment of a young child. It was the little girl that got lost a long time ago and she was finally free. Instead I sat in my garden chair and gave thanks, and fell asleep in painless peace.

 

Spirit Images

Yesterday, Rising Hawk started a blog interaction about what his real physical image looks like verses what image is portrayed by his words. It was an interesting exercise. I posted an email directly to him as I often see him when I read his work. I see images of all the authors I follow. He replied that I described very accurately his spirit persona. Of course it was that image I see. That is who writes his blog. Spirit is who writes all the amazing blogs I read. I wish I could spend the day on my computer and read through every great blog on the site. I do enjoy every day going through the ones I constantly read. To me it is visiting friends, spending a day in class learning and growing with every stanza, picture and tale. I think what is shared in these blogs is more connecting and inspiring than going to church. They are a direct view into the souls of some pretty amazing people. What a blessing this place is.

I also have other social media accounts and thought about what they offer. I keep a LinkedIn account for professional use and that one even gets hits from people I do not know nor would want to. Facebook seems to be used by many as a place to air their vendettas or complain about the same thing all the time. I think I have become a social media snob. I do like the humor and videos and I like that I can connect with far away friends. But it is not the same as visiting with the authors I visit here. I see more than the words when I read. I visit with their souls.

Rising Hawk’s post got me thinking about what my spirit image looks like. Who is the me I am in spirit?  I know I am a work in progress and have so much to learn. But after the post last night, I really struggled to figure out my spirit. What was the sense I have about what is inside, really deep? What is it that people sense about me? Who is the Light being that I am? The answer was not there.

GlowingAngel

Views from the River

old boat Tall ship leaving port.

I thought I would take you to my favorite place in the world and share some views from the 1000 Islands.

geese The serenity of the place is the best medicine in the world. I am more at peace here than anywhere.

homecoming It is coming home to me.

Osprey nest I feel safe and protected.Charlene and tree I am grounded.take off 2 The air fills me with strength and joysetting sun and there is quiet.sunset The Devine is everywhere.room with a view  I am whole.

Garden Views in July

garden

Garden view west side

I thought I would share some photos this morning of my garden. I spent the day yesterday weeding and working on the beds. It was exactly what I needed, to spend the day surrounded by plants and flowers and sunshine. I did something yesterday that I have not been able to do because of the arthritis: I sat on the ground. And got up off the ground. Not once, but several times through the afternoon. Now this may not seem like much to some, but anyone who has arthritis knows this is a big deal. Granted, I am paying for it this morning. I went into my calendar and looked up and was thrilled to see I have not had a shot of Enbrel for over two months. This is a big deal. The fact that I am able to do what I did yesterday, and get off that poison is huge for me.

garden view

Heron garden

 This is one of the beds in the garden and one of the many herons I have.

I am celebrating small victories today. Someone asked me this question this weekend: How long have I been on this journey? It is less than a year ago that I started working with John.

My first blog was in February. I started working with Rising Hawk in April. My first classes in Healing Touch was the first week in June. I just started Reiki this month.

garden view

Corner angel in garden

And I really only started to see what I really needed to see since early May.  I am amazed at the knowledge I have acquired in such a short amount of time. It seems like it has been a lifetime to me. But in reality, it is but a blink. Last night as I sat and enjoyed the fruit of my labor, I felt like I was in a dream and that all I had experienced was nothing more than that, a dream. All the pain, all the good and the bad were nothing more than a dream.  It was very weird feeling, but also liberating. I realized that in fact because it was a dream, the bad stuff cannot harm me. It is just an experience that is only a segment of the dream. I just need to wait for the dream to shift to the good stuff because it always does if you dream it.

I am honoring all those who have supported me on my journey. I honor those who have joined me on my path. I thank all who read my blog and write encouraging words and send me hope. And I am grateful for this journey.

All photos by JDeMeis @2013

Circles and Messages

Flying heron

Heron on the River. photo by JDeMeis 2013

   Life is a circle and it evolves in an expanding motion with new circles forming when it is time and if we allow it.  Everything we experience is on our circle and spins with us as long as we need it. Those who travel with us include teachers, guides, friends, co-workers, family and spouses. And then we move on to the next expanded circle which may have some attachment from the previous circle, sometimes with and sometimes without those who were on the previous circle. But there are moments when the circles connect and it may bring memories and past feelings only for a moment and then the circle evolves on its own to the next circle. This is what I have been taught and I know.

We are totally in control of how long we stay in each circle. We can stay where we are and continuously circle in the same pattern for life. That to me is not something I want. What makes a circle change and expand is knowledge. Sometimes we do not like what we learn or experience at first and it throws the circle out of whack. I think that is the feeling I described previously like a washing machine out of balance on the spin cycle. But the information is present for a reason. We can decide to absorb it, use it to grow and change…or not. We have free will. We receive this information through messages.

The ability to see and hear messages is a skill that has to be acquired. I am new to receiving messages and it still blows me away. Let me explain, I am not talking about phone calls or direct communication. Messages come from unknown resources and in unexpected places. You have to be ready and willing to receive them. It is not that the sending of messages is new to me, they were always incoming. What is new is being ready to receive them and interpret the meaning. I still look to guides who have more wisdom than I to help with the interpretation when I am confused. Sometimes I get it immediately.

I have learned a very important step in getting messages: You have to ask. And you have to ask in a clear and precise manner. You cannot just say I want to feel better. You have to say how and where and when. It is a skill they teach new teachers when they have to learn to write directions for learning. If you are not clear on what you are asking, how will you know when you receive the answer?

I have been receiving replies in many manners to many questions asked. For example, I asked guidance in my relationships with many people as this is an area I have many issues. I asked for guidance and I received the answer not only from the Creator, but from other guides and messengers. They intuitively knew what I needed. The messages were not what I wanted to hear and I knew I was going to have difficulty in changing my ways, but I did. I like to fix things and people and I in reality I cannot. My actually desire to fix was hindering the growth of the people that I was trying to help. As someone who is learning to become a healer, you have to learn when to stay out and let the person heal from within. My circle has continued on with the knowledge that it is ok to not fix and it is ok when the relationships change because of that.

I also wrote about the upcoming situation with a family reunion and the angst it was creating in me. I received messages again and some were painful to admit in their truth. But the reality, I was causing all the pain because I was experiencing the feelings from a past circle. The only person who was making me feel bad was me. I had to release that circle and the control it had and I have. These people are not of my current circle, and I do not think they will ever be again. But I want to honor myself and the changes I have made, so I will attend the reunion for a very short visit and then continue on my way. I am curious to see what everyone looks like, especially one brother I have not seen in twenty years.

My favorite animal totem has been for years the blue heron. I fell in love and connected with them when my husband and I first started going to the River years ago. My love for them has only increased. I have a ton of pictures of them. I have statues and art adorning my house and garden and charms of the bird that I wear. I see them when I head towards the lake when I go to work as there is a nesting spot I drive by. I never see them at my house because the only water nearby is the canal. I never knew what the spirit message was until this weekend when I looked it up. I have attached two explanations of their meaning in this post.

The best message I received was the other night. The wind was whipping up a storm and I was directed to sit out in my chair. With all that has been going on I was feeling disconnected. My usual evening prayer and meditation had not been as comforting as it usually is. This was very early for me to sit out, but I was meant to. As I was looking at the trees bending in the wind, I saw movement in the air coming from behind my head. I turned and focused on the object in totally disbelief. It was a blue heron. She flew in slow motion across my vision path. I have lived in this house for eleven summers and have never seen a blue heron in the sky. And looking towards the sky is something I have instinctively done my whole life. She sailed slowly by as if to make sure I saw her. As she disappeared behind the tall trees and out of my vision I burst into tears. The sense of relief was so strong it overpowered me. I knew my circle would soon balance again and it has. It has expanded to include new guides and new learning. It is structured with growth and possibilities and I am feeling my Light beginning to shine brightly again.

For those of you who circle with me, I honor you and I am grateful for all you have brought me.

 

Heron and Egret has a   strong connection to the element of Earth
and you must also be aware and cultivate this connection.
The Mother Earth is a source of strength
and will help you stand strong and firm.

Heron medicine allows you   to perform many tasks at the same time,
keeping all in balance.
If one way doesn’t work, then another way will.
Heron and Egret people seem to instinctively know this.

Heron people do not need a   lot of people in their life
and they are often follow non-traditional roles.
They feel no need to “keep up with the Jones.”
They stand out in their uniqueness
and know how to take advantage of things
and events that most people wouldn’t bother with.

You know what is best for   you and you should follow that path.
Be aggressive when opportunities present themselves —
don’t let them get away from you.

http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/heron.htm

As an animal spirit guide, the   blue heron serves to support your inner desire to awaken your soul.   Inherently, you may feel what is the right path for yourself, but in physical   reality, you may face difficulties and judgments from those who disapprove of   your choices.

The blue heron can guide your   direction and help you assert yourself in spite of discouragement from   others. When your soul is aligned with your mission and life purpose, your   journey is illuminated, usually one step at a time. The blue heron animal   guide can help you gain independence, self-reliance, and dignity.

http://suite101.com/article/descriptions-of-5-types-of-bird-spirit-guides-a133928

 

 

Dare change

Sometimes I need to get really knocked about to get the big picture of things in my head. Yesterday I wrote about an upcoming family reunion and the angst it is causing in my life. I discovered a few things about this whole situation. It is a powerful life lesson and the next step on my path…. A big next step.
Without a lot of explanation, I am not what I would call a person with outward bravado. That is to say, I do not demonstrate strong tendencies to be a fighter. I am not one who likes or enjoys conflict. Love debates, but not fighting. That is a dichotomy I know. Some would think it makes me weak. Some people take my lack of stepping into the fray as being a weakness. In the past, I would back off. Very true. Then I would get mad at myself for the failure. But the failure was not in me, and this is what I have begun to realize. Believe me, this is very powerful stuff.
As a little girl, I would be over powered by a family all older than I. Power struggles and fighting was the order of the day. I was never anything more than the little girl in the pink dress with curly red hair. I grew up thinking that was my place, at the bottom of the heap. I abhorred the fighting and violence that was in my home. I realize now that I was a target, only because of my place in the pecking order. Shit flows down. There was not failure on anyone except my parents for allowing this environment to thrive. It was a survival technique I had to employ. Unfortunately, I never learned how to really fight. I also never learned to protect myself from predators.
But moving on in my journey, I will learn this. Being aware is the first step. I accept that I need to learn this and I am a willing student. First thing is to stop beating myself up. Second is to stop reacting physically to things out of my control. And third thing is to be ready to learn, really learn that I will have the ability to protect myself and I am more than worth it. The last part of that sentence is the most important. I am worthy.
Two big things happened last night after a very interesting week. Ok three. One was a visit to my Reiki teacher as a patient/student. She opened me to some thinking I had not been able to do prior. She explained to me something about spirits and it was not actually something I had expected. I got home and was goofing around on my computer and I was led to this video which is at the end of this post. Please watch it as is exactly how I feel. I could not have said it better. Before all the storms hit, I went to my garden chair to do some thinking and meditating. I was not going to, as it is usually the last thing I do at night, but the storms were coming and I knew I would not be able. I really hesitated and then felt the need to sit down and just chill. I was just starting to do my breathing and the wind was really picking up. I looked up and saw the leaves blowing off the trees. Out of the left back corner of my eye something appeared. This is my soft spot for cues and it is hard to explain that but some of you get it. What appeared was a blue heron. I will write about that in my next blog. All are very strong messages which was absolutely what I needed.

Self-gutting

There is a lot going on in my life right now. I am embroiled in a huge test of how well I am handling “things” and it quick review I would say “not so well.” I thought it might get to me, and it is. I am fighting the physical reaction which is manifesting in my usual manner. My legs are locking down and hurting in various places. The symbolism does not escape me. It is the reaction I have had for a very long time but did not understand why. Understanding helps me to deal with it. Knowing how to knock the pain down certainly helps. I have been able to control the normal reaction of Charlie Horses at night and the pain is more of a nuisance.
When someone is traumatized, there is always the possibility of a reoccurring reaction to certain cues. I know some of my friends get this. An incoming cue, which can be anything, triggers the mind and the body reacts with fight, flight or freeze. This cue is first experienced during a traumatic situation. You may be aware of it or not. I have been educated on how to be aware of my triggers and stop my freeze reaction. My freeze reaction includes intense pain and cramps in my body but especially in my legs. I also have digestive issues which compounds things. The overall reaction brings on angst and often depression. It has been a lot of work to learn to recognize the symptoms before they get control. I have been slowly improving my mobility issues and other reactions.
As I said, I am not doing so good right now because of the intensity of what I am facing. I have a lot of wonderful people who are helping me through this. I still hate and probably will always hate, how this makes me feel weak and powerless. The exposure is totally belly up. I am grateful for those who have and will be guiding me through. It explains why there was such a sense of relief that I will be still working with my first guide and teacher. I am not “done” in any manner.
So what am I facing? My family. My whole friggin family. Next Thursday, my oldest brother is hosting a family reunion. This will be the second time ever since my Mom died in 1979. The last time we got together was 1986. (And that reunion was horrendous for me). My brothers did not come out for my father’s funeral. Get the picture of the family dynamics here? It is dysfunctional at best. My two brothers are coming, both from out West. I am not going into why my reaction is so horrific and let it suffice with; it is. There are very specific reasons why it is. In a gentle answer, I have not seen my one brother in ten years. My other brother I have not seen in over twenty. And my sister; I have been avoiding her for eleven years at all cost as she lives here. We visit with my older brother and his wife often as he lives close and I love them both. It is for them also, that we are going. If I was reading this, I would tell me do not go and be done with it. I thought about it, but the guilt of not going would manifest for a very long time. This is possibly the last time I might ever see them alive. I also think that this is a test for me, a mountain to climb and get over. The climb up is hard and jagged so far.
Just writing about this is causing my legs and stomach to cramp. So I am stopping. Sorry for the whining, but I did not write yesterday and I am not sure how much I will write for the rest of the week. This is my place to journal out my ideas and thoughts. This, however, is a deep wound and I not sure I want to eviscerate myself that much.