Today I learned a valuable lesson. It had been coming for a while. I am going to share some of it because I am pretty sure this is what I am supposed to do. The day started off quiet and peaceful. I had an appointment at 10 am which I was looking forward to. My husband was asleep. I was quietly going through the 485 emails that had piled up during the week.
I also check on the weekends to see how my bank accounts look. I got into Joe’s just fine but I could not get into mine. The system wanted to verify it was me with a phone call. I did not want to wake up Joe so I said I would check later. I thought it was very strange and had me a bit upset. Yesterday, I came went to use my computer and the screen was blank…not black, blank. It had crashed and I thought holy smokes, but I got it up after a complete reboot. It has never done that before. So when the bank thing happened, I was already on alert.
Joe got up and was sitting on his computer as I was getting ready to go make my call. He stops me and announces that his credit score was ***. I stopped to look over his shoulder and said how did he know that? He said he had filled out something on-line…..My heart stopped completely. I said, “WHAT? Did you give them a social security number?” He said yes. The next thing I knew I was screaming at him all sorts of things. I do not even remember what I said but it was horrible and vile. I was spitting I was so angry. I had just gone through something with him about giving out information, especially social security numbers and I had screamed then. This was so out of control that I did not even know who I was. I do not think it was possible to have that much anger and hatred bottled up. Of course I had gone to panic mode with my inability to get into my account and I thought maybe someone had hacked my accounts. The panic and fury was so overpowering. And yet, it was also intoxicating. I cannot explain that right now.
The lesson learned was not to protect my accounts. They are, hence the phone call. I have other safety measures in place. My computer had gone out for whatever reason and it wiped out my cookies. So that was the need for verification.
No, the lesson is what happened to me physically. The anger came from within, deep like a fissure erupting. Once it was flowing, it was impossible to stop it. I am not sure that the anger was at all about what had just transpired. Maybe it was more for all that has transpired for a while. I hold on to things and stuff them down. I then take a plunger and shove it in further. “ Nice girls do not get mad.” I heard that voice and I kept quiet. Years of repression from being a nice girl are within and need to spew. I have anger for so many transgressions and hurt and downright physical abuse. I have the right to be angry. May be my timing is not so good…..ya think? The lesson is that I need to temper the reaction to the right cause. I maybe need to let off steam, but I need a better medium. But having said all that, it was only part of the lesson. The other part is what all that bottled up anger did to me and what I did to myself when I released it. Fortunately I did make my call and it helped me get calm pretty fast. My peaks and valleys are still deep but not as wide. I had a wonderful call and then went and sat outside with the dogs for a while. I realized I was frozen and it was too late. I was all crunched up and my gut reeling and my head hurt, which are all my reactions when I am in a freeze. I was still very sensitive and easily angered still. We went shopping and I calmed. Then this is the lesson and one I will try to keep in my forethought so maybe I will not get so frigging angry. Because when I calmed down, the inflammation set in and I was almost unable to walk. The lava pain surged through my body. I was in so much discomfort that I felt sick to my stomach. I am way out on taking my shot, I was two weeks over due. Long story why I did not take it. The issue today was from being so tightly wound that when I released it was like snapping a rubber band. Take your hands and tighten them up into a fist. Try to hold that for a so long as a minute and then release it. There is relief but also residual pain. This is what it feels like but it in many places like my main joints and not so main joints. It is because I had flooded my system with so much cortisol that the reaction was inevitable as much as any steroid withdrawal can be.
So lesson learned. Cool it or else. That has to be my motto until I get a better handle on the sympathetic system. My amygdala is like a nuclear reactor that is so very close to a melt down because it is firing too hot. I do not have normal reaction when I get angry or afterwards. I hope I can do this. Understanding all this really helps and I think moving forward that this type of therapeutic work must include training the client/patient to understand what is going on with them physically. There is freedom in understanding, if not helpful to move on.
I did feel bad for being so vile and so I did something. It was huge for me to do. I trusted my husband and try to explain to him the last year and half and what I have been learning. I am not sure if he got it or if he just felt better for not being the total cause. Maybe both. If you read this and think, what is the big deal? The big deal is because I had to trust him enough to share this part of me which is so very personal. It made me incredibly vulnerable to someone, someone very close and…. Well others who had the same role in my life would have used this as an exposed belly and chewed me up at the first chance. We will see if this information will make any difference. I did not tell him to acquit myself of guilt for being so angry either. I did it because I can no longer get so angry and I asked him to think about his actions. This is a big test. If you care for someone and they have lung cancer, you do not offer them a cigarette. I did not tell him about my past as that does not matter in this relationship at all. I just explained how I am and how I got there is not important anymore. He said he was grateful for me telling him so much and he said it made a lot of sense. But …will it change anything. We will see. This is a very big step for me. Today seemed to have a lot of major things happen and I admit I am exhausted.