Chosing Words

flame in falls

I got up out of bed this morning and my first thought was pain. Yes, I had a ton of it. But yesterday I had listened to a program from the Institute for Brain Potential. The DVD is a workshop on How We Heal Ourselves and Others. It is about communications and offered tools and awareness techniques. I have only listened to the first of four discs and got a lot out of it. She describes the fact that everyone has pain. It is a real and as part of our lives as breathing. Everyone will have pain at some point. She is Dr. Ruth Butterfield and she is very impressive in many ways. The thing that the good doctor wants us to differentiate is that pain is real and you will have it, but suffering is a choice.

Boy, did that resonate with me. It will take a while to settle in. “Suffering is a choice” Why would anyone choose to do that? And then I reflected on my day. I woke up with my usual pain and went about starting my day. Somewhere in the morning, the pain went to my lower back. It happens but this was way more than normal. I chose to ignore it and we went about our errands. This was maybe not wise because the day was filled with walking on cement floors shopping in big over bright locations for things for the house renovation. We spent almost two hours picking out things at Home Depot which has a horrible environment.  I was not aware of the pain in my back and feet until towards the end. But we continued on to two more places and then we had to haul everything into the house. I got to my chair and collapsed. The pain was so significant that I was crying. I was also suffering. I had not listened to the DVD yet.

I was grateful that the contractor was still working on the kitchen renovations since we left, but then he had removed all the contents of several cupboards and the stuff was everywhere. This too is not what I wanted as I needed to stoop to return stuff and bending to sort things out. We finally got things cleaned up and I am grateful that my husband was supportive and helpful. When we work together on things, we get through it faster and I am not resentful that he leaves it for me. Finally the house was back in order and quiet reigned in the house. I watched the DVD and it just rang true. When I just did what I had to do, I got through it. When I sat and let the pain overtake me, I suffered. My remedy was to just stop both. Once I allowed myself to relax, I did and the pain level was bearable.

I can take this concept to other things in my life. There is something happening in my work world. I do not know what it is but it is something big. This is based on things I saw on Friday but do not have the answer. I just know it is not good. I have been very displeased with the treatment of many of my coworkers and some things that have been happening. I feel the unrest there. I also feel the unrest in myself. I cannot explain it better than this for now. But I know there is transition coming and I feel it may not be good. Again, I have chosen to think that way. And I have chosen to suffer because of the frustration I feel.

My good friend Mariann keeps telling me there are wonderful things are coming my way. I do not see them. And unfortunately, because of my past, I am not able to trust that, right now. Trust is a new way of thinking that I am a novice in practice. However, if this was three years ago, right now I would be a totally mess. I would have perseverated myself right into a total whirlwind of worry and fear. I have to say, I am not fearful. I am a tad worried. I can deal with that because not being full of fear is so much better than living in a permanent state of being scared of life. There is even a small, and I do mean small, glimmer of anticipation of emancipation. I know in my head I cannot control whatever is coming down the pipe. (which is a great analogy and I chose that over the word pike) I can control the reaction and I can prepare myself in many ways, which I am doing. I am also choosing not to suffer, especially since there is nothing to suffer about except crap I put in my head.

The small, tiny flame of hope is that there is some ability now in my life to be a bit less panicky over my career. I am to a point in my life that I want to work, but I could survive if I needed to on all the resources I spent my life preparing. My husband is now semi-retired. He can substitute teach and chooses to do so. I was very upset at first about this, but I see that it really is for the better. I think it is hard to admit our ages and he is older than I am. He was ready to semi-retire. It was difficult to accept for me and I (we) suffered.

I am not there yet. But…..and this is the big kahuna… I do not know what I do want to do. I know what I do not want to do and that is work for or in oppressive and condescending environments. Returning back to the small internal flame, I realize I do have the power to have that no matter where I am working. It is the difference again of being in pain or suffering.  So with that in mind, I will wait to see what transpires on Monday, if anything. Believe, this is not easy for me to do and will take a conscious effort to not go there in my head.

As far as the pain, I too can chose to deal with it. And this is where a total change of mind is occurring. I am not going to get rid of the pain itself. I have a disease that will run its course in due time. But I need to accept it instead of fighting it. Every warrior knows that there are times when you need to let the horse rest and there is no shame in that. I know for fact that when I let the pain over take me, I am nasty and woeful. I chose the word woeful because it was in the vein of suffering. I am going to seriously try to let things take their course in the world around me and that is part of the emancipation. I am not going to say too much more about this because I cannot articulate it even if I wanted to. It is just a feeling, a small glimmering flame.

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