There are a couple of things that have happened in the past days that I wanted to write down. My blog is my personal journal. It has chronicled many of the steps I have taken on my journey. I am selfish in the fact that I write first for my own needs, but if something rings a bell with a reader, than that’s even better.
As some of you know, I have been in a funk for a while. My first desire was to completely quit, pull out and stop everything. I became disconnected and discontented. I wanted to hibernate and just be left alone. Everything I was doing seemed to have a rough edge about it. The abrasiveness of my world got to me. I am very sensitive, so what might not bother someone else, gets to me in an extreme manner. After a while of being in a caustic environment, you become sore. And when I get sore, I get nasty. I wrote that without thinking and in rereading it, it is so very true. When my world is tumbled and rough, I have more pain than normal. I do not like pain even though I have it all the time. I do not even realize how bad I am until I become immobile in a freeze and then it is too late. And then I feel trapped within my own body. It is very hard to see clearly when you are trapped.
My world is very narrow but not unlike many adults. I go to work, I go to the store and I have a home. I have activates I enjoy like my music and photography and friends. I am not adventurous. I do not long to travel to distant worlds at all. The comfort of the common routes and ways are comforting to a point. But living where I do, by nature’s decree, I eliminate one of my escape places which is outside, in my garden especially. I lose the light because I go to work in the dark and return after sunset. I work for the most part in a building with little natural light. It affects me greatly. I have three additional incandescent lights in my office to help me cope. I compensate in December with Christmas lights. I have them everywhere in the house. I bring in plants and I brought my garden chair into the sunniest room in the house. But it is not the same as being out.
Every fall, I seem to slip into this void where the darkness rules. Before I was aware of things, I never made the connection about huge physical changes that occurred to me in the fall. I have had most of my big time health situations happen in the fall. I do not want to use descriptors that are negative because each situation was actually a reaction to something that I needed to deal with. And in hindsight, they have turned out to resolve to a better situation. Fall is a transition period for me usually through some kind of change and that is all it is. But it is not very pleasant going through it.
When I get to the other side, so to speak, I am exhausted and frazzled. My minuscule patience has been depleted and at a point, I become intolerant. There is good reason for it. I do not relax. I do not know how. I do not go with the flow. I fight and push back and struggle to the point of exhaustion. I do this partially out of fear because I do not do well with being out of control. I do not give myself permission to let go and just stop fighting. I am like the mother in Christmas Story who at dinner barely sits for a minute. She jumps up to do something every time someone asks for something. I struggle with sitting and doing nothing and I hop up constantly to take care of something. Even now as I am typing, I am fighting the urge to go get the laundry started. In my garden I can just stop and smell the roses.
There is a difference between doing nothing and resting. I hear the parental voices of my past who never allowed laziness. I am learning to understand the resources that harm me and this is one: Old tapes that are not of my creation that do not benefit me. I grew up in a time where women had to work doubly hard to get paid less and have fewer successes solely because of gender. I have always been an overachiever and I am becoming aware that I really do not need to prove anything anymore. But this lifestyle has been engrained and I will need to learn to reprogram it.
This is the cool part of my story today. I was talking with my mentor in our weekly session about the recent clashes in my world. We were talking about the battles at work and at home and my lack of reprieve from the constant struggle. I have been able to break away from the issues at work much more successfully than I can at home. Without getting into details, I get sucked into situations and end up ravaged by the entanglement. I was frustrated because there seemed to be little change and the repetition, because there was no escape at home, was wearing me down to the point I got sick. The word entanglement is where the problem lied. It is very hard to not become drawn into conflict when it is in your face and affects your existence. I became a willing participant in the game that was being dealt to me. I could not see the escape hatch. What I thought were my only choices were not choices I am willing to take. Again, I felt trapped.
While we were talking, this vision happened. I could see the kitchen table clearly in my mind’s eye. But the vision was very small, dark and oval. Around the dark area was bright and empty. Not scary empty, just lacking any tangible objects. I was objectively watching the argument at the table and sensing the angst and frustration of the person who I represented. But I was not feeling the discomfort. It was like watching a play. I empathized for the character that was me, but I was separated from the conflict. It was like a light filled me and I got it. There was the answer. Get out of the embroilment. Detach from the game and look at the situation objectively. You cannot do that when you are allowing the conflict to personally pull you in and allow the aggressor to push your buttons. I am like an elevator panel in a forty floor building. I have too many buttons. And because I am quick witted, and have a side of me that likes fight back, I engage. No one wins in those battles. It is not about the conflict but about personal agendas with limited rewards.
Yesterday, I was working with my Healing Touch Teacher. Her message validated everything that happened on Thursday without her knowing what had transpired. I find this totally cool. She used the word “Eagle eye” and it was like someone plugged me in. I understood that was the vision I had. I had an “eagle eyed” view. It was separate from the conflict but focused in a small concentration. But there was a bigger picture, which was the void I saw. I do not know what lies beyond the small picture because I have never looked. But I know there is more if I pull out of the immediate conflict.
This has been a powerful three days for me. I have been giving some wonderful support and guidance and I know I am blessed. I have work to do in a couple of areas. The first one is to learn to give myself permission to stop. As we know, I have trouble with “just being” and I think this is part of what I need to learn to do. I have to give myself permission to just let the world continue on without me for a bit every day. That’s the gift and difference. It only has to be for a short while to start. Gradually it can grow, but I will start small as that is what I can do for now. The second part of this includes where I take this break. This will be harder and has been part of the conflict in the home. I cannot sit outside when it is -30 degrees wind chill. I have to learn to just ask for what I need and not engage in the ensuing conflict and games. There are a lot of things that are difficult in our relationship right now, but I have been looking at this in the big picture sense instead of the current issue at hand. That is why I am overwhelmed. I have to be compassionate about taking care of myself because when you become so depleted, you become resentful. And that makes me not a very nice person to be with either. It takes two to fight.
So moving into 2014 I have many challenges which is actually something I enjoy. The last challenge is to separate the me that is now, from the me that was. I have to disengage from the old tapes and listen to the new voices that are there to guide me. It is like being on that cliff again holding on to the edge with my fingertips. I have been here before. I get very anxious when I get to a point like this but the new me is giving myself kudos for getting there instead of reprimanding myself for fear of letting go. In the right moment, I will. I need to get my strength back first. And that comes from the Light and from Nature. I know where they are. I just need to connect again.