“Ms. Fixer, who do you think you are?”

I am a fixer. I feel like there should be a weekly group I can go to for salvation. “Hello, My name is Jane and I am a fixer.”  The addiction is just as bad as alcohol. I see something wrong and I have the overzealous need to repair. But like most addictions it is based on a falsehood and that something needs to be changed. But in my world I do see things that way and in reality it is to make me feel better. I realize the arrogance of that. Who am I to say something is broken?
The only control we have over things in this world is ourselves. What I am really doing in fixing is making things more comfortable for myself. If a situation was working for me, I would have no need to fix. But there is an irritant that needs to be eradicated for me to be comfortable, so I must fix. There are some conditions we do have the ability to change but a true Fixer like me does not stop there. We must fix people and attempt misdirected repair on the impossible and that is when we run into trouble.
All my life, I have been the one who wanted to fix people who are broken. Intuitively, I can find the waif who has a need in everyone I meet. Then there are those who see this trait in me and clamp on in hopes they can sit back and have their issues resolved by someone else. They are called predators. I also naturally attract them too.
I realize that there is a piece of the ego that finds satisfaction in the control of others. I realize that there is a “high” I get when things seem to be turned around in the favor of the solution I have presented. There is a need in me to be exalted as the savior of issues and wounds, even on the smallest of concerns. My ego is fed when someone sees my way as the best way. And my frustration mounts when they go on their own path in direct conflict of my resolution.
For example, yesterday there are three of us who are in charge of Pillar initiatives who met with the Administration Board. It is a big responsibility and we are the drivers of many work plans. I personally oversee four committees that respond directly to my initiative. It is a Fixer’s dream to have that much supremacy. The meeting was to set strategic initiatives for the next year. I am salivating at the power that all created. One item that was presented to me was absurd. I tried to explain the futility in the directive with clear data. It is impossible to move the matrix they wanted. But it became a point of ego with one of the Board members and I knew I was in trouble and needed to back down. But of course before I did, I turned bright red with the frustration. They have set up this initiative for failure before it even hits the paper. I cannot fix that and so I let it go….. in the meeting. But trust me, I stewed about it along with one other rational person who came to me afterwards. It is what it is and I cannot fix it. But it is frustrating because they will expect me to do just that. Move the numbers that reflect their expectation. NO one will be able to do that, and I wonder if that was the other person’s ego need to just do exactly that; set up an unrealistic expectation to move the spotlight off their own incompetency. Too bad no one in power will be able to see that.
In personal relationships, nothing brings me more satisfaction than to fix wounds and heal broken hearts. Like most addictions, it has become toxic and an intervention needed to be done. I have heard from people who I hold in high regard the concern my addiction has been taking on me. The toll has been great and includes health issues along with severing relationships. In some cases, I had to separate myself from toxic relationships from people who saw me as an easy target. In my attempts to fix things, their needs became greater than mine and they depleted my supplies leaving me angry and hurt. The ego said “I failed.But in truth, by moving out of the target zone, I healed myself and I guess in a way fixed things. The ego still needs to catch up with the concept that I matter as well.
As a teacher and a healer, I cannot truly abdicate from this type of work. I will always have a need to fix things. It will be my duty to learn how and when. I can present my thoughts and my solutions, but I then need to allow the other to take the first step and start their journey. I have to accept that their path will be as different as they are and that it is ok. It is more than ok, it is what has to happen. I also need to accept that my employment situation is not perfect and decide what I want to do about that too. I have the control to change that, but not the people I work with. The effort I need to do is to find peace within that I have done my best and be satisfied with that. There is a lot of work I need to do on my own being and that should be enough to feed the monkey so to speak. My ego finds it easier to look out than within.
I guess I need to fix that.


3 thoughts on ““Ms. Fixer, who do you think you are?”

  1. My ego can get the best of me. There are times when I want to act out irrationally because a particular situation is not being handled in the manner that I know, of course, is best. That is not a unique observation of self rather an admission of self-awareness from an individual living in recovery knowing that it is that same ego that fed so many of my former resentments. Resentments naturally led to a vertigo of negative behavior which was compounded by the substance abuse used as self-treatment which led to more negativity and so on. The practice of self-awareness has done me a whole lotta good. Reading posts like this that offer tried and true insight allow me to maintain a healthy perspective even if I lose sight of it on my own. Thank you for posting such good material and helping me stay true.

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