Winter dreams

My insomnia has switched off for now and my sleep does what it is prone to do at this point. I start to have vivid dreams and I wake up not refreshed and often disturbed by the last dream of the night. So it has been for two such recent instances. You would think the dark and long nights would be conducive to wonderful slumber, but this is a period of time since I was a child that has produced sleep deprivation and tormenting dreams. I wonder if I am so in tuned with nature that this is my cycle of casting off and purging much like the trees do with their leaves before they have a peaceful slumber. I wonder if they sense the freeze that stops the movement of sap as some death within, some anguish of loss of the processes of osmosis and a fear that they will not see the next spring. Do they know death and fear it, if only for a brief moment until they truly sleep for the winter? This is what I sense.
On a recent Saturday afternoon, I indulged in taking a nap. This is a reward I give myself for the hard work I put forth all week and even more for the housekeeping I must do on the weekend. When I lay down, I quite often will listen to music with headphones which produces some wonderful relaxation, discharging the tension out of my body. This particular time I did not have headsets on as I was incredibly exhausted and really wanted to sleep. I conked. After almost two hours, I had a dream that I still remember. I can feel it, but I cannot remember all the parts of it. Basically I was in a room and I was comfortable in the room as it was my house and specifically my room. As a little girl and teen, this theme was a reoccurring dream with different visualization but the sensations were always the same. FEAR. This recent dream was not apocalyptic, which was a common theme in my older years. I have dreamt in depth the end of the world and have seen my own death three times. All are very real dreams which have never left me. One dream was only two years ago.
(Sorry for the Squirrel writing but that is what my blog is for.) So in this afternoon nap dream, there was something in my room. It appeared in a cloud like form, totally dark, ominous and not definable. It was under the bed which is another childhood fear. When I was in my teens, I took my mattress and box spring off the frame and put it directly on the floor. Ended that fear for me. But when I was very young, I was told there were monsters (evil) under my bed that would grab my legs and pull me under if I tried to get out of bed at night. I was put to bed in a very large bedroom and then left to fend for myself as my sister was eight years older and did not retire until much later. It was a rotten device to keep me put. Even as a young child, my imagination was very active and to this day, I can still see this huge room and sense the fear I had being in there in the early night as the light dwindled and the monsters waited. I never defined what the monsters were, just like this recent dream. I just knew they were there. Part of my childhood also included the fact that I wet the bed for a longtime and had to sleep on these awful thick rubber mats. Boy, this writing is conjuring up some wonderful memories don’t you think? In this recent dream, the fear started small and grew and eventually I sensed that the cloud was not waiting for me to move, but was coming for me. I woke up from the level of sleep I was in but the strong fear remained for a bit. It permeated my body and it took a while to shake it off.I still can see the dark cloud which has appeared at other points of my life including in my first attempts of meditation. And although not as strong, I still can sense the apprehension I felt.
Last night’s dream was most bizarre. Again, it contained a common thread of fear but included escape. But this escape was fraught with impediments. But the last part of the dream is still with me. In the beginning of the dream I was with someone and we were in some sort of race. I sense a form of competition and yet, not a formal one. My vehicles were bizarre and faulty and keep breaking down. All of us were on devices of mobility that are not common. There were scooters and broken down cars taped together with duct tape and wobbly bicycles but also appliances and furniture with wheels. But they were getting away. At some point, I had veered off the race pathway and was up on some hill on private property. Someone was coming after me and I was stuck. My vehicle was not defined other than it was not working. I was trying to escape pending doom which included the fear of bodily harm and death. At one point, the dream switched to me trying to locate a bathroom, and unable to find one clean enough for me to use. This is also is a reoccurring theme most of my adult life either awake or asleep. The dream switches back to the fight for flight and I am fending off this person who is beginning to attack me. It was a male with red hair. This person is pursuing me with vengeance and had some form of implement that he was using as a weapon. My vehicle is no longer operational and I am in a panic. There was a lot of scurry and seeking for another form of transportation and I stumble on a cart of sorts. This was a yellow-gold metal two shelved cart much like my brother had back in the 60’s. It morphed into a scooter like thing and I hopped on and started to escape. I am closely being followed by this red headed demon which has a weapon. I grabbed a huge corkscrew drill from somewhere and threatened the demon with it. Again, this was a tool from my father’s collection of tools and as a child was in awe of the size of it. At one point in the struggle, I became victorious and sped away as much as anyone can speed away on an old cart like vehicle. The last scene in the dream is a huge table on an enclosed front porch with all kinds of people sitting around and enjoying some form of celebration. I am walking around the table and people are lovingly poking fun at me as it seems I somehow won the competition. I stand behind someone and slip my arms around them to the delight and jeers of the partakers. It is the red head man who was my enemy.
I love doing dream analysis and can figure parts of this out fairly easily. I had red hair as a younger person and as a friend and guide told me, we dream about ourselves as all the players. The person I fight with is myself and the war I am in dealing with the issues I am having and the race represents the anger and frustration I am struggling with trying to resolve my place. I am not sure about the other person who was with me in the beginning of the race as they disappeared unless they were represented my old self. The bathroom sequence is so common in my dreams. I know it represents the frustration and impediments I have to face going through my journey. I am seeking a place to eliminate the garbage I have carried for years and it is thwarted and frustrating in real life and in my dreams. The corkscrew drill is fascinating.It represents the fear I had of my father as a child and yet, I use that tool of his to protect myself. I really was scared of that thing as a kid. It hung in the garage on the tool board and I can still remember the head of it being shiny brown and glistening almost like a flattened out big marble. I have no idea what it was used for as it was at least two feet long and the head was the size of a flatten softball.The last part of the dream is telling me I made peace with myself. At the end of the dream, there is a sense of belonging and acceptance and a bit of sensuality and bonding which are all things I struggle with but desire in the real world.
The next few days will be difficult for sleep for me as it is a cycle that I have participated in for years. The solstice is coming. I am not going to write about the significance of this solstice right now other than it is huge for me. And there will be peace soon.

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3 thoughts on “Winter dreams

  1. Though a long dream with many confusing components, (which is a perfectly apt description of our “waking” life), the result is – you win, you overcome. THAT is something to smile about 😉 Peace . . .

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