I think I finally figured out what has been going on with me and I had some wonderful help and support to get to this understanding. Thank you. In a nut shell, I am exhausted. I have literally worn myself down to nothing. Funny thing is I can see when it happens to others, but not in me. I think I am invincible. I have always been this way about getting sick. It is a rare day when I will give into feeling like crap physically other than when my arthritis is flaring. I rarely get sick with things like colds or stomach bugs. I have not let my aches stop me nor any slight malaise. I wait until I am completely flat lined. Then I have no choice but to stop. I have been fighting a low grade infection for a while, but little Miss Control freak has tried to ignore it. Last night I learned about giving myself permission to just stop. Just stop and allow myself to go into my cave and hibernate so to speak. I decided that in my first steps to put myself first, I would acquiesce and just stop for while trying to be all for everyone else and be there for me. It is not natural for me. Not because I am saintly either. It is because I have never thought myself worthy. I have always equated being tired and sick as a weakness. And again, I do not allow myself to fail. Not again because I am perfect, but because I do not know how to cut myself slack. There has been a lot going on this past year. Much of it has been good, but the past months have been plague with some issues
There are troubles on the home front. My husband has lost his job. Not that was a bad thing completely as the job sucked, and he is back to substitute teaching which he loves. But he carried the health insurance. That alone was worth the job to me, but not to him. His company had great insurance for very little. The cost to keep it is huge. Also, he is home ALL THE TIME when I am. This is the first time in a very long time in our marriage that we are spending a lot of time together. I got very used to him not being around and having my own space. This is a mild irritant that will need to be worked out.
My work situation has not improved. I have written about my frustrations, so I am not going to belabor it. I was planning on a new project next January that would have been a lot of fun to do. At first people thought it was a great idea. Then, as they do there, one by one they cast negativity and doubt on the project. My old way would have been to do it and overdo it so that it would be successful in spite of what they said. I would have to do it all by myself, because they have already said it would not be successful and why would they want to be part of that? But when it was successful, and it would have been, they would take credit for it. And that would leave me even more resentful than I am now. And I am this feeling this way because I have just spent a year doing this exact process. So, I am not going to do the project. Bingo. End of problem. Matter of fact, I am going to do exactly what they want me to do and nothing more, which will bore me out of my mind. But I have a solution for that which I am also working on.
I have been looking at volunteer opportunities and got involved in two things. One involved taking courses to prepare which I have completed. I have been cleared to now do the work which is Hospice. I have some trepidation about it and so I am going to tell the volunteer coordinator that I will start in the New Year. The other volunteer effort was for a group who needed someone to take on a huge ongoing program. The woman who is doing it now is retired and does this position full time. I would love to help, but I do not have the time needed to be able to do this job correctly. And I would have worn myself out trying to do that and become even more frustrated. So I am going to tell them they need to find someone who could devote the time necessary to do this job. I actually volunteered to do something completely different with the group and that was education. I am bringing them in to have a workshop in January for healthcare workers, so it is not like I am not doing something. Right now, it will have to do.
I have been going at so much in the past year that because I am overwhelmed, everything is suffering. I am like a bull in a china shop, crashing and shattering all the fine things. I feel like I am spinning and thrashing around going nowhere. It is not what I want for myself. I am going to take this time to try and figure out exactly what it is I want. Because I am going at “it” so much, I cannot figure what “it” is I want. I want everything and I want it now. “It” Does not work that way. And when I reread all this I see that I articulated the huge guilt I feel about everything and that has also got to stop. First I have to get my feet back under me and get over whatever this bug I have. Then I need to “just rest”. Hopefully, while I am resting I can listen in the silence to hear what I need and find my direction again. I will spend time writing and pondering and trying to get back the Light I feel I have dimmed.
Because it is the season for giving thanks, I do want to say how grateful I am for all the wonderful people on this site and the people who stop to read my utterings and comment. I am extremely grateful for the connections that I have made and the continued support and love I have found. No matter how much I put down in words, it will never express the deep gratitude I feel.