I awoke and proceeded to tumble down into a rabbit hole. It did not take long. I turned to look at my alarm clock to see it was a close to 3:30 am. My bewitching hour: the time when the demons of my life rear their ugly head and dance me around in a tango that leaves me breathless and with a pounding heart. As I lay there, listening to the emptiness of the night, the slope increased with great speed as I tumbled deeper and deeper. On the rim of the hole was an observer, helplessly watching the descent. That spectator was also me, tottering on the rim but completely aware that this is not the way it has to be. Who and what is making this call to allow this person to cascade into despair. That too was me. I had made a choice to forget and allow the insignificant issues to pull me down and into this abyss.

The past month has had a lot of things happening that were out of my control. I forget that we do not really have control of much in our lives. People like me need a steady environment in order to feel safe. I do not feel safe very often. Even when my head says that there is nothing to fear, I fear anyways. It takes a great deal of focus for me to keep myself from tying myself up into a knot. This compounds the issue because when things get scary, my body reacts by creating quantities of pain and they pop up in locations that have no reason to hurt. And then I start to worry about what is physically going on and why I have the pain I do and it compounds things. And then I keep falling.

This time of year is very hard on me for a variety of reasons. I have lost three dogs including the one that was the closest of any being to me. And unless you have been blessed with that connection, it is hard to describe well enough to give it the meaning it needs. I also have had some of my worse diagnoses handed to me at this time. I also hate the darkness that permeates this time. It is dark when I get up and go to work. I work in a windowless area as my office is in the center of the building on the second floor. And now it is dark when I leave. I do love the holiday lights and that is one reason why I leave them in the back garden all year. The trees are bare and the plants are gone. I have one room in which I have brought many of my plants in and they continue to grow. I have no control over the light and seasons and yet it still affects me greatly.

I understand why animals hibernate and I wish I too could just sleep the winter darkness away. But, as almost a joke, this time of year for most of my life has been plague with insomnia. I can remember the first time I was aware of it and I was around 12, but it had been there before. My parents used to dismiss it as childhood anxiety about Christmas. But I never cared about this holiday since I was old enough to be aware. To me, this holiday created even more havoc in a home where turmoil ruled. It has never been about the gifts either, as my parents never made a big deal about presents. There is something about the energy of this time of year that causes me to not sleep and that adds to the exhaustion of a season of perpetuated deadlines.

So without recounting my litany of gripes, I laid there in my bed, listening to the short breaths of the two little dogs attached to my side. I realized they felt safe for the first time possibly in their little lives. I have no clue why three different times they were dumped into either the pound or a rescue. But it does not matter, they are safe and at home and loved and isn’t that all any of us want?

And it hit me like a brick. Yes, things have been really caustic. And yes, things are definitely out of control right now. There was nothing I could do there in bed to resolve any of it. And it is that helplessness that causes me to fall so quickly. It is not the issues, they happen to everyone. It is my lack of being able to resolve them right then and there. And because they have been coming at me rather in abundance, I am overwhelmed. So the first things I did as I lay there was to say I had a valid reason to feel this way. I accepted the situation for what it was. I paid attention to my breathing because one of my biggest indicators that I am headed into or are already into a freeze. I cannot breath. I take short rapid breaths instead of conscious long and deep relaxing breaths. I made attempts to slow down and breathe way deep into my gut. It took a lot of effort and as I am sitting here typing I realized I am back to short breaths.

But the thing that was so apparent was why I got up and decided to write. I realized what was missing. I have lost my sense of Spirit. I have been so focused on the crap of being human I forgot that none of it will matter in a month or year. I forgot that these issues are not the end of my life and that they will resolve in time. But most of all I forgot to trust that God is with me and will continue to be with me if I just chill. I lay there and felt that even though the word God does not resonate well with me, the feeling of having the energy flow certainly does. The word God to me conjures up memories of not so good childhood thoughts so I prefer to use Spirit. The word does not matter. I realized the Spirit connection was not there. I had forgotten the feeling being so wrapped up all that was coming at me. And that is what I am talking about feeling safe. Because there was no safety for actually the better part of my life, and that most of the spiritual grounding I have is very recent, when I am being broiled, I let go and forget. It all made perfect sense to me. It is why I cannot and have not written. It is why I cannot breath. It is why all of the things that I have no control over have taken me into their jaw and chewed me up. It is why I hurt. Nothing I do in an attempt to feel better right now  is possible until I get back to being connected with Spirit, God, Creator or whatever human name we attach to the feeling of being safe and loved. The Light is very low but not out.




6 thoughts on “Disconnection

  1. I’m affected by the lack of light too. Whenever I see the sun (twice this month) I run outside to catch all the rays.
    I wouldn’t be able to work for a long time in an office without a window …
    Wishing you strength, and that kind of inspiration that silences the mind.

  2. It is good you recognize your feeling of separateness from God. It will be better when you realize it is a feeling only and not a reality. I use the term God because I am comfortable with it. Many on here connect the word god with a particular religious belief they disagree with or feel betrayed by so they use other terms, but the point is the same. Everything is connected, parts of the same universe – literally one turning. We are no more seperate from God than we are from ourselves, which is impossible. I feel for you, when I was younger I often had feelings of separateness like I did not belong with the world. I still do rarely, but now they are momentary and seem to serve to remind me of the separate feelings some others have all the time. There’s not much I can say, Jane, other than you do belong and you and Spirit are One. I share only so you know you are not the only one who ever feels like this. Perhaps the intensity of the feeling this morning is simply backlash from others’ focus on Thanksgiving and now their excitement about Christmas. Even those who swim against the tide are being directed by it if the reason for their swimming is to fight where the tide takes them. It is what it is. You are loved. My heart goes out to you. I pray you awaken in peace.

  3. Winter can certainly be challenging, on many levels. I too sometimes wake up at some awful hour, and then the brain starts working, and sure enough, the clock moves on without any sense of sleep. It makes the next day very difficult. I hope you get your sense of connection back soon. It will come almost without you knowing . Not an easy place to be. You have my sympathy and best wishes

  4. I relate on many levels – I find winter quite hard, especially due to the lack of light. The grey days make me feel very lethargic and sad. I try to remember the light is always there, I just can’t see it when its obscured by clouds. Thinking of you.

  5. I think it is not just absence of light
    that blocks the Spirit, I think walking barefoot
    connecting with Gaia, especially in Winter is what
    we need…She will pull toxins out, She will re-enforce the roots
    She will give Her light from deep within the earth up through our
    feet to balance the Winter skies….just my thought, but as I walked barefoot
    each morning I feel better…clearer…I don’t have to walk far, just a few minutes
    and stand still drawing in the energy….
    I hope you feel more connected with Spirit soon Jane…
    and I need to thank you for your wonderful email…I was speechless and your kindness and concern..
    I go back to it and when I find the words I will write back….just know I felt the energy of each word
    you so graciously spoke…Thank you for Being Just You….
    Take Care…You Matter…

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