I awoke and proceeded to tumble down into a rabbit hole. It did not take long. I turned to look at my alarm clock to see it was a close to 3:30 am. My bewitching hour: the time when the demons of my life rear their ugly head and dance me around in a tango that leaves me breathless and with a pounding heart. As I lay there, listening to the emptiness of the night, the slope increased with great speed as I tumbled deeper and deeper. On the rim of the hole was an observer, helplessly watching the descent. That spectator was also me, tottering on the rim but completely aware that this is not the way it has to be. Who and what is making this call to allow this person to cascade into despair. That too was me. I had made a choice to forget and allow the insignificant issues to pull me down and into this abyss.
The past month has had a lot of things happening that were out of my control. I forget that we do not really have control of much in our lives. People like me need a steady environment in order to feel safe. I do not feel safe very often. Even when my head says that there is nothing to fear, I fear anyways. It takes a great deal of focus for me to keep myself from tying myself up into a knot. This compounds the issue because when things get scary, my body reacts by creating quantities of pain and they pop up in locations that have no reason to hurt. And then I start to worry about what is physically going on and why I have the pain I do and it compounds things. And then I keep falling.
This time of year is very hard on me for a variety of reasons. I have lost three dogs including the one that was the closest of any being to me. And unless you have been blessed with that connection, it is hard to describe well enough to give it the meaning it needs. I also have had some of my worse diagnoses handed to me at this time. I also hate the darkness that permeates this time. It is dark when I get up and go to work. I work in a windowless area as my office is in the center of the building on the second floor. And now it is dark when I leave. I do love the holiday lights and that is one reason why I leave them in the back garden all year. The trees are bare and the plants are gone. I have one room in which I have brought many of my plants in and they continue to grow. I have no control over the light and seasons and yet it still affects me greatly.
I understand why animals hibernate and I wish I too could just sleep the winter darkness away. But, as almost a joke, this time of year for most of my life has been plague with insomnia. I can remember the first time I was aware of it and I was around 12, but it had been there before. My parents used to dismiss it as childhood anxiety about Christmas. But I never cared about this holiday since I was old enough to be aware. To me, this holiday created even more havoc in a home where turmoil ruled. It has never been about the gifts either, as my parents never made a big deal about presents. There is something about the energy of this time of year that causes me to not sleep and that adds to the exhaustion of a season of perpetuated deadlines.
So without recounting my litany of gripes, I laid there in my bed, listening to the short breaths of the two little dogs attached to my side. I realized they felt safe for the first time possibly in their little lives. I have no clue why three different times they were dumped into either the pound or a rescue. But it does not matter, they are safe and at home and loved and isn’t that all any of us want?
And it hit me like a brick. Yes, things have been really caustic. And yes, things are definitely out of control right now. There was nothing I could do there in bed to resolve any of it. And it is that helplessness that causes me to fall so quickly. It is not the issues, they happen to everyone. It is my lack of being able to resolve them right then and there. And because they have been coming at me rather in abundance, I am overwhelmed. So the first things I did as I lay there was to say I had a valid reason to feel this way. I accepted the situation for what it was. I paid attention to my breathing because one of my biggest indicators that I am headed into or are already into a freeze. I cannot breath. I take short rapid breaths instead of conscious long and deep relaxing breaths. I made attempts to slow down and breathe way deep into my gut. It took a lot of effort and as I am sitting here typing I realized I am back to short breaths.
But the thing that was so apparent was why I got up and decided to write. I realized what was missing. I have lost my sense of Spirit. I have been so focused on the crap of being human I forgot that none of it will matter in a month or year. I forgot that these issues are not the end of my life and that they will resolve in time. But most of all I forgot to trust that God is with me and will continue to be with me if I just chill. I lay there and felt that even though the word God does not resonate well with me, the feeling of having the energy flow certainly does. The word God to me conjures up memories of not so good childhood thoughts so I prefer to use Spirit. The word does not matter. I realized the Spirit connection was not there. I had forgotten the feeling being so wrapped up all that was coming at me. And that is what I am talking about feeling safe. Because there was no safety for actually the better part of my life, and that most of the spiritual grounding I have is very recent, when I am being broiled, I let go and forget. It all made perfect sense to me. It is why I cannot and have not written. It is why I cannot breath. It is why all of the things that I have no control over have taken me into their jaw and chewed me up. It is why I hurt. Nothing I do in an attempt to feel better right now is possible until I get back to being connected with Spirit, God, Creator or whatever human name we attach to the feeling of being safe and loved. The Light is very low but not out.