This has been a very long week for me and everyone I know. I am in the mood for some squirrel writing. (see previous post) I am very weary of the way people act sometimes. I am very frustrated with work. I do not understand when the goal is as simple as the agency’s mission and vision states: get people better and keep ‘em better in their homes…(not really the mission but you get the gist) why the staff have to play their silly games. It is really all about ego? And what is it this thing we blame all the time, this ego? I remember hearing growing up that having a strong ego was equated with bravado… no wait, that was for my brothers. We girls we taught to acquiesce from a very early age. I was not so good at it and was deemed a feminist way back. That is the name given to women who are pains in the ass to men. But that is a different blog post. I haven’t been writing as much for a reason, I am too tired again at night. So tonight I am why…ning. Why are things the way they are (said in a whining tone)
I was listening to a guided meditation earlier and it was about abundance and ease of life. They made it sound so easy and according to many sources, it is the way it is supposed to be…. Life: full and rich and rewarding. It is supposed to be stress free and you are supposed to come away from your vocational efforts feeling fulfilled and worthy. I took this job because I thought I had found an outlet for my expertise of developing people to fulfill their aspirations, to work with clinicians to become compassionate and empathetic in their caregiving and to teach. I have been thwarted on all counts. I completed a program to become a certified professional in organizational development and it was paid for by this company. Yet they will not use my expertise in project management….until things are so messed up that it always in an emergency solution. And it all stems from someone’s ego and need to control who is totally unqualified. It is so frustrating. The only solution is abdication for me. I am not ready to throw the towel in yet but pretty close…. And why won’t I? Because truthfully, I am afraid.
I do not want to quit or run away because I am feeling …. I was going to type snubbed, but it is more than that. It is actually abusive lately. I am not going into details, but I will say this: My direct report who I consider more than my right hand has been with the agency for 24 years. She is has never seen it so bad. With my blessings, she has now gone to my boss twice with her concerns. She had never had to do that before. And she is not going to my boss about me; she is going to my boss to speak on behalf of the nurses about not working with our team for rolling processes out and using the expertise of the team. My boss is an administrator so that is as high as she can get except the CEO. She and I and the other two members of my department are a great team and there is a respect that works both ways. I have been handcuffed and could do no more for her concerns. It will be interesting to see if her discussion will change much. I am not holding my breath.
But back to the point: I do not understand why people have to have personal agendas that thwart the best practice. I wish I did not care, but it is true…. I do. I do want to see our caregivers have the best training available. I want them to learn that clinical practices need to remember the patient is the most important thing in the mix. Not the documentation, not the insurance, and not the drugs….the patient and the family. But time will tell too soon that the patient-family centered care will be a thing of the past. I am the chairperson of that initiative for our whole agency, all seven counties, as well as sit on the committee at the Medical Center. It is still being touted as important, but it is all double speak. And as we approach the future, it will be the least important factor in health care. And much like some of the protagonists of the past, the louder I shout, the more I advocate, the harder they come down on me. I wish I did not care but I do.
Someone close told me this is just part of my path. That there is a better situation coming. I have to trust this. This situation at work has been steadily getting worse. I tried for a while to not be effected by it, but it is affecting so many people now. The group of managers at my level are all running around like zombies. No one can even think because the amount of resources is so limited that no one can complete their work. It is not getting better and rumor has it….it’s going to get worse. The truth is health care is about to do a major face plant.
So it is Friday night. I am writing and fighting the fatigue coursing through my body. It is not caused by physical exertion. It is the total exhaustion of being on a sinking ship, roped to the masthead as the water is slowly and steadily rising. It is the frustration of knowing it doesn’t have to be this way. It is knowing that it is not personal, and that in truth, I do not matter. And that knowledge makes it all the more painful. I do not want my last major job to not matter.
But to what path do I turn…..?