The Road to acceptance.

I have been doing a series of guided meditations. I try to do one or two a day. I have ones I particularly like from Deepak Chopra. I love his voice. My two favorites are the one he does with nature sounds and the other one is “the Real You.” The principal of the meditation is for you to quiet your mind, go to your heart center and ask, “who am I” and “what do I want?” I work with this one the most because those questions have been plaguing me for a while. I am not a person who does well with an aimless life. I need direction and I need guidance and support. Some have told me that goals are not something that you should strive for. I have decided for me, it is something I need.
In the process of my path, I have discovered something and this is the first time I have said this with such conviction. It’s my path. If there are things I need to have on it, in it or for it, then I need to honor those needs. This sounds simple enough, but it is a declaration that I would not have been able to say a year ago. The progress here is that I am not listening and building my life so much on what others say to me. I used to take everything in as gospel and live according to what others have dictated to me. “Do this, do that…” Even though well intended in some cases, it is my decision and my right to request what I need. Even writing this to me still sounds selfish and arrogant, but I know it is really the healthiest way to be. It is the early steps from the rabbit hole that I am taking. I am listening to the inner voice that comes from within and without. I have always had the voice, just did not hear it amongst the racket in my head. We all have that voice. We all have the ability to choose and follow our hearts on our own very uniquely defined path. We do not define it, but it is all there waiting for us to discover.
The first hurdle, and I am kind of straddling the pole on this, is to be able not to CARE what others say. Let me explain. I am still struggling with acceptance. The difference is that I know I am struggling with it, but it is OK. I will prevail on overcoming my lack of self- acceptance and just by writing that shows progress. I accept that this is a battle for me. But it is becoming a smaller hill. I had huge issues with feeling like I am an outsider. The truth is: I am. Big words, “I am.” That is a whole other post. I struggled with it for a very long time and you might think I would have issues with failure. But that was not the case as much as success. But my success is not your success. I own my success and it probably will not look like yours in anyway. BUT THAT”S OK. That is acceptance. There are many things about me that is different from others and that’s ok. “I am.” This is the acceptance piece and it really rang true for me this weekend.
I am in the process of learning Spiritual Healing Touch Therapy. It was something that was recommended by a friend and guide. My first session was last spring. This weekend was another class in the series of five. This only gets you a practitioner’s level and to become certified is a few more advanced level classes. I have no clue what I am going to do with it. I was very worried about that. First off, truth was I was not sure I would be able to do and learn the program. Well I can and I am actually very good at it. My ability to sense and map is pretty good and my results in practice have been worthy. (good word for me to use) At the end of the last day, the instructor played this song about figuring out things like “Why am I here and what am I doing and why are we called?” I realized that many of my classmates are struggling with this issue. Some are clinicians with other modalities and will naturally work it into their practice. But most are not clinicians who were drawn to this program. So? So it is all fine. In this instance, I figured out that this is something I was led to for a reason not clear to me right now. I am not completely fine with it but I am willing to go with the flow because it seems the right thing to do. The only harm would be is the cost of taking the classes, which are not cheap. I feel fabulous after the classes and that is a huge plus. For now, it is one of the things I am just going to accept and go with. All the impediments for taking this class always resolve for me in a most pleasant way. This to me is a big indicator that I have to trust this process.
I realized this weekend it was not critical for me to be accepted by any of the girls. I work with some of them monthly when we go to our Light Circle. Two sessions ago, I felt snubbed by them and it tormented me. This weekend, I realized I actually do not fit in with them and it is ok. Releasing that need made the weekend very pleasant. I spent time during breaks by myself sometimes just to be quiet and regroup and when I wanted to, I joined the gang. It was very nice. The decision was mine and I owned it. I do not have much in common with any of the ladies outside of this work. They do not know me, and I realized this weekend, I did not care if they did. My connection is to the coordinator and she knows my story pretty well because I see her for private sessions. But they are all very lovely women and the connection in learning this therapy is enough of a connection. This time the instructor who comes from Tennessee was very attentive to me. When she was here for the spring class, she was a bit standoffish. To me, her acceptance was more important than the girls accepting me. There were moments of connection with her that were very powerful. She is a wonderful teacher and a powerful healer. Her humor though is classic Appalachian and wonderful. She was talking about ‘earls’ (oils) and how they are distilled and she went off on talking about the copper stills back home. Some of the girls were clueless.
I have to close this up and get ready for work. This is something I will be writing a great deal about. This is a new level for me, to accept my differences, my needs and wants, and to work towards a healthy self-acceptance. I know that I will not grow if I keep looking outside for acceptance when the inner me does not accept me. It just won’t work. I am sure in this process I will need to learn to draw a line and teach myself the difference between acceptance and arrogance. I loathe arrogant people so much that I have worked myself to the opposite end of the pole in order to not be like that. I will write about this concept more as it was a lunch discussion with my friend who leads the group and a couple of us. It is a concept we all struggle with. Funny how hard it is for women who truly only want to do such good for the world have to defend and work for that goal. Namaste.

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