Sunday Confessions

Some of you who follow my blog know that there has been a lot going on with me, physically and mentally. I am not sure as I type this is if am going to publish it or not. This is going to be pretty close to my heart, but there is something inside me saying I need to write. It is an amazing process, writing. I often wonder who reads this stuff. I know there is the faithful circle of fellow bloggers. I know they read this because they consistently comment and hit like. But there is a group of people who I asked or they asked to read the blog. Some are very close friends. I do not talk about my writing in person. I am not sure why other than the writing is pretty exposed. It is safe to read things I write but it is pretty difficult to talk about them. I guess it is like looking at someone without them knowing you are looking. How do I know they read the blog? Because often a comment will come up in a face to face conversation, and the only way they know about stuff is from the blog. When I write, it is for no other reason than to get things off my mind. My ability to clearly articulate things that affect me deeply does not work with my mouth. Again, those who know me know my language as “Janese” : A system of words that often are a combination of words or just totally made up. But I use them with such conviction that people struggle with the realization that they truly are not a real word. Except my one dear friend who nails me every time. “That’s not a word,” she says.
But the other reason I write is because I am a teacher. I want people to maybe get something from my blog. When I started all this seeking and work, I had nowhere to turn, I thought and it was pretty scary. Writing saved me, even when it was just to one person. Finding the blogging world was the key to my continuation with this process. This blog fellowship is something I cherish. It means the world to me to read about people I have grown to admire share their trials and tribulations and the successes and fun. I love when they respond with support and love back. I am grateful beyond words. I continue to write to my guides when I am struggling with something so deep and personal that I do not feel I can share it with the world. I just went through something that produced some pretty painful and wretched feelings and I wrote copious amount of tear filled writing. Often my vents were directed improperly, BUT I felt safe enough to express my feelings. In hindsight, they were not directly at the person, but at the experience and I have to apologize for being harsh. Frustration to me really chokes my ability to see clearly.
After hours of writing and venting, the veil lifted and I could see where I was going. This process of awareness this time took weeks to come to fruition. I am not complete by any means, just aware. It started with just a sensation and then I had vibrations. The final manifestation is the most amazing to me, I hurt. I woke up on Friday morning and was in very deep and bad pain. I wrote about it. My reason for writing was not to garner sympathy. I was looking for coping methods that others use. I received an outpouring of love and compassion. I was honored but felt guilty. My goal was not to whine and whimper, but to educate people on the disease. I still believe with a lot of hope that there is a cure for it and it resides in my head. This is why I work so hard on all this. I have a choice and I am taking mental over chemical. I still think there is the possibility I can get rid of it if I deal with STUFF. I think that is why I get so upset when I take a shot because it reminds me I am not getting rid of STUFF fast enough.
It may not seem like I am getting to my point but I am. I am doing something I do often when I write, I am veering. It is like going off on a tangent when I let my mind wander. I am just taking you along. Friday I took my shot and went to work. The pain had been with me all day especially taking up residence in both of my feet and ankles. Friday afternoons, I rush home to get comfortable because for part of the evening, I sit and talk with MarDrag. Some of you know her as she is part of my blog group. She is working with me to connect pieces of the mind, body and spirit. If you are looking for a great spiritual therapist, I highly recommend her.
We were talking about the seminar I had gone to among many other things. I kept feeling like something was really bothering me and yet I did not know what it was. As she talked, she said something and it was like an arrow to my heart. The thing is, it was not what she said as much as it was my interpretation… but in truth, it was totally the thing I needed to fire the half cocked trigger I have been living with. This has been brewing for a very long time, like most of my life.
My stomach lurched and I tried to continue with our conversation. We were talking about boundaries and protection in regards to our souls. We talked about protecting oneself when doing healing touch. In my gut and what came out of my mouth was this feeling of pure innocence. Why, if we are working with the spirit to do the healing do you need to protect yourself? I could not get it across that if the healer is totally letting the healing come from without and through the healer to the patient, why do you need protection? We got into this discussion of purity and although I argued for not needing protection, I knew she was right. But this, however, was not what set me off.
What set me off was something she had said earlier. She told me I need to stop trying so hard. I cannot explain in a short post why this comment, said with love and in guidance, totally through me in to a place of intense anger. Well, some of you will understand it. It goes along with being told to “just be.” But that was the catalyst for a really rotten series of crying bouts and writing. I ripped open a place that a thought was done healing and it retrospective some of it is. But there was something in my past writing that I did not deal with.
Let me explain this as best as I can. I wrote almost a year ago about something that was pretty traumatic in my life. Through my work with John and writing, it brought about a lot of healing. When I was writing this weekend, I went back to the older writing in order to share why things were what they were to MarDrag. I did not want to go through the whole mess as it is done and I have moved on. But, I was directed in my head to find it and share it. When I reread it, although I could feel the pain from the writing, the actual event no longer had me in its clutches. But what I had written a year ago in the beginning of the story was what I was supposed to face. This is what I said: I am going to work into this a bit slow and get some angry feelings off my chest first. But I am going to start with the word that makes me cry every time I write it and for that fact think about it: Innocence. I am choking back the tears right now. Why do people hurt other people….I do not mean just physically? This is what I have been holding on to for my whole life. Why do people hurt other people? It is the crux of every difficulty I have had. It is my trusting and open approach to a relationship with the inevitable hurt that happens when the person does something. It is my sadness and pain when I see conflict and harm being done to the undeserving. It is my frustration with cruel people with self-inflated egos. It is the lack of patience I have in general with things being the way they are.
I am a true innocent in a world of predators. I cannot continue like this and survive. And so I am angry. I prefer my world, but I want to survive. A couple of times in my past when this feeling had manifested in my life, I had an appreciation for why people check out, whether mentally or by self-inflicted death. I used to self-medicate to ease the pain starting at the age of 15. Now, I do not use drugs or booze at all. And this is still very painful for me, no doubt about it. I never had a handle on the essence of why I felt like I did, but now I do. I get it completely. I am angry because the world does not play by my rules. It is not going to change. I can choose to change, I just do not know how. Talk about being vulnerable.
I know this is the next step but before I take it, there is going to be some anger and disappointment that I have to work through. I see my way as the right way. And before you dismiss what I have to say for being egotistical, let me explain my way. I think we should approach our relationships with everything and everyone with love and respect. That is it in a nut shell. I do not think anyone has the right to hurt others, especially for self-gratification. I hate lies. I do not like killing, and I know that is totally unrealistic. But since I am exposing myself here….. I hate hunting, I hate seeing road kill, I can even go so far as saying harvesting living plants bugs me. And so you can see I am a total nut job, I cry when people cut down trees. I loathe the sound of a chain saw. Although I love the colors of fall, and October used to be my favorite month, I hate to see the plants in my garden die. One year I brought in the house as many of the impatiens as I could to keep them going through the winter. This summer, they all had blight and I don’t have one left. When I see cruelty and destruction, it isn’t just a sad feeling, oh no…. it is in deep in my gut. I physically feel ill. This is a whole other discussion for another time.
I feel like I have popped out of another rabbit hole again. I am disoriented and I am not sure what is going to happen next. I will share that there is a sense of peace buried in the turmoil and I know that sounds weird. I call it my compass. It tells me I am on the right path. But I know there are some big hills coming up. AGAIN. When MarDrag said to stop trying so hard, I took it as a failure on my behalf. What I think she was saying is if I just let things come to me, I will get the answers I need. This was what happened. This is a process I need to learn to trust. oh, boy, Trust is not something I do well. I either trust the wrong people and I do not trust myself. And that’s because no one plays by my rules.

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9 thoughts on “Sunday Confessions

  1. My dear friend I have suffered cancer and met death. When I was a young teenager I was abducted by a serial killer. He killed many others, but let me go. We can question everything about life. We can compare everything. But ourselves build up walls so we will not get hurt. But the Universe works for the good of all not just one. So when you say nothing plays by your rules. You assume the world revolves around you. Do not take that wrong. But we can not stop external factors, that we can not control ourselves. Your spiritual teacher is correct. You are the one that has to let your guard down and just be. Can you tell me why the serial killer let me go and not the others???? I can be come the victim or I can become stronger than he is. I would not allow him to. If I dwell on what he did, he wins. He doesn’t get to choose I do. You need to allow people in. My mother used to tell me about death. The only gurantee from the Creator when we were born. Is that we die. The only gurantee. So why are you so shocked when it happens??? She was a good teacher. There is beauty in death. You just do not see it. With death a new beginning is formed. Like you said the leaves die in the fall and everything is dead. But is it really dead? With spring life blooms in all it’s beauty. I am in pain everday of my life and till I die. I can let it conquer me and become the victim. Or I become Me. I prefer me. Just let them in. But it is up to you. We all walk our own journey. No one can walk it for us. They can only help point us in the right direction-Whitecrow

    • I took a chance in writing this that many would not understand. I am so sorry for you pain. Just so you know, it is not death I am afraid of. It is living.

      • We are all afraid to live. I have been where you are many times. I appreciate your concern about my pain. But Please do not feel sorry for me 🙂 The good old mother taught me another lesson. Which I stick by. “FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I”-That there are others in the world suffering worse than I. 🙂 I am not a victim I am Me 🙂 No one said living is easy. I started my blog to help the suffering of the world. Which you are one. To help deal with suffering. Through the eyes of one who has 🙂 It’s okay to be you. It’s okay to have them feelings and let them out. Because it allows you to Just be 🙂 Peace my friend

  2. In no way would I ever think of one who has as much wisdom as you to be a victim. My sorrow is that pain sucks, no matter what kind it is and who has it. I am honored you wrote. I hope you will continue. You are quite the teacher…. keep spreading that gift.

  3. So many have wisdom to offer – certainly Whitecrow and MarDrag and thoughtsalone, and that’s just to name a few. There is another – her name is JANE . . . I think you have met her 😉 I suppose that I could say many things that might smack of wisdom, but there is no need. YOU are doing it. This post, your thoughts – YOU are working it out. Just keep doing it as the desire comes, and what you need WILL be revealed. Peace . . .

  4. Jane, in some ways looking at the way you wrote this post is like looking into a mirror, it is written much the same way most of mine are. I am not trying to compare anything here, I have chronic back pain from an injury that I used to take meds for and recently went back to PT to use their system to overcome my pain. Having said that the pain I go through daily is not as severe or crippling as yours but I believe you have made the right choice to forgo meds or booze to deal with your pain. The world plays by its own rules like you said, something I also still struggle with, I can offer you no more than understanding in this area because I haven’t figured out how I can play by the rules either. I realize my comment has been of little help to you just know I understand a great deal of what you are going through.

  5. writing is a living sanctuary….
    it gives our thoughts a voice so we can see and feel what we think
    your story borders mine very closely even without details in between your lines…
    I took the word “try” out of my vocabulary after I realized I was trying to hard…
    I had a wonderful New Year’s Eve burning bowl ? not sure what I would call it
    I realized when I “tried” or used the word I gave myself a back door to escape and give in or give up…
    I have been “try” free for over three years now…sounds silly but it has helped me…just as I don’t use the word worry, I say “concerned” in each word I was giving the energy to come to me, something to worry about…I took on others energy because of it…
    Your words are filled with words to think about…
    Thank you for sharing …you
    Take Care…You Matter…
    )0(
    maryrose

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