This is going to be hard to write but I think I need to write it. Maybe it will help someone else. I am not sure why, but I am in a real funky place this week. Or maybe it is two weeks. I have written about being in transit again. But what I have not written about is how the transit is making me feel. I have been sharing my angst with my friend and Mentor who has been extremely supportive and I am thankful. For anyone who reads this who is new on the path, I cannot express strongly enough how much it helps to have mentors and guides. Although you may think you are being needy and weak, it is actually a sign of strength to ask for help.
I feel like I am picking a scab. It is covering a huge wound of some sort although I am not sure what it is and I am sure that it does not matter. What I want to talk about is how this is making me feel. When I first started on this journey, all I did was pick at scabs and let them bleed until they healed. I got to the point for a brief moment when I thought I had less to pick at. I was also weary of the work. A profound series of things happened. One was to have a rest from all of this for a while. Unfortunately it lulled me into a false sense of thinking I was done. In truth, it was a short respite. But in that respite, I found some tools for dealing with things like working on breathing better and finding the true voice to listen to. I found my sacred place and learned to calm and just be.
Lately, those things are still with me, but there is more work to be done. And what is happening right now is I am (and it took four attempts to write this) depressed. I am not seeing things clearly and it is affecting my vision and how I am in the world right now. Because we are only a reflection of the vibrations that makes us, I am seeing a reflection of the low vibrations that are happening in me currently. I see my world not as it is, but as a distorted image. I am attracted to the negative because I have a lot of negative energy in my soul right now. It is kind of unfair when you think about it because it is fuel for the fire. You would think that Spirit would provide us with happy thoughts to help soften times when there is so much sadness.
And I know someone will say we make the choice to be miserable. I normally would agree that there is some choice. But it is unreasonable and egotistical to think that it is a reality to be happy and satisfied all the time. And I am not miserable, that is too strong a word for what I feel. I know my world is blessed. My point to this post this morning is to say that it is natural to have moments like this. These are not my words, but wisdom from Mar Drag: “Let yourself feel what you are feeling.” I write this for others but it is words that I need to hear. Because… I feel guilty for feeling like this and it is weighing me down. Instead of facing full on the thing that is bothering me, I am deflecting it. I am feeling worse because I am in this place. I am not sure if that makes sense. Let me try this: many of the books I have read are about finding peace and joy. Yeah! It is great. But what is often missing from those books and even when I talk with people, is the time spent getting there is often not very nice.
We have a culture where being depressed gets medicated. There is a huge market for drugs to dim the feelings of depression. Being medicated is absolutely not the answer. Self-medication like drinking and recreational drugs is not the answer either. I know, I did it for years. Even things like endorphin rushes from extreme exercise are an escape. But our society does not want to deal with fixing the issues that cause depression, so we absolve this pesky little problem by creating medicated zombies.
And why? Because it is easier than facing the pain. We do not want to go through pain in order to heal and we do not want to be around people who are there because it makes us uncomfortable….. oh, that is the word I have been looking for. I am uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable with my own pain.
Because I am not sure what the issue is really, I am seeing all the things in my external world that seem wrong. It is easier, but it is a blanket covering what I really need to deal with. For example, I am very disappointed with my job currently and I keep thinking I need to find a new job. I can barely look at myself in the mirror as I am again appalled by the reflection. I hear criticism in every word spoken to me. I am flighty and my energy is very low. I want to stay in bed and escape by sleeping. But even that is being tampered by dreams and yes…dare I say they are back…charlie horses. Had a real fun one last night. I dreamt I was in a grocery store….nude….reaching for a shopping cart that someone had stolen from me, grasping at a towel trying to cover myself and my leg cramped up.(Have fun with that one, dream analyzers) Funny thing was I did not wake up immediately and remember dreaming about my leg muscle indenting and throbbing and then woke up to realize it was really happening in the now.
I guess my point in this writing was to give myself a break and articulate that whatever is going on is ok. I need to let things be, even when they are not so nice. It is part of being human that we need to accept the insignificant moments of sadness and let them pass through in their own time. Are you listening, Jane?


7 thoughts on “Listening?

  1. I know Jane is listening 😉 And I know what you have written will not only help you but many others. Just keep moving forward – and don’t take the self-judgment with you. Peace . . .

  2. I think maybe some things are becoming clearer for you now. At first it is definitely uncomfortable in a depressing way. It’s like getting your first glasses, it’s like ‘so that’s what I’ve been missing all along, I feel so dumb for not noticing.’ After a while one comes to realize that neither the antagonists nor the platitudes get it quite right. Life is what it is. Once you work through this initial ‘shock’ of seeing good, bad, and indifferent all together, things will (eventually) start looking like less of an out of joint mess and more like a tapestry full of intricate detail. We all go through the first thing you’re experiencing now. Peace of mind comes from learning when to step back from whatever piece of the tapestry we’re focused on at the moment, to refocus on the big picture or its other pieces before we drive ourselves over the manic or depressive edge. Been a rough couple of weeks for me too, so when it has gotten too much I work out, or hold my kids, or read encouraging words, or talk to a friend, or just take in the Sunshine, and it helps me stop focusing on the bad and appreciate the good. I know you weigh my words so consider this: I’m going through something very similar right now, it happens to all of us. All it means is you and I are human, just like everybody else. You’ve got this. I’ve really enjoyed growing with you Jane. You’re all right (that’s a lot coming from me 😉 ). I wish you well on your continued journey. Peace.

    • Your reply was so wonderful and I am so grateful you took the time. And yes, your words mean a lot to me and with good reason. You always say the truth and you are a fair and honest man. I am honored. The fact that you share your feelings and troubles helps me feel that I am on the right path. It is completely different when someone says this is the way and then does not give you directions on how to get there. It is such a gift to have you in my writing world. It has made a huge difference to be able to share what I am going through and receive the guidance from you and others. Sincerely, thanks.

  3. when you speak within your words sometimes its like hearing my own whispers…
    and I sit and re-read for i am always surprised you say out loud the words i look for…
    I descend in my rhyming…and sometimes I will not rhyme….but here today
    you have written me….my moment…( I like the dream LOLs..not the charlie horse I am having them again, I was told once they are growing pains…I sometimes am tired of growing, and my dream last night was a doozy, if i wrote about it, I would get the help line numbers again from concerned people on my state of mind)
    what you say about being grateful but still sad is me…and I am so listening to your whispers today,,,
    Jane…I may not always say anything that matters, but know as I read your thoughts have said what my inner voice is saying….
    yes this a jumble of words tumbling..but thats the state of heart I am in theses days..
    this is an excellent post …more than you know…
    Take care…You Matter….and keep writing …

    • I want you to know how much you response meant to me. I do not always comment on comments because I am not sure the person gets them. I do not usually go back and reread after I have posted comments on other people’s posts. So I hope you get this. Thank you. It means so much to have someone validate what I am writing about and your response was a timely and welcomed message. Thank you. I am with you for sure on our journeys.

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