I am out of synch. I am in some sort of transition or a new layer is opening. It is time for a release of some sort. Not sure what it is at all. I am being guided by a very wise mentor through this process but this morning the feelings were so strong I decided to journal what I feel. Maybe someone else goes through this. I also sort of feel like I am going to explode.
I am not going to spend time proposing what I think the transition is from and where I think I am going. I just want to share the sensations. I woke this morning and being Sunday, I just lay there and thought. I noticed yesterday that I was vibrating ever so lightly. This morning it was incredibly pronounced. We all vibrate, but usually we do not feel it or we would go mad. When I am in transition, I vibrate out of synch. I feel like a washing machine with an uneven load. I laid there and actually let the feeling become more pronounced.
The first time I had felt or became aware of this sensation was when I was going through a very tough time. I was going through my divorce. My contract with the school I was teaching at was not renewed and I had just signed a mortgage for my new home. I should have been in a panic but I remember I just sort of gave up. At that time I was certainly on a different path and did not have the concept of surrender. But I instinctively did that. But I remember the vibrations as they were so pronounced that I was physically shaking. At that time, I just said it was nerves. I was in a transition that was pretty big; no job, new house, no husband after 26 years, and I was alone for the first time in my life. Funny, I was not afraid. I was numb actually.
I remember thinking that the vibrations were a signal of something bad happening. I did not understand quantum physics or metaphysics or spiritualism at all. None of that was on my radar. I was learning about Wicca at the time and not even involved with that much. I did not equate the vibrations with transitions but thought instead they were a message of impending issues.
I settled in my new home and loved it. I was surviving financially even though I was not working. I had made some money on selling my old house and had unemployment insurance coming in. I had help from a dear friend who was going through a hard time herself. I had the most freedom I had ever had in my life and I was truly enjoying it. It is funny when I think back to that time how much fun I had when it could have been a horrible time. I did not worry. But I was not finished transitioning.
The next time I remember the vibrations being very pronounced was about ten months later. I ended up in the hospital with blood clots and I already wrote about that experience. This was a big wake up call for me to get my health in order. I stopped smoking and drinking. Although the Factor IV Leiden was the cause, that activity certainly did not help.
The next time was right after I was home from the hospital. I remember this one very clearly because at that point, I was aware of the vibrations but still misunderstood their meaning. I thought that they were a signal of something really bad coming. This time I can remember feeling them in bed and I got up and went into my living room where I have an oval mirror. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and a voice said “get rid of Doug.” Very clearly, I got the message that it was time to move past the relationship I was in with this gentleman. It was not working and no matter how hard I tried, it was not going to. He was very much like my ex-husband and that should be enough to say why it had to end. He appeared in my life when I did not expect it and it was supposed to be a friendship but there were things about our relationship that made me very unhappy.
At first glance, one would say that this transition was about the external relationship. I have come to know that these vibrations have very little to do with any outside influence or even current situations I am in. They are me changing. For example, going through my divorce was when I FINALLY got the balls to end a very abusive relationship. I decided enough was enough. When I was in the process of selling my house and a few months after the first vibrations I was speaking of, my ex tried to play some stupid games and get his last shots in. They did not work as I did not let them. I changed, not him. The move and divorce was the first major time I surrendered, even though I did not know that was what I did. And I moved and settled into my first totally my own environment. I embraced the good things like my freedom and my friendships. I was truly happy for the first time in many years.
With the relationship with Doug, I had returned to what I was comfortable with but in short order not satisfactory. It did not take 26 years to say his treatment was not acceptable. In his defense, he was not abusive but he also was not always good to me.
Somewhere in my more recent history I learned that the vibrations were an indicator of a change in my being. Since we are all matter vibrating at a speed fast enough to project matter, changing vibrations is natural and common. I have learned to be aware and not frightened by it. I have had these noticeable vibrations a lot this past year and always welcomed the sensation as I knew I was progressing. Someone told me it was like peeling an onion. As each layer gets peeled down and new one is exposed. I think of the vibrations as being speed levels. For example I am going along smoothly and my vibrations, although still occurring, are not apparent as they are steady. I am spinning at the right vibration for the circle I am on in the spiraling path of my life. Then I get to a point of transition and I am coming up to a new circle where the speed limit is a little faster. As I transition, the shift in speed is what I feel.
It is not the external issues or situations at all. It is not good or bad, it just is. I think of the change now as progress and I think it is good. I may have to go through something to resolve whatever is holding me back…And as I typed that, it hit me like a ton. Some of my mentors are going to be nodding and smiling right now.
My biggest physical complaint is my legs do not work. Sometimes I am fine and other times I am almost immobile. When I am stressed, I get charlie horses in my legs. My left ankle swells and I have great pain. I have horrible pain in my feet that comes and goes. But the worse sensation I get, and I am not going to be able to put it in words clearly, is that I feel trapped. I feel and have felt often that someone is grasping my legs and holding me back. Last fall when I first starting working on this, the trapped situation was huge for me. My pain levels fluctuated from mild to horrific and it was all in correlation to what I was going through with my path and healing. I have not had charlies now for almost a month. My biggest issue this summer was the spider bite on my toe which paralyzed my foot and which STILL bothers me often. But just this week, I noticed that feeling of not being able to move my legs again. No pain, no charlies. Just lead in my legs. They are tired and heavy. My left ankle and foot swelled up even though I did not injure it. And if it was water, both ankles should have swelled. This is not uncommon for me to have swelling in the one ankle but this was the first time in a while and it was only like that for about four hours.
So the big ah ha is that I am my own impediment. I manifest slowing down this transition that is indicated by the vibrations by having the legs and feet issues. Wow, we are amazing beings. I think it is a hoot that now I can see myself for my own conditions and issues as if I was separated from it. Like I am the doctor evaluating me as a patient. HA! I have to surrender to this process and I do without fear for I know I will have a good outcome. I am not afraid anymore. Fortunately I have great help. It is so much easier to face our lives when we know we have the love and support of fellow travelers and guides. And I am very grateful.