Another way to look at it:

Yes, I know bitterness and pain are profitable for some. It validates their victimhood and lets them feel like heroes for what they tell themselves they’ve overcome.
Chances are you’ve made some bad choices along the way and had some bad luck, but the fact that we misinterpret our experience in Life does not make it otherwise.
http://thoughtsalone.com/2013/09/18/more-hard-truth-your-bitterness-is-your-fault/#comment-2284
This is a posting from my one of my favorite bloggers. He has supported me with thoughtful comments and I think very highly of him. Sometimes he writes passionate implorations to his readers to shape up. I can hear his frustration in his words as he has found the solution that works for him. And he is blessed. His post at first upset me as it sounded like he was scolding his readers. And because I personalize so much, I took it to heart. He starts his blog with examples of situations or conditions that people should re-evaluate their truth and stop blaming others for their circumstances. I agree, and yet…I don’t. So I guess I better explain myself.
I went the other night to a wonderful seminar presented by one of my mentors. She was amazing. There was quite a turn out to hear her speak. Although I knew a brief bit of her history, I did not know the depth of what she went through. I am not going to share her story as she will with the world very soon when her book is published. And yes, we all paid to hear her speak. She has recently moved out of town and is missed very much, so we gladly paid to be in the audience as she creates her series of workshops. She has healed many souls and guided people to heal themselves. Yes, she is going to make money on her story. I support her completely.
Everyone has a story. But there are some who have no clue what the truth is because they have systematically buried it. We as humans have an amazing capacity to mental close off our reality and fictionalize our world in order to survive. But the body remembers. It manifests the truth in illness and chronic diseases. Often the symptoms occur and the person falls into the trap that the only way out is to become heavily medicated. And that creates even more problems. Unless you have experienced the frustration and anger of losing the ability to move and do the activities you like because of illness, you cannot understand the frustration and yes…victimhood.
So how do heal? You have to dig and expose your truth. And when you do that, you have to heal from it. I must explain before all the folks get all bent out of shape about “digging up your past”. I am not saying you have to get every gory detail of some infliction or abuse you may have suffered. But there is proof that having a sense of how you react to cues will allow you to reprogram your neuro-pathways so that you do not react to sensations and physical cues which can manifested as an illness. If you learn a reaction to something from your past, but you have buried the reason why you react, how will you learn to stop reacting? It won’t click. For instance, I react when I am stressed by pulling up and in like a baby does. I did not know that was what was causing my pain in my legs and the chronic inability to move, walk and other activities. I know something happened to me when I was under the age of three. I do not know what, but I had to accept something created this reaction which is cued without my awareness. I had to accept that something happened that I have buried but I had to admit there was some trauma. My sense of constant fear had manifested in my body with a reaction of an infant. And when I started digging into my past, I unearthed a lot. I was able to unbury a lot of trauma which was painful to go through, but I was able to do that and move on. It is healing for me to know that the pain in my body was from being in a constant state of fear which caused me to freeze as in flight, fight or freeze. This is not going to be a lecture on neuroscience because I am certainly not qualified. Although, I am fascinated…..
My point is, sometimes you got to get to the root to grow the right tree.
When I read Thoughtsalone’s blog, I had an immediate reaction of being upset by his words about victimhood and being a hero when they overcome their plight, whatever it is. Well….YES…they are heroes. I am a hero. All the men and women who come to the realization that they are whole and work on healing themselves are heroes. Yes Sir, they are! It is easy to be a victim, very easy. It takes great courage to face your reality and say, “I am not going to live like this.”
And yes, those who share their story are not victims anymore when they say, “this is what I did to heal.” It is the best medicine, more powerful than any chemical that can be ingested. Because it is Love. Love of themselves to get better and love enough to share it with their fellow travelers. It takes a lot of courage to admit failure even if you overcome it. They are the light that shines for us who are on the path of healing.
I have never heard anyone say they did not get better without Love. Those who feel like they lack Love will struggle whether it is external or internal. We all want to have someone in our lives who loves us human to human. This is a separate issue than the Love from the Devine. When you have someone, it is easy to forget the emptiness that loneliness can produce. It is easy to criticize those who are going through something and suffering with a broken heart. We say platitudes and tell them to move on. It is the same thing with self-love. If you do not know what it is and what it feels like, it can be incredibly difficult to discover. Telling someone an apple tastes fabulous when they have never eaten one is a lesson in futility. You have to taste an apple to know how delicious it can be. But one can imagine the pleasure especially when culture dictates it. The desire to possess a partner manifests a lack which can be pervasive. But we forget that when we are incased in a loving relationship. And discovering self-love can be even more difficult when the “love” you have known in your past was actually abusive. But it was all you had and so you equate the constant self-criticism and self-deprivation as love. This is why I feel sharing our personal stories is important, especially when the story includes overcoming hardship like a dissolved relationship. It is not living in victimhood. I would rather work with a teacher who has walked the walk and gets it. Then when they say it is time to move on, I am not feeling like a failure. I know they have gotten over their issues and I know there is a chance for me to be successful too. To just say get over it will not cut it.
And discovering the Love of the Devine or Spirit or whatever you wish to call it can be even more difficult. Some of us have been searching for a very long time to discover that center. There were times when in my past I was taught that there was only one way to Devine Love only to realize it was not true. In my attempts I joined organizations, congregations, cults or covens, only to find myself totally on the outside looking in. I thought it was something wrong in me. But Devine Love can be very elusive as well. It is like not being able to find your glasses which you know you set down or they are still on your face. Sometimes it takes a gentle hand to say, here they are. Same with Devine Love. It takes a gentle teacher to help find what is right in front of them.
Thoughtsalone’s blog is very powerful and moving. He is a teacher amongst us struggling students. We all are students in the scheme of life and no one has all the answers. There are different ways of looking at the process and methodology of survival and no one answer is right. It is something we have to discover for ourselves. The one connector is compassion. I teach clinicians and teachers. I was told there is no way you can teach compassion. I disagree. You teach compassion by example. You can talk about empathy and boundaries to help them bring their practice into focus. But the only way you can teach compassion is by being. And like those who speak of their survival of victimhood, it illuminates that this is the way. So yes, in general, I agree with the blog, I worry that some may react to the words of “Laugh at yourself, then kick yourself, then hug yourself, and move on.” If only it were that easy. And I know Thougtsalone will not be upset that I responded to his post with my own as I know he is a compassionate teacher and welcomes discussion.

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4 thoughts on “Another way to look at it:

  1. Thank you for such a full and well articulated thought. It is good to see the passion of your response :). You make some good points, the best of which is teaching or leading by example. I applaud your efforts to figure out your own reactions to life and move on, it gets to the point I was trying to make. Rather than wallow in bitterness, you are in the midst of the process of letting go of it. That’s a good place to be. There are some who hold onto their bitterness and convince others to do the same and encourage them to validate their suffering rather than truly move on. It is those (of which we all can be at times) I was trying to encourage to rethink their ways.
    As an aside, I don’t dwell on what I’ve been through specifically because I’ve been through it. I haven’t forgotten it, indeed remembering it helps me appreciate the good. Everyone has their own story and it seems we all are quite adept at focusing on the negative parts. Many many, however, have trouble remembering the good parts or seeing the good in the world. Most of the time, I present the beauty as a reminder and example for myself and others. Every once in a while I give a boot to the butt to remind us all that the worst, ugliest thing in the world is our own negative outlook.
    Life is hard, but not impossible or we wouldn’t still be here, and it is also beautiful. In short, it is what it is. Thanks for the post, Jane. You have a loving way of reminding me my Ranger ways won’t be understood by everyone ;). I’ll keep trying to learn to temper them. (You’d be amazed how far I’ve come! LOL) I wish you and your readers a wonderful day (it will be whether we recognize it or not) and peace. 🙂

    • I know you are a gentle soul who wishes everyone all the best. I felt assured you would welcome comments and I always am grateful for your input and support.

  2. Wow this is a really beautiful post and I can relate so much. You’re so right that if a person hasn’t experienced something, they can’t be told how beautiful it is, just as if a person has experienced it for a long time, they may forget what it is like to not have it at all. You know that my heart is broken right now and it is even harder for me that I have never found a true human connection – all my relationships have been abusive in some way. I know that I need to love myself and also to know myself as part of the Divine, but somehow that is little consolation. I had a taste of something and now it has gone. There is no escaping the pain from that. Thank you for grounding and normalising my suffering.

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