It was just a short year ago that I walked into the therapist’s office totally not expecting anything great to come from it. I figured that I had nothing to lose and that if he could help me with my chronic pain, it would be a miracle. I had no preconceived ideas of what he would do other than some exercises to help maybe strengthen my muscles. I had no idea the door I was truly opening was that to my soul and I was going to walk down a path as glorious as I have. I realized as I was starting to type this that this was going to become a celebration. It has been a journey thousands have taken but is so individualized each time that it is totally not predictable where it will go. And in celebration I honor all who have guided me.
Those who knew me before could tell you that I was a chronic worrier. I worried everything to its minute issue until I blew it up into an uncontrollable panic. I was terrified of everything, everyone and had absolutely no confidence in anyone especially me. My self-worth did not exist at all. I worried about things that had not happened until I manifested them into the ugly situation I was really trying to avoid. The year was spent in very deep analysis which often was very painful and traumatic. I did not start written this blog until I was very far into it. I look back and think how much happened in such a short time frame. When I was in the midst of it all, it seemed I would never get to the other side or as my guide called it, out of the rabbit hole. And much like child birth, I have forgotten the depths of despair I was often in. I only now feel the release and joy from unburdening so much. I know there will be days of hard work and struggles, but this is about celebrating now.
I have to honor the five main guides who systematically have supported me in different and yet similar areas of my path. Without you, this would never have happened and I would not be who I am today. I knew shortly into my journey how blessed I was to have such support. I also knew that in my time, I would pay it forward and devote my life to helping others on their journey. My gratitude runs very deep and you have all been an inspiration.
When I took a moment to really think back, I was surprised at how much I had forgotten of the first months. The inner struggling of releasing and letting go was huge. I did face plant after face plant only to be gently picked up and brushed off and then guided to the next hill. But I kept on. And I kept on because someone believed in me. I hope you know how important that was. I did not believe in me. It was your strength that kept me going until I discovered mine. I celebrate and honor your patience and compassion.
But I did discover my own strength. It is sometimes elusive in its power and I am learning to hold on to it and become more consistent with it. I am learning so much about myself that was buried deep and covered. There is more to release but it is not smothering me and keeping me in a place where there is no growth. I understand for the first time what inner joy feels like. I can understand why people would not want to live without it. It does not come from tangible things like money, houses, high status and especially career. I can see how someone who lives simply, (I was going to say in poverty, but that is an oxymoron) has a rich and full life if they have joy.
The irony of my year was this conception I had that there was this place I had to get to. I had to learn and study and work so very hard and yet I felt like I was swimming against the current for the longest time. And all this paddling was making things worse because I was focused on what I thought I lacked. But I could never figure out what it was I lacked. I looked everywhere. Every once in a while this early summer, I would feel it and then it would disappear, which in a way made it worse. I focused on lack instead of just being. This concept of “just being” was my bane for most of my early journey. Looking back, I think I was running so hard in this imaginary race I had in my head that I went right past the prize. Going to the River gave me a chance to stop and breathe. It connected. Now I am learning to recall that calm and stillness in my real life which is chaotic and cacophonous just like everyone else’s. I realize that when I am still the Light shines the brightest. That’s the real prize.
I am also just learning that just being me is actually pretty cool. There is great freedom in it. I have a lot to learn about self-acceptance but compare to last year…well there is no comparison. I loathed everything about myself. I can remember the first time I met my first guide and thought what a cocky fellow he was. But, I wanted to be like him. I see that inner strength and assurance in all of my guides and again, I focused on my lack of it. They could not have taught me to be like them and none tried. I had to discover that inner core and believe in me.
So to all who have been with me this past year: I hope you all know how grateful I am. I hope you know my love for you all runs very deep. I honor you by being who I am, the person you all saw and see. This world is a better place because you all are in it. I thank all the fellow bloggers who support me and offer encouragement. It is an honor to write amongst you and share our thoughts. I thank my dear friend who has supported me and joined me in fun and crazy activities. I am indeed very lucky and blessed. And as I step onward, I know I am in good hands and surrounded with love. Thank you.