Struggling

It takes a consciousness of believing something that does not occur intuitively for it to become reality. In fact, it goes against the grain of what you think is real and is laughable in the perspective of ignorance.

When you shine a light of wisdom and compassion, others see it and they want their own, because it is beautiful, peaceful and satisfying.

I had a turning point I think this weekend. I am not going to go into what happened as I want to wait until I am more sure of what I am sensing, and what may come of it all. But it is profound. I am going to throw out some thoughts that have come up during this process. Please comment in if you will. This is truly a discovery process.
One of my biggest fears as an adult is that I am so gullible. I have been like that since I can remember. I want to believe in the wonders of the world so bad that when someone shares something magical, I am always in. But then when I discover the reality, it is usually horrific and very damaging. But I still fall easily even at this age. I have been the butt of many a joke and fib and the results have usually cost me something important like trust in others. It is also a factor in my lack of self-esteem. I have been there so many times that I should have “REALLY?” tattooed on my forehead.
For example: the Easter Bunny. Anything to do with animals has always been a passion for me. Santa never rang true for me. Christmas was never a wonderful event in our house usually because of my father’s drinking. Seems this holiday really got him in his mood. My mother however loved Easter because of spring and the flowers. She always made a big deal about the holiday. When I was eight, I still believed in the Easter Bunny. Not because of the candy either, but the magic of the eggs and colors and flowers being something a furry creature created. I was warned, as children often are threatened with, to be good because the Easter Bunny was coming. One of my neighbors was a young man who had no siblings and was just thoughtless. I went over to their house as I often did and he had hanging off the back porch, snared on a rope, a rabbit he had killed. I can remember this was one of the first times I had seen an animal dead like that. I remember crying my eyes out and the neighbor then,(and you wonder why people are so cruel), told me that it was the Easter Bunny. I was shocked and horrified. I am over the Easter Bunny part, but I still have no compassion for hunters who string up animals as a trophy. I hate when I see deer strung up on cars and trucks. It was a long time for me to get over the fact that a forest animal was not in charge of all the decorations and beauty of Easter.
Because I choose to see the good in all, I set my self-up for major disappointment and heart ache when I trust people I should not. I have a poor filter for that. They on the other hand see me coming. It is like I have a sign on me. There was a girl in my high school year book who wrote a lengthy apology for doing something to me back then and to this day I have no idea what it was. I almost never see the evil in people until it is too late. That is because I have an extremely hard time believing people are evil. I think why be that way when being true and honest is so much easier. And when I say evil, any transgression to another being is a degree of evil. To me lying is evil. I may not like what someone says to me, but I have a harder time getting over it when I find out it is a lie. Then the damage runs much deeper and trust is gone.
I am at a place in my path where a new concept has had a bright light focused on it. My teacher has led me to a discovery that I am having a hard time accepting because it is so powerful. But it is pretty out there. However, when she was talking to me, her words went right to my center core. What she said was truly was a moment of rapture and a huge relief for me. It resolved a life issue. It was incredibly powerful. But…. I have to accept a concept that is pretty farfetched. But I believe in things like that very easily. I still hold on to the concept of the Easter Bunny. I think magick exists completely because it makes life wondrous.
I am at a cross point in my journey where if I have to accept some things that are not tangible. They require me to do something I do not do at all easily. This is the hardest thing of all I have done so far: I have to believe something about myself which is pretty powerful and amazing. I want to believe and I want what was told to me to be my truth very badly. But something is holding me back and fighting my ability to release and accept. And that is fear. Fear of waking up and finding this all was a joke. Fear that there really is no path, no ascension, no enlightenment and that all this awakening stuff is the newest ruse thrust on our world. It is not that I do not trust the teachers, mentors and guides that have been with me either. But because I am at such a huge point in this journey, I do not want to find out that I am again standing on the neighbor’s porch looking at the dead Easter Bunny. I do not think I could take it.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. To believe in beauty of thought and action, as well as in art is a good thing. There may not be an Easter bunny as such, but many things have a metaphorical truth and value to them which is not evident in a literal sense of things. You may be wiser than you know, although wisdom also demands courage, which is another quality we must develop.

  2. Not sure what the truth is you’re trying to wrap your mind around, but I share three thoughts that might provide perspective. 1) As I have said often, I don’t believe in relative or personal truth. There is only one ultimate truth that is all encompassing. We each only see a part of it, so neither you nor your teacher know it all. None of us do. 2) As my father often told me, “you’re no better than anyone else. You’re no worse either.” A lot of people fear the first part, but then get excited when they think they’re better than someone else. Likewise, they tend to look up to others for answers and end up forgetting the second part. Understanding both parts is where true courage comes from. 3) From the poem “If” by Rudyard Kipling, “…if all men count on you but none too much…” This also goes both ways. You’re human – you have good points and bad, you do right and wrong. So does everyone else. If you count too much on others, you are doing both them and yourself a disservice because people are not 100% dependable (goes back to my first point that none of us know full Truth and none of us control everything). If you allow others to count on you too much, you’re not being fair to them or yourself either (refer back to my second point – we’re all equally human). Hope this helps. I wish you well in whatever it is you’re working through. 🙂

  3. Awakening is a reality that happens many times in a lifetime. It comes in stages. It is the first awakening that opens our eyes to a possible path. But we have to make this path ourselves. In the beginning we might feel comfortable following the trail of a teacher, but after soem time, we will decide to fork the road, and do it on our own. I don’t know anything about enlightenment. I was told that if you make this the goal of your path, that you will not reach it, but that is also somebody else’s discovery.
    For me truth unravels, again and again. Always a larger chunk of ‘my’ truth. If absolute Truth exists, then it is impossible to grasp this truth with our mental mind. And we will see a subset of it, like a scientific world of view, or something else, And while on our own path, every awakening will make us see a little larger and different view of this Truth and make it a little ‘my’ truth. At least, that’s how I think and feel things are.

Really would like your input.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s