This week has been a difficult one. I am not sure if it is just me or others. I think it is not just me. It has been very hot and humid here, which is not what happens in fall in our area. It has been cold at night up until two days ago and now has been in the 90’s for the past two days. I am hoping the predicted storms will clear the air. I wish it was predicted for my life as well. There will be storms, not so sure of the clearing of my soul.
I am not sure why I am in turmoil and if turmoil if the word. Things are popping up as if to day “Look at me.” The problems taken within the singular concept are not world shattering events but when strung together they make a might tempest.
The old me would allow these interactions to build to the point where I would erupt and then break down into a fit of victimhood and pity. Now, I stand my ground and hold my boundaries and make sure that the offenders know they have crossed the line. Yesterday, I was calm in my retort but firm that whatever was going on was not acceptable. My whole day was spent at work defending a project that was thrust upon me by a much higher up who, when it was questioned, abdicated and left me swinging. Then someone else with a personal agenda joined in and fueled a much unneeded fire. This produced a series of nasty and totally inappropriate emails with tones of criticism and backstabbing. It was very unpleasant. I made two comments. One explained how the project came to me and the second my role in it. I allowed the interaction between two administrators to play out and it got to the CEO. This is their fight not mine. Meanwhile the little (and I struggle with an appropriate word) instigator who started all this added little comments including her superior one on how she had trained me. This put me over the top as she not only had not trained me on the process; she purposefully excluded any training on the process for the past two years. She has had a personal agenda when it comes to me since I started. I am doing the job she did for ten years and by all reports doing it better….and that includes her boss who has said that. Instead of publically calling her out, or not saying anything in an attempt to keep the peace, I wrote her back a profession reply that said exactly that she had not trained me. I listed her meetings where I was excluded as she took over the process and then handed it back to me to run. There was more to my reply which only went to her and our direct bosses. The string of emails went silent.
One administrator kept coming into my office to talk or asking me to review his replies I was not copied in on. I knew this was not about the project at that point and more of a power struggle in high command. About a half hour into the silence, I received an email from the higher of the two who was so upset originally and who had chewed me out. He apologized and stated how much he appreciated my work at the agency. There was more to this. He had only sent this to me. I sent it to my boss because of some BS that had happened a month ago. I wanted her to see the resolve since she had been copied in, of course, on the accusations.
That previous storm was totally based on lies and someone’s accusing me of unprofessional conduct. I stood up for myself and defended my honor, but it did not matter. The details did not affect the outcome. However, this week someone else who is held in high regard went to my boss to tell her that the claims were all false and the person who supposedly made the accusations was the aggressor and the one who has been consistently unprofessional. She felt she had nothing to lose as she was fed up and was leaving the company. She did not say anything about knowing what had transgressed with me but came at it as part of why she was leaving the company on Tuesday. She was tired herself of being treated poorly by this woman and was so upset by her conduct towards coworkers in general but especially me. I know what she said as she told me. She is a River Rat and we worked closely together. Her mentor is my boss. I wonder if I will ever hear about it what was said in my defense. I doubt it.
The storm clouds followed me home. There is an ongoing situation which I am at a loss to describe and I do not want to add to the negative energy that surrounds it by writing about it. But the evening climate changed when a dear friend from high school stopped by. She lives out of state and comes back yearly to visit family and friends. She is an amazing lady who travels extensively with and without her family. She drives alone across the country to get here. I think she is so brave. Again, this is coming from someone who will not drive ten miles to the other side of the city because it is unfamiliar and frightening. We had a delightful dinner as she told us about her foray in to a past lives regression session she had. Fascinating stuff. Her visit was the best part of my week.
As I concluded my evening in my garden chair, I realized how tired I was and how much I hate conflict. I know that it is part of life, but I am tired of petty drama and inflated egos. I know that issues are being placed in my path for me to analyze and determine which way do I go. These are hard choices and I am upset right now with having these conflicts in my face. I went to a place of feeling sorry for myself and thought I need to do this to get it out of the way. I went to bed spent and frustrated because I really started to beat myself up. I still have not learned to not go to being the victim, but I do not relish the feeling at all. Let’s see what this day brings. I wish you all a calm and peaceful day.