I feel like I am fighting myself. Yesterday, I really wanted to stay in bed and hide but that is not an option. I slept quiet, woke up, and had that instant panic sensation for about two seconds and then I got out of bed. It was gone. There has been this constant battle of my head and emotions since we came back from the River. It was so easy to be quiet up there. I am fighting every moment to be within and still and it is like the more I try the harder it is. I am fighting myself completely. The more I want to release and surrender, the louder and stronger the mind is chattering away. It is a contest of control. I am trying to let go and the more I do, the more my mind yells crap. The stuff that pops in is mostly negative, what if’s and worries. I stop paying attention and it sneaks in and spirals around until I catch what is floating around. Usually I sense the tension in my body starting to build. The interesting part is that I watch myself like I am a separate unit from this being who is fighting herself. (When I wrote that I thought, “wack job” and this is what I mean about the fighting going on)
One thing I have been upset about the mess in my house. It is not that I am living in a sty, I just have too much stuff. When Joe moved in he brought a whole household with him. I also have a lot of the stuff my family has passed down. One room I refer to as the museum as it is all antiques, china, silver and crystal I have inherited. It is beautiful stuff but totally useless other than to look at it. I want my old spare bedroom back as a place for me since the garden is going to be gone soon with winter. It was my step daughter’s room for her time with us and then when she moved out the room became a trash dumpster. It is where everything goes when I do not want to deal with it. There is paint and tools and lamps and so on. I also have clothes I do not wear in the dressers. I have cleaned it out somewhat and it seems to return to its state of messy collections. I worked on it a bit yesterday and I was getting so frustrated because I hate to clean. Hate it. I like the results, but I hate the time and effort it takes to remove dirt and I am allergic to dust and my eyes and nose swell shut. Good times. I do not have that gene many of my friends have about cleaning.
I went out to the back garden to finish something on the shed and to escape the work needed in the room. It is peaceful and quiet and I have not sat there much at all because of what happened out there. Another story. But the chipmunks were all over and the squirrels were running around and it was cooler than the house. I sat down to reflect on how really nice it is out there and how sweet the shed looks finished. I wanted to just be still and enjoy all the beauty. I could not stay with it. I kept fighting to be quiet. I was perseverating on the house. I desperately want the room to be available and I was worrying about all the physical work that needed to be done to get it back to where it was. Then I started worrying about the rest of the house and all that needed to be cleaned out and I went on this mind journey filled with dread which kept getting worse. But there were two chipmunks that were having a ball and did not seem to mind me being there. Without trying I focused on them and my mind faded and became quieter. Nature for me is the balm I need to sooth me. There was a soft breeze and the area is covered with a canopy of trees that were softly singing with their leaves. I sat still as not to scare the chipmunks and quieted my mind. Very unobtrusively this thought came to me about a resolution that would make my life and current issue about the house go away. Bingo. I went in and texted a new friend my request but I was not sure at all if she would be interested. She was very interested and came over to survey the job and actually started in with a plan for reorganizing and sorting things out. The house issue was resolved completely by the end of the afternoon. And the outcome has an added benefit of getting to know this person better and building a relationship with her.
I wanted to share this story this morning because I think it is important for a couple of reasons. I am amazed with what I do not know and I am thrilled with what I am learning. A year ago I would not have been able to even grasp the concept of stillness and quieting the ugly voice in my head. I say ugly because there is another voice now that just floats in that is wonderful. I am one of those “have to see it to believe it” people. When I read before about all of these concepts of surrender and stillness, it was as foreign to me as Russian and I never thought in a million years I would get it. As I have said before I wish there had been a better manual to read…. But I laugh because I know that this journey has to be taken with each individual footfall. So I share my thoughts in this blog as a testimonial that things do work if you stay with it. I share my feelings and frustrations in hopes that maybe someone might feel better to know there are others out there who are in a similar place and that it is ok. It is amusing to me to think that we are all really connected but how much work it takes to actually feel and get that concept. It makes me smile. I love irony.