I think one of the hardest issues I have to get over is trust. I have a series of words that I often think about and this is the Kahuna of words. But it is not just a word for me, it is the action that I must learn to deal with. I think I have two approaches to trust: one I do it too easily and one I do not do it at all. I know this is a paradox but then life is. I am learning about balance, another word I do not do well in practice. It goes along with my favorite B word, being…just being.
I have been working with going up a spiral path. I thought a year ago that when someone said path it was level and may have curves in it but it progresses linearly. Not so. It is actually a series of circles that form in a spiral and you progress upward as you go around. On the levels are the people who help you obtain the knowledge you need to continue upward. You never really go backwards but sometime the climb is a bit slow.
Well true to me, I wanted to race up the spirals. I never want to wait for anything and we will add patience to the list of things I am working on. When I first stepped on to the spiral it left me dizzy. As I starting the spinning ascent, I had a great teacher and guide to help me. Often times I would want to run ahead and would end up tripping and falling on my face. He would reach out, dust me off and ask that I slow down. There was no way I was prepared to do that and so I repeated this many, many times. But in order to even begin to move I had to do something that when I first began I did not do AT ALL. And that was trust. I remember the exact moment when I knew I could trust him. He leaned into me to do something and without looking at me and in a low voice he said he cared. A sensation went through me which I now know what it is but back then I had no clue. But I decided to trust with my full heart and it was the right thing to do. This man has been there for me completely. There have been times when the climb was not smooth and he would say something and I would be hurt. But I would eventually see the wisdom and learn. My ascent was rapid and I worked at it like a marathon runner. And because of the work I was physically challenged. We worked through so much it amazes me to think where I was a year ago. I will never be able to express my gratitude for his support and compassion and I have to trust that he knows this.
I have other great sages who have been on this spiral. And every time, there would be a moment of deciding whether or not to trust them. When I did and I let them guide me, it has always been a wonderful miracle. There were moments of doubt and I would pause to think do I trust this? And when I did, it would always produce momentum up the spiral. Somewhere from within me, I felt the need to do something with my writing. I remember right now the feeling I had when I went to publish the first post of this blog. I got up and walked around only to return to my computer and with a poised and shaking finger worried about hitting the publish button. By the way, worry is also on the list. This used to be my “MO”. I worried about everything.
But because I did trust that it was the right thing to do, I hit publish and never looked back.
Along this part of my journey I met a great group of writers who every day stop in to read and comment on my post. I trust their input and this band of authors have become very dear to me. Part of my daily confirmation is the comments and input I receive from them. I have been honored by two of the wordsmiths who have allowed me to work directly with them. Rising Hawk is a great warrior, spiritually and in real life. His book and time spent in correspondence with me helped me to achieve the next progression up my spiral path. Currently I am working with MarDrag who is an amazing female shaman who is teaching me techniques and skills to help me with my upward climb. I had to trust myself in order to reach out and ask for their help. This was a big step for me because I rarely ask for things for myself. It is because I do not trust people because I am afraid they will disappoint me. Both MarDrag and Rising Hawk, I use their pen names to honor them, have receive my utmost trust and faith and they have not disappointed me or let me down in any manner. I am very grateful.
Trusting me, trusting my inner voice has been difficult. I have a very loud and caustic inner voice that likes to scream in my head. I have lived with this voice my whole adult life. It has drowned out the other caring and loving voices that are slowly becoming apparent to me. These caring and validating voices are the ones I need to trust. Sadly, they have not been strong enough to overpower the other voice who says all the things that are wrong with me. And I parrot those thoughts in my own self-talk. I validate the voice every time I comment how stupid or ugly I am or any lack I articulate. It is easy to trust this voice because the society we live in accepts that self-degradation in women as a rite of passage. We hone this to perfection. I also know I do it because I think I am protecting myself. I figure if I say it first, I will beat anyone else from saying. It just shows the lack of trust I have in my fellow associates that they will say something positive. But because I articulate my lack or failures I teach them that this is what I am. And it isn’t. See why the path is circular; we go around and around sometimes.
Sometimes, I want to trust and I put trust where I should not. I have learned the hard way that there are people out there who you should not trust. Because I am as sensitive to hurt as a five year old, it digs deep into my core when someone I trusted lies to me. I usually give them more chances to prove themselves because I have an innate sense I want them to be honest and forthright. But I am learning to trust my gut sooner and let them off my path so they may continue on their own journey. It is a hard lesson to learn because I internalize this loss as a failure in me. But then that is when I trust the wrong voice. And I go once more around.
Trusting me has been very difficult. I feel very alone right now, like a small child whose parent has let go of their hand in a crowd. I know it is temporary and due to being exhausted from my year of climbing. I am trying to cull through the voices in my head to seek the ones whose voice is totally to my benefit. I need to trust that this will happen and that for a while there may be some shouting from the one who is so loud and unhealthy as I learn to mute it. This process is like exercise to me. I have to work at it very hard. I do damaging self-talk so well that I do not even know I do it. I am trusting the guidance of my mentor to help show me the way to clear out the spirits that are not healthy in order to make room for the strong spirit warrior guide who I so long for to be there. I have to put a lot of trust into this and it is not easy because there is so much junk to clear out. I need to call for a mental roll-off dumpster.
This weekend, I spent a moment in the sun on my chaise lounge. I was resting for a moment of gardening and it beckoned. I settled back for a while feeling the sun’s rays reaching right into my sore muscles and relaxing them. I had not been there too long when out of the corner of my eye I saw movement. It was a frequent visitor to my garden, a grey squirrel. He scurried along the telephone wire clearly with a plan of action. He got to the pole which was directly in front of me and about four feet away. He paused only for a slight moment as if to refocus on his mission. I thought to myself how absolutely cool that he was so close. I figured he would continue on the wire on the other side, but that was not his goal. He climbed down the pole, pausing momentarily to assess his safety and then stopped at the point where the fence meets the pole. He turned directly at me and at this point he is eye to eye. He starts chattering at me. It was a scolding like I have never had from an animal. At first it startled me and then I realized he was telling me something and loudly. He continued for about a minute with this chatter and then, I hear the rumble of paws as my fierce protectorate could not stand it any longer. Bishop charged the squirrel. He came out off the porch and to my side in a flash that was reminiscent of his youth. The squirrel left and I sat in a cloud of fur and dust adoring my canine guard. I have learned that when an animal does something like chatter at you, you should listen. So I looked up squirrel animal guides and I have copied what I found. I think we do get the messages and guidance we need when we trust.
Squirrels are very trusting and are one of the few (wild) animals that will eat out of a person’s hand. This symbolizes a need to let down your defenses, and to learn to trust more. Trust issues can be present in all aspects of a person’s life from personal intimacy to trusting the universe. Because the squirrel is always prepared, if this is your power animal you must realize and remember that you will be taken care of. Building a strong sense of trust where it is missing would complement the power of this medicine.


2 thoughts on “Trust

  1. Never alone . . . the hand is always outstretched, warm and gentle and strong . . . to pull you up the spiral. Whose hand? It doesn’t matter if there is a name, just trust that it is there, waiting, and grab it. Like the squirrel, trust that you will be “taken care of.” Namaste . . .

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