Acceptance is not something I do easily. I have experienced a lot of difficult hurdles as we all do and never thought about what part of acceptance is in the approach to moving on. I always lower my head and charge in. I see an issue, and I go for it not always assessing the environment, the climate, the people involved or thinking about the outcome in a clear manner. I try to never say, what if this happens? Because I know if I do, I may not do whatever it is I am hell bent on doing. I never thought about acceptance as being the ground work for success. It was very apparent last night when I was doing a guided meditation with MarDrag and where we were going is not where I ended up. What happened was truly disappointing to me but a sign of something I need to work on. MarDrag’s teachings and work is very profound and if you are looking for a great guide I highly recommend her.
Early in our conversation I was talking about the isolation which has been such a big part of my life. From early childhood, I have felt like I was not part of the group. With my family, it was and remains very obvious to those who have known the family as a group that I do not belong. This was a big issue for me. But by working on so many things, I realized I do not want to be part of that group. And although it is tough to admit, I do not want to commune with my siblings. I had to accept the fact that the relationship was toxic and unhealthy for me. I accept that this is a better way for me to continue in my life. I also had to accept that they have not changed, will not change and are who they are. I do not have to like it, but I also do not have the right to judge it or try to change them. I have to accept it and then decide what I am able to live with, which is they go their way, I go mine.
With my past marriage, I help on until my fingertips bled. I did not want to accept that it was a very unhealthy situation to be in and so I did not get out of it until I accepted that it was totally over. I knew actually for years that this was what I should have done, but I did not want to admit because I saw the failure as mine. This by the way is a common situation for people in abusive situations. They blame themselves for the failure or condition they are in and do not see the reality because acceptance is too hard. The acceptance is that the person who is being abusive is a monster and most often the abuser is someone who was supposed to be a strong nurturing factor in their life. So the person flips the situation around and says “why am I so bad that this person is doing this to me? I accept that I am the cause of this misery.” The truth is the other person is the cause and the acceptance is much harder to get to. Then you also have to accept that you too have a part in the situation and that is all you can change. Often the only answer is to get out which brings up a whole cache of issues.
I am learning to accept a whole new paradigm for my life. It is a choice I made and I have no doubt that it is a good direction. But now I have a group of different things to accept. One of the things I talked about last night is the isolation I feel. This concept was mentioned by fellow blogger Thougtsalone. I explained that I was hoping to find an acceptance and to feel like I was part of a community but instead, found this journey to being even more isolating. It was hard to explain. It is not a feeling of disconnection, which is what I had felt before, but more of a sense of being an outcast. That sounds so dramatic, but I could not think of a better word. And this feeling comes from being with people who are on their own path, have the tee shirt and are learning and participating in the exact same activities I am.
Then MarDrag explained something I had not thought of. Was it they who cast me out or was it the old me who expected this behavior and put it out there? And that hit like a brick. Of course it is me. And how can I expect people to accept me for what I am if I do not? That was huge. There is a part of me who wears humility for skin. I have been taught to be humble and self-effacing and have been like that my whole life. It of course was reinforced by the perpetrators and predators of my life. I am so good at this that my self-talk totally supports the things I lack and not what I am or can be. And not to excuse my behavior, but I abhor huge egos and pompous people and I am afraid to be like that. So afraid I am the extreme opposite. When people say good things to me, I do not hear it or it does not register. I am not denying that I like to hear it. The issue is that somewhere deep, I do not accept it. It is like throwing a clump of Jell-O at a wall. Not much sticks.
My plan is to work on the self-talk. I am so good at bashing myself that my close friends have commented on it. I do it all the time. I understand why. If I take myself down, I beat the next person out of doing it. Again, my expectation and so I fulfill it. Crazy! It is going to be hard work as I have perfected this practice over the past fifty plus years. I have to accept that it is ok to know who you are and not to dwell on failures, disappointments and lack. Mostly lack because in my heart, I know there is never really lack. I am such a paradox. I can work with people and do this type of work for them but I am blind to my own abilities.
I have to accept who I am now. I don’t always. I have moments where I have such powerful doubts. The big thing I have to accept and work on is taking things as they come and not charging in full blast. I am struggling right now to not say that I have failed in my quest because that is how I feel. Again, self-inflicted and I know it. The process I was working on last night did not come to fruition and it was very disappointing. I am deep in a pity party. I am focused on the failure, or the lack of success is a better way to say it. I sat last night in my chair and did a real tap dance on my head and beat myself up pretty good. And then I circled around and beat myself up for beating myself up. Sheeeshh. I was focused on the why not, and what was missing in me, instead of the truth which is it was not time. What made the situation worse for me was what manifested is something I have been working on for months and months. I sat last night thinking when was the ever going to stop being what it is? I do not truly want to accept this aberration as part of my inner circle. I had hoped to have put this dragon out. But the message was abundantly clear last night there was more to do.
The process we were working on was something I have wanted for a while. As I realized last night it was not time, I was (sorry MarDrag) very crestfallen. I was seeking something that seems so easy for others to obtain. I cannot lie and say this had not made me feel even more isolated and more of a failure. But then this morning I realize this is a test. This was brought to me to test my fortitude and my self- acceptance capabilities. It is a lesson for me to work on so that the groundwork for what comes next will be easier and successful. The lesson includes working on accepting the right things and stopping the hurtful and damaging input I create. I must learn to treat myself with respect and honor. This is a tall order.
I am grateful for the work I am doing and the support and guidance I have. However, I am looking forward to retreating for a while from everything. I think I need to regroup and reassess. I need to “just be.” Fortunately, I will have that opportunity in a week as we head to The River for ten days. I am going to dismount and lick a few wounds. I am going to work on all the lessons, absorb all the great wisdom I have been receiving and let it settle. I have to accept that I will be given what I need at the right time and there will be plenty of time to do this. I have to accept that this is just as it should be and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
And with this, I let out my breath and head out for the rest of my day.