I find one of the hardest things to communicate is when I feel something incredibly deep. I cannot find the way to express myself. Words cannot muster through and do the feeling justice. Sometimes it is a feeling I get when I ingest something through one of my senses. Usually it is visual, but there are sounds like music that overwhelm me. Sometimes it is the words others say to me. Sometimes it is just a feeling of a place. The River makes me feel this at times. But most often this is a powerful feeling I want to send to someone as a show of gratitude and love. There is a sensation I get in my center that comes flowing out and I am handicapped always at finding the words to make the complete expression. It is such an emotional response that I know the receiver, if human, is often not aware of the depth of the gift, the truth and honesty of it, or the sincerity. I would love it if I could send this and receive this with no boundaries or fear. To send the gift for what it is in its purity. It is actually a simple gift but more intense than most feelings. It is a piece of my heart.
There are beings that do this without any forethought. My dog does it every moment he is with me. He does not have to do anything, but his presence generates this connection by just being near. But he does reinforce it every time he looks at me. There is no malice or judgment and the only expectation comes when it is close to dinner or cookie time. He lays next to me in perfect harmony and I sense his total devotion. I sure hope he knows it is all reciprocal.
I have learned that in my life, giving a piece of your heart can be a messy and painful business. I know that my heart still works like that of a child. Even with all that I have experienced, there still beats this little girl’s heart who longs to love and trust everyone. I think it is sad that I have and I am learning to put up walls and dole out this in measured instances. What a place my world would be if I did not have to do this. But we are in a world that finds this to be a vulnerability or weakness. In my mind, I think of “Deatheaters” who suck the life out of you. These people are ”Heartmunchers.” In a way, it makes the gift even more genuine, if that is possible, because the person who I want to give to has earned my trust and devotion.
Like a child, I did not understand why all people are not like this. In truth, I still do not, I just do not waste time worrying about it. I am learning to not care if I do give a piece of my heart and it is squandered. I know now it is not a failure in me. I have to understand that people do not always know the value of things in their search for it. It is so right in front of us all, but we put up rules and boundaries and stop the very thing we are seeking. I do not understand that but I play by the rules. Good girls do that.
My dream would be a place where everyone just knows that it is safe and they are loved. There are no games and hidden truths. This world would allow beings to grow and flourish without fear of reprisal and shame. Matter of fact, the word shame would not exist along with humiliation. But that is not where I live nor do I see that a possibility in my future. But it is what we strive for. How ironic.
As I traverse my real world, I want to be able let people know how I feel. I want to walk with love being the light that guides my way. But there are times when I feel such intense love that I want to somehow let people know that they have touched me so deeply and I am grateful. I have tried to capture this in words this morning and I do not think I got it. There is no measurement I can give it. There is no methodology to teach. There is no expression or sentiment that can explain it better. It is simply: I give a piece of my heart.