I have been spending my computer time reading a book. It was suggested and when anyone suggests a book, I go to it and read it. This one is a bit strange so far, but I am wading through as I think I will learn something. I always do. I am open by the way to any suggestions of reading material you all might recommend. This weekend I learned some real important things and I want to continue now in my learning. Here is what I learned:
One is that I am in transit, as we all are, but I made a stop for a while and now I am on the train again. The stop was necessary for me to be able to move on. As you know, my siblings got together for the first time since 1986. I have seen them separately, but this was the first time we were all under one roof. It was a big deal and I already wrote about the dinner. Saturday changed how I felt. My brother called and demanded my husband call in sick and we both come down for a prime rib dinner. He called at 10 am that morning because he had just secured a table, using all his pull and BS to get the table. Dinner was at 5pm and we live an hour and half away. He went through a big song and dance which included guilt and a bit of nastiness. It all came flooding back why this family is such a mess. The dinner had been planned without my sister and I originally included. She found out and got pissy and insisted she be invited. Out of guilt, I was being invited. I heard my father’s voice in my brother’s tone. He tried to wrangle and used every angle he could, including how exquisite the prime rib was. He knows I do not eat red meat and haven’t in 26 years. We had just talked about it on Thursday. Not once did he say I miss you and want to see you once more before I leave. It was all about his needs. I firmly said no, I was not coming. The feeling of hope for a bond and mending of the heart went right out the door. The crap was all still there. I should have known better. I have changed and I had hoped that they had too. But this was a little girl’s wish. I still have my freedom and relief from closing this chapter. I just wanted: “and they all lived happily ever after”. This was not to be but I was able to release the hold and I will explain. I climbed back on the train with a lot less baggage.
The second big thing I learned this weekend came from MarDrag. She has been working with me and has been a big help. She told me that when you get rid of something, you need to fill up the void with something else. I have gotten rid of a lot of pain, hurt, sadness and other malaise from my childhood. I brought a lot of it back even though I thought I had dealt with it. I had on some levels, but there was some more that had to be dealt with and the face to face event was placed in my path as it was time. Without seeing the reality of these people, I think my mind would have had a hard time releasing their hold on me. But I can and have now seen the truth. The fear, anger and sadness are gone. I learned something very powerful and I will tell you in a moment.
I am still amazed by my reaction to mere threatening thoughts that manifested in pain. There was not an actual physical or biological reason; I did not fall or injure myself. This past week proved it to me all I had learned from my AAT therapy. I was in agony a lot of last week. My feet and legs were reacting in the same manner as I had before. I could get the pain knocked down a bit if I could sit and concentrate and self-heal. But that was not always available. Thursday morning, I could hardly walk when I first got up. The pain was bad and only really in my legs. I was able to walk better as the day progressed. When we were driving home after the dinner, I had nothing but sore feet from wearing sandals. My body also reacted in a way I had no real control over and I have discovered happens when I am really cranked. I gain four pounds in a week. That’s a lot and if I was a heart patient, I would be worried. But I watch for my ankles to see if they swelled and they did not. I just do not digest correctly. I was very careful what I ate all week as well. It is already starting to go away pretty fast as my body feels less threatened. As I reread this, it sounds like I am a weakling who is only complaining. It is not my intent and I share this only for those who might have a similar reaction when faced with a threatening situation and do not understand why they hurt so much. It goes away when the environment changes or my acceptance of what is happening is apparent. That is the blessing and amazing part.
But back to what I learned from MarDrag. I hope she does not mind that I am going to share the technique she taught me. She is a gifted healer and teacher and I am blessed to have her in my life. As I said before, she said when you remove something you have to replace the void. She guided me through a mediation that made me visualize a room. I was directed through her to clean the room with a broom filled with light. There are two doors in the room and a covered window. She had me sweep the room clean and out the door on the right. Then we opened the windows and let the light in. I then was directed to open the left door and have who and whatever I wanted in the room come in. This is the overview but there is one part of this that made all the difference and will continue to use this in my life.
The door on the right opened to the cosmos. In my head I saw beautiful passage to a star filled ether. It was not scary and empty, but a live and wondrous place. When I swept the grim and dirt out the door, the filth turned to sparkles and dissipated into the air. This was the magic. She said to send it out with love. Bless it and send it on its way with unconditional love. I had never thought about releasing pain and hurt with love. I never thought about that I could still love people even when they are toxic to me. Of course I can because love, real love, has no restrictions on it. I can still love my family and I needed to be able to do that. That was the missing piece. To extricate their hold and abandon them left me an orphan. But to release their control and send them on their way in love was the answer. I do love my family. I just do not love their crap. I can still see them as I need to when I want to, but it is a choice I can make without guilt. I do love really well. That sounds funny, but it is something I have never had a hard time with. I love. I do not like being hurt as that love can be used as a weapon against me. I now have the ability to send those who do not come to me in a healthy manner on their way and still love them. You would have to know me to know how hard that has been for me. I do not turn people away easily even when I know it is a toxic situation or I am being taken advantage of. My love keeps me hoping for them to change, but I do not have that power. I cannot change anyone. So to be able to still love people and release them is a gift I did not have in my skill set.
I spent a lot of time figuring out who I would let enter into my room. The whole experience left me exhausted as it was such a powerful technique and release. There is an inner calm I have not felt in a long time. The room is still empty for the most part as I am being cautious as to whom I let in. I sat in my garden chair off and on for the rest of the day and I realized I had not really emptied the room completely. There are still cobwebs and small piles of dirt. And that is ok as I will sweep them out as necessary. I am sure that will continue to happen. What was clear in my vision was a vine had crept in from the window which looked over a fabulous garden. As the day progressed, the vine grew and the walls became covered with assorted pink flowers. The room was alive and growing and blossoming. It was not empty at all but a new environment was being created.