Sometimes I need to get really knocked about to get the big picture of things in my head. Yesterday I wrote about an upcoming family reunion and the angst it is causing in my life. I discovered a few things about this whole situation. It is a powerful life lesson and the next step on my path…. A big next step.
Without a lot of explanation, I am not what I would call a person with outward bravado. That is to say, I do not demonstrate strong tendencies to be a fighter. I am not one who likes or enjoys conflict. Love debates, but not fighting. That is a dichotomy I know. Some would think it makes me weak. Some people take my lack of stepping into the fray as being a weakness. In the past, I would back off. Very true. Then I would get mad at myself for the failure. But the failure was not in me, and this is what I have begun to realize. Believe me, this is very powerful stuff.
As a little girl, I would be over powered by a family all older than I. Power struggles and fighting was the order of the day. I was never anything more than the little girl in the pink dress with curly red hair. I grew up thinking that was my place, at the bottom of the heap. I abhorred the fighting and violence that was in my home. I realize now that I was a target, only because of my place in the pecking order. Shit flows down. There was not failure on anyone except my parents for allowing this environment to thrive. It was a survival technique I had to employ. Unfortunately, I never learned how to really fight. I also never learned to protect myself from predators.
But moving on in my journey, I will learn this. Being aware is the first step. I accept that I need to learn this and I am a willing student. First thing is to stop beating myself up. Second is to stop reacting physically to things out of my control. And third thing is to be ready to learn, really learn that I will have the ability to protect myself and I am more than worth it. The last part of that sentence is the most important. I am worthy.
Two big things happened last night after a very interesting week. Ok three. One was a visit to my Reiki teacher as a patient/student. She opened me to some thinking I had not been able to do prior. She explained to me something about spirits and it was not actually something I had expected. I got home and was goofing around on my computer and I was led to this video which is at the end of this post. Please watch it as is exactly how I feel. I could not have said it better. Before all the storms hit, I went to my garden chair to do some thinking and meditating. I was not going to, as it is usually the last thing I do at night, but the storms were coming and I knew I would not be able. I really hesitated and then felt the need to sit down and just chill. I was just starting to do my breathing and the wind was really picking up. I looked up and saw the leaves blowing off the trees. Out of the left back corner of my eye something appeared. This is my soft spot for cues and it is hard to explain that but some of you get it. What appeared was a blue heron. I will write about that in my next blog. All are very strong messages which was absolutely what I needed.