There is a lot going on in my life right now. I am embroiled in a huge test of how well I am handling “things” and it quick review I would say “not so well.” I thought it might get to me, and it is. I am fighting the physical reaction which is manifesting in my usual manner. My legs are locking down and hurting in various places. The symbolism does not escape me. It is the reaction I have had for a very long time but did not understand why. Understanding helps me to deal with it. Knowing how to knock the pain down certainly helps. I have been able to control the normal reaction of Charlie Horses at night and the pain is more of a nuisance.
When someone is traumatized, there is always the possibility of a reoccurring reaction to certain cues. I know some of my friends get this. An incoming cue, which can be anything, triggers the mind and the body reacts with fight, flight or freeze. This cue is first experienced during a traumatic situation. You may be aware of it or not. I have been educated on how to be aware of my triggers and stop my freeze reaction. My freeze reaction includes intense pain and cramps in my body but especially in my legs. I also have digestive issues which compounds things. The overall reaction brings on angst and often depression. It has been a lot of work to learn to recognize the symptoms before they get control. I have been slowly improving my mobility issues and other reactions.
As I said, I am not doing so good right now because of the intensity of what I am facing. I have a lot of wonderful people who are helping me through this. I still hate and probably will always hate, how this makes me feel weak and powerless. The exposure is totally belly up. I am grateful for those who have and will be guiding me through. It explains why there was such a sense of relief that I will be still working with my first guide and teacher. I am not “done” in any manner.
So what am I facing? My family. My whole friggin family. Next Thursday, my oldest brother is hosting a family reunion. This will be the second time ever since my Mom died in 1979. The last time we got together was 1986. (And that reunion was horrendous for me). My brothers did not come out for my father’s funeral. Get the picture of the family dynamics here? It is dysfunctional at best. My two brothers are coming, both from out West. I am not going into why my reaction is so horrific and let it suffice with; it is. There are very specific reasons why it is. In a gentle answer, I have not seen my one brother in ten years. My other brother I have not seen in over twenty. And my sister; I have been avoiding her for eleven years at all cost as she lives here. We visit with my older brother and his wife often as he lives close and I love them both. It is for them also, that we are going. If I was reading this, I would tell me do not go and be done with it. I thought about it, but the guilt of not going would manifest for a very long time. This is possibly the last time I might ever see them alive. I also think that this is a test for me, a mountain to climb and get over. The climb up is hard and jagged so far.
Just writing about this is causing my legs and stomach to cramp. So I am stopping. Sorry for the whining, but I did not write yesterday and I am not sure how much I will write for the rest of the week. This is my place to journal out my ideas and thoughts. This, however, is a deep wound and I not sure I want to eviscerate myself that much.


5 thoughts on “Self-gutting

  1. I have to ask the question? For who are you attending this event for? You may want to ask that same question or maybe not. Always on your side. J

  2. Good luck. You must first first accept yourself before you can accept others, especially a large dysfunctional family. (I come from one of those myself.) There is benefit in going, even more in going and letting go of your own expectations. Simply be yourself and take the rest as they are. You are not your family, you are you, and that’s all you ever need to be.

  3. Love the other comments here…very wise…so I will just add to try to go “with no expectations or attachments to how things will be or an outcome”. This will leave the space open for it to go better than you anticipate. If you can keep clear of expectation thought…what is meant to manifest will do so from a clear place. Sending you a stream of positive energy and light! 🙂

  4. My reply to you all….. who am I attending this event for? Me…. it is time to put an end to the power these people had (NOTE HAD) over me. I am not a coward!
    This may be my last chance to validate that I am not what they made me believe I was for so long. I just know this is the time and this is the next step I have to take.

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