Just Ask

I am someone who does not ask. I have great difficulty in putting requests into words and then posing them to someone. This is only if the request is for me. I have no issues asking for something for someone else. It often gets me into a situation where people will come to me to have me ask for something for them. If I agree it is important, no problem. There is no fear because it will not affect me. But when it does, I have trouble. When what need to be asked is totally for my benefit, I get all blocked up. I go to this place in my head which swirls and dances and I concoct all these outcomes which prohibit me from doing the simple thing. Just ask.
Yesterday was a prime example and why I chose this topic. I have been perseverating on the fact that I got in my head that I had to end my work with my favorite guide and therapist. We had gotten to a place where the specific health issue was well on its way of healing and I had learned the tools necessary to deal with it on my own to some extent. He has done what he was supposed to do. In my head, I felt I did not deserve anymore of his time. I felt very deeply I was not worthy. There, I said it. This is a very deep seated feeling I carry into so many areas of my life. This person did so much for me; I felt I had all I deserved to get from him. The idea of not seeing him on a regular basis has been upsetting me because of many reasons. I cannot even put them precisely to words enough for it to make sense. But the gist of it was that I felt that the time had come to end our visits. Yesterday was one of the last visits I had scheduled. So I asked. I had asked before but had put this block in my ears. I agreed with the self- made concept that I was not worthy of more of his time. But I asked again and I was specific in what I asked. And of course he was comfortable and in totally agreement to continue to see and work with me. This whole situation of the pain of separation was of my doing and if I had not asked, I would have missed an opportunity to go to the next level with him. To some extent, I still feel selfish and unworthy, but we can work on it. All I had to do was ask with an honest and clear voice.
Why is this so hard for me? Because in my past, there have been so many times when I would become brave enough to ask only to have my request met with refusal. That seems harmless in itself, and it is. But what was generated by many people would be the follow up of making sure that I understood how my request was not being fulfilled because I was not worthy. It would take pages to explain how that was perpetrated and I have alluded to it in other posts. When you are in a situation with abusive people, denial is a big tool they use. It is not enough to say no, but they can take it to a higher level of pain by making sure you are aware of why they say no. For example, I lived in a family where men are considered superior to women and are given every advantage. A big example of this was when I requested to go to college when I graduated from high school with honors. I had an offer of scholarship and such. It was met with a resounding no because I was a woman. NO other reason. I was told that the only school I could go to was a secretarial school and this was in 1972. I was not alone I have discovered. Many of my girlfriends got the same answer. Get married and make babies was still the order of the day for women back then. I ended up paying to go to a community college, at the same time my brother was sent to the University of Rochester, which is huge bucks. He got kicked out. Another brother went to Rochester Institute of Technology, also big bucks. He flunked out. My oldest brother went to Syracuse U and he did eventually get his degree. I finished two degrees and went on eventually to get my Masters. There are a ton of these examples from my childhood.
In my marriage, the disregard of my requests continued by my ex-husband and was escalated into an art. He really had a talent for making me feel unworthy. I bet that some may say right now that I had control and the only one making me feel unworthy was me. Well, I can answer that with: you have no idea until you live in that situation. Why would anyone choose to live like that? It is like people who say to sexually abuse victims that they are making their stories up. Why would anyone make up crap like that? Believe me, when you are knee deep in it, you cannot see what is going on until you are in over your head and drowning. To realize all this about myself now is a testament to my actually worthiness. (smile)
But this is an area I have a lot of work to do in. I am getting better. I have asked for support from other people, two of them read this blog. I was surprised and delighted with their response which was affirmative. I worked with Rising Hawk and I look forward to my affiliation with MarDrag. If I had not asked, I would have missed a huge opportunity for growth. Sometimes I have asked for things only to be ignored or turned down. That is fine as long as it is not based on lies. I understand people cannot do more than they can at any given moment. I get that and honor that. But, and again I struggle with explaining it, there is a difference when someone refuses and concocts a story based on their own fear to admit the reason and someone who is just unable to fulfill the request. It is a communication issue and a sense of trust. It often exposes an unhealthy relationship and that in itself can be painful to deal with. But I have gotten to a level where if I sense something is not as it seems, I learning to deal with it. That is a whole other arena.
Last night, I do what I try to do every night and sit in my garden to pray and meditate. Last night, as silent tears ran down my face I ask God for a few things. This was very brave of me because of all the situations that can be extremely painful is asking the Devine for something and feel like you are not worthy. I have been blessed with so many wonderful miracles that it is helping me to develop a sense of my worthiness. Why would all the fabulous things that have happened in the past year have occurred if I was not worthy? It is hard for me to grasp that without going down the path of why did bad things happen in my past. The only thing I can do is live in the present moment, learn from the past as they are all lessons for my growth, and just ask for what I need now. Just ask. And then be grateful for what I receive. I am extremely grateful.

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3 thoughts on “Just Ask

  1. You are worthy. Even the question of “Am I worthy” is nothing but a wispy phantom from a time that no longer exists that can be blown away with the breath of your words . . “I am worthy.” Namaste . . .

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