The dream 7-13-13

The dream starts out that we are in a house that is not one I know. The man in the dream is my husband and it keeps transposing from my ex to my current. In this part, it is my current husband with an infliction my ex had. He did something to his hand and needed to see a doctor. My ex broke his hand when he hit a door jamb once when we were fighting. In the dream, to get it fixed we had to go downtown. It was not a city I have been in in this life, but I have visited it in dreams a couple of times. It is compacted and very busy. Cars and people are everywhere. The stores are open almost like a market and there are restaurants that are tiny little alcoves. There are a lot of lights, but they are warm and inviting. There is not too much noise and the atmosphere is more of people attending to business. It is pretty confusing in this dream as I am in an area that is like the center of the market and cars are driving and people are walking everywhere and in different directions. In the dream, my ex leaves me in the center. He just disappears in the crowd. I decide to wait to see if he will return and I spend time watching people. He does not come back and decide to go off looking for him. I remember thinking in the dream that it was not a good idea because if I am looking for him, he cannot find me where he left me. I set off anyways.
I find him after poking my head in many stores and restaurants and after a long time. There were conversations and other things, but they are a blur now. I locate my “husband” as they have morphed into one being flirting with this person who in some form is a clinician. She is bandaging his hand but the conversation I overhear as I approach is anything but professional. Funny aside, the clinician in the dream is a new nurse we just hired. I like her in real life. The feeling of hurt was pervasive in the dream and in my gut even as I write this post. The dream shifted and I am back in this strange house, in a room which I know to be my bedroom. I am in a closet and the wall paper is glaring at me. It is horrendous. I see that it is put up poorly and would come down very easily. I start tearing it off the wall. The feeling is one of relief and also one of fear of being yelled at for doing it. I kept going and got it all off and I sense accomplishment.
The dream shifts again, and I am walking up a small dirt road. There are cars pulled off, including mine which is in a different area. I am there on a mission, as I knew my ex-husband was messing around and I was searching him out. Instinctively I knew where to go. I find them and there is uncomfortable conversation in which I am the one who ends up being chastised. They both somehow vindicate their actions and I am dismissed. As I am walking back to my car, my head is down so they cannot see me crying. I see two frogs. There is one big friendly green one which looks like the one I saw on my deck recently, and one not so friendly red one. I know instinctively that the red one is poisonous. The green one hops off into the grass and pond by the side of the road, leaving the red one looking at me. I continue on to my car.
The dream shifts again, and I am back at the house and in the bathroom. My current husband is there and he is showing me his injury, which is not on the hand. He turns his back and as he does I see he has this huge tattoo going up his back. I scream at him and as he turns back, the tattoo now extends up his face. It is a beautiful vine with morning glories on it. I only remember that I felt this horrible betrayal and I knew that this was the mark from the other woman. I woke up.
I am going to do some self- interpretation on this. MarDrag said that as we heal, things will pop up for us to deal with and heal from. I thought that this was something I was over, but no…I guess not. And since I have already talked about domestic violence, I will include this as part of my story. Some of this is based on fact and some is transposition. The man I am married to now would never cheat as he was cheated on and hurt very badly by his ex-wife. It is not in his repertoire. I also would not stand for it. It is not something I fear in my real life with him at all. He hates needles and would never get a tattoo. I cannot even get him to pierce his ear. This is an old fear and it is pretty deep.
My ex was a master of abandonment. He had this honed to perfection. It started at parties. I was usually pretty comfortable with being on my own in social gatherings. It did not bother me to be off mingling away from my ex. Quite often, it was a blast. He did not dance and I loved to. He started this thing…do not know what else to call it…of hooking up with someone for the evening. It was always a single lonely woman who obviously did not read the code of sisterhood. There are many women out there who do not care what about the feelings of the wife or girlfriend of a snake. They just want the attention. One time he hooked up with someone at my work Christmas party and I spent months squelching rumors. He took this “thing” to the next level by disappearing with the women and this often occurred when we were on vacation. I would be trapped when I realized he had slipped, or slimed away. I would not be able to do anything because he had the car keys and we were in places I was unfamiliar with and with no friends nearby. One time, he just disappeared when we had to board a ferry to get somewhere. The panic was horrific as our vehicle was on the ferry with all of our clothes and stuff. Remember, there were no cell phones back then. I would get chastised for being so worried or suspicious. Pardon me while I slap my forehead. I have a hard time writing this as I see how pathetic it is. But it is what I lived with for years. Years….over fifteen years. Sometimes he would flaunt the dalliance and other times my mind would produce enough shame to choke a mule. It all was part of his methodology of making me feel small and himself grand. I have come to find that this is not an unusual behavior for (nasty adjective) people like him. The tattoo represents a change in appearance that my ex went through. He actually did this a couple of times and it was because of the influence of his current paramour. Once it was “Cowboy Bob” and one time it was “Chip from the Hamptons”. I can laugh now, but it was painful and hurtful because it was a reminder of the pecking order in the relationship. Abuse presents in many levels. We would be out and women would come up to him and he would not introduce me. They clearly would know each other very well. People would slip and say they saw him and then ask “who was he with?” as it was not me. It was accepted in the gang we associated with that many of the guys had girlfriends. They would bring someone to a social gathering and you would never know if it was the girlfriend or wife. I never accepted or condoned that behavior and felt horrible when I was subjected to it. We wives had our own code and that was shut up and put up. Looking back, I realize that environment was demoralizing from the get-go. Sadly but not surprisingly, most of the marriages ended. But the effect of being treating in this manner was inexcusable. I would never tolerate that, now. But it is a no-win situation because if you tell the wife of the transgression, often it would cause so much pain and she would not be able to do anything about it. Or as in most cases, she already knew. I had one friend whose relationship with her man included him spending Sundays with his old girlfriend. She was told to get over it or move out of their house because he was not giving her up. So every Sunday she would be in tears. She ended up getting terribly sick and when I left this wretched group when I divorced, she was bedridden. She was such a nice gal.
Back to my own situation and this dream. My gut is telling me that this is still pretty painful. To put it down on paper is helping see the unbelievable level of abuse that was inflicted on me. The mind games he played lasted for years and wore away any sense of self-esteem I had. This practice manifested in one situation which I will say was not the culmination of the marriage but an apex of shame. After it occurred, I had no pride left. I actually stayed married to him for sixteen more years. He had an affair which lasted for some time and in retrospect, it probably never ended. In one final gotcha after we were divorced and I was well on my way, he sent something to me in an envelope with her return address and name crossed off on it. I got to the point where I just did not care. But back in the past, this girlfriend told him she had contracted an STD and he had to tell me so I could be checked. My humiliation in having to explain to the Doctor was overshadowed by the realization that my fears of being cheated on were true. I learned from that moment, my gut is my biggest indicator and to trust it. It had been true and honest, more so than any other indicator in my life. Because I found that compass, it gave me some strength to follow my intuition and believe in me. That may sound strange because what I found was hurtful, but the known was easier to deal with than the unknown. It also took out some of the pleasure that my ex got from making me suffer. This may be twisted but I write in the hopes that someone might read this and that it might help them.
His behavior did not change. He escalated it to profound attempts to humiliate me and ostracize me. I remember clearly the moment when I knew our marriage was really over and from my perspective; I was done. We were on vacation in a very strange place. It was evening and I have no idea where he was but I went outside to this place on a hill and mourned the death of the marriage. I remember it vividly and I have since seen that place in dreams. The marriage deteriorated and I actually moved out of the bedroom and was nothing more than a housekeeper. I was in a place where I had found the beginning of my career as a teacher. I had gone back to school, was working on my teaching certifications and had found my own life and happiness. He did not have power over me anymore except to finally pull the plug, which I did not have the strength to do. My mother had instilled the shame of divorce in all of her children because her parents had divorced. Her shame was so great on this subject that she told us her father had died, which he did. But I discovered in painfully and accusatory letters to her father that I found when she had passed on, that he died he after he left her mother. In a final attempt to destroy me while we were going through the beginning phases of separation, my ex asked me, if I would mind if he “brought home an occasional sleep over friend?” REALLY? He left to go hunting and on his return to work he was served with divorce papers. I knew it would humiliate him to have them served there. It was my first but not final thrust of “back at ya, Jack!”
So why now did this come up? I think because it was so pervasive and so deep I did have not had the strength to deal with it until now. There is shame attached to this which was huge because I felt that I was a fool for living in that environment. But I remember the nuances that played that I cannot put into words or on paper. It was not as easy as one would think to walk away. When someone is in an abusive situation, the abuser steals all the where-for-all out of the victim in order to trap them. It may be a nebulous to the outsider, but believe me the net or bars are very strong and unrelenting. The abuser reinforces constantly especially if the victim tries to escape. In my telling of this story, I feel some comfort in knowing that I actually had more strength than I thought. I see it more for what it was, and gladly I can release it. I am grateful for the relationships I have now and that my husband is an upstanding and great guy. Yeah for all of us!

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4 thoughts on “The dream 7-13-13

  1. First let me say how sorry I am that you had to go through this. No one should have to experience that. But let me also say…how I honor you for how you came through it and brought yourself to a better life. See how much power you really DO have? 🙂

    Having said that…everything we experience in life…even when we heal from it or resolve it or get completion on it and let it go…stays with us as a part of us. It is the glorious recipe of US…all those ingredients simmering away in the cauldron making us who we are. Some of those ingredients are floating at the top…some are buried at the bottom. When you start stirring the cauldron by embarking on a healing journey…things will swirl around and come to the surface so you can look at/taste them…to see if they are done. If they are not…it just means that you are going to heal them on a whole other level. You let go and healed on the level you were at back when you divorced. But since then…you have studied, learned, gained more wisdom and grown…to a whole other level…and this ingredient is rising to be healed at a much deeper level, and the further healing will be that much more profound. And you will become even stronger and wiser for it. As you rise to higher levels, it may even come up again…not because you haven’t dealt with it…but because you are peeling back all the layers of your Self for absolute, deepest healing.

    You are magnificent!! Keep going!!

    Finally…I seem to be getting long winded on your posts…and I hope you don’t mind or that I am not overstepping any boundary. I write what I am compelled or called to write and hope that is ok. If not…feel free to tell me to bugger off! I won’t take it personal!! 😛

    Blessings!

    • I was just trying to figure out myself what was going on and you answered it perfectly. First of all, I look for your replies. I have emailed you a couple of times from the email posted on your personal page. But no, I certainly do not mind your long winded replies, because they are not long winded and they bring me a lot of comfort. And if they bring me comfort, there may be others who this helps who might read this and be going through similar things. So please do not stop.
      You are right, I am going through a rough patch so there will probably be some more of these kinds of posts. I saw my healer/guide today and she said something similar to peeling back layers. As she worked to bring me comfort on one thing, another situation popped up which I have to work out. It all helps because it can be quite disconcerting to be so off balance and ungrounded when that is exactly what I am working towards.
      I appreciate your compassion too. This is history, and yes it does stay to some extent. For me, I learned what I will not tolerate in people anymore. Sometimes I have to take the little girl in me out and give her a big hug and then I have to pull up my big girl panties and move on.
      You are such a blessing so please keep writing back.
      Thank you.

      • Oh good! I am glad it helps…as that is my personal purpose in life…to help!

        Also…I have not received any emails from you! I would answer them absolutely! My email is mardrag26@gmail.com. Not sure why they would not come through but try again. I would love to talk more with you and have thought of suggesting this myself. If you try again and get no answer, it is only because it did not come through. If you feel ok to give me your email address, I can try from this end. Would love to connect!

        Meantime…you are doing great. Sometimes, while going through the tunnel, it gets a little murky, but stay with it and the light always finds us!

        I look forward to talking more soon! Blessings!

  2. You are a soul of amazing strength and wisdom . . . for which you have paid in full. As usual, I cannot add to anything MarDrag expressed. She, too, possess profound wisdom. Just keep soaring and learning. Namaste . . .

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