Breaking wind

I am in quandary and I am not even sure this is the correct word. Maybe not so good energy is a better term. My fear is that I am …well, the fact that I am full of fear and worry is not good in and of itself. There is like this cloud hanging around. I have tried to clear it and refocus. I have tried prayer and physical clearing, and I am good for a moment. But then the nag comes back on me. I want to put this in to words so that I can maybe center and figure out exactly what it is that is going on. I have attempted several tries this morning to put on paper what I am feeling and I am struggling even with that. So I am releasing my fingers and let my thoughts flow.
The first thing that comes in to my head and has been there for some time is a relationship which had been bothering me for a while. I have a friend whose company I truly enjoy. She is much younger than I but we seem to have similar interests. Something changed and I am the one who made the mistake. And the mistake I made was innocent and what I thought was doing something to help her and her family. Her situation is pretty desperate and yet her attitude was always one that demonstrated hope. I thought she was brave. I had helped her out financially before and instead of paying me back, she would do projects to help me out. It was a relationship that was supporting our needs. This did not happen often, but when I could and the situation warranted it, I was glad to help. We both figured if she did a project, that the money was not charity. However, somehow and someway, the lesson was to stop this practice and I did not hear it soon enough. She was in a very desperate situation of losing their home and since she has a young child, the options were not good. Without thinking, I paid the debt which was significant. On top of that, I had a birthday celebration which turned to a disaster which was the beginning of this suffocating feeling I am having. There is a part of me which is angry because the event was ruined but also by the lack of her disconnection to the celebration. And this sounds so petty but I have to get it out. She came without gift or even a card. It is not the lack of physical gift that is bothering me, it is the lack…..just that. And it is not like she does not have the talent to make really cool things, she crafts all the time. It was the lack of honor in the event, the celebration of my birthday. That sounds so horrible, but it really bothered me. And then the only thing I did get was a mess in my garden and then memory of a terrible night. I understand this was not a good thing for her either. But the lack of communication and discussion about all of this, especially the lack of effort has put me off completely. And because of who I am, I am angry that I got myself into this mess with the money. I am angry, because it was a significant chunk of change and that I really needed her help, especially lately. I do not ask for help often, but when I do, it is because I really need it. So when I reached out to her for assistance this past weekend and it was not forthcoming, I realized what a fool I have been. That really has me upset. I saw her last night and there was no remorse, no recognition of how her actions have been and it put me so off that I could not focus on the class we were attending. I paid the tuition so she could go. Last night, the instructor asked who thought they would take the next in the series and she answered she did not know because of the cost. She looked at me and I looked down. “Oh NO frigging way!”
The class last night was horrendous for me. Not just because of her, but because of a couple of things. I had written to the instructor asking a few questions and heard nothing back. She communicates regularly to us by email. Now true, she may not have gotten the email, but I am not sure that is what happened. There was a disconnection or something that was off from the first class. I always felt like she was analyzing me or something. I cannot put down what it felt like, but there was a discomfort from the start. Last night, she moved the class into a different room and the environment was uncomfortable for me. But…..the worse part of the evening was the fact that BP gas works had moved into my gut. I was fine when I got to the building, but as soon as I saw the person I just wrote about, the drilling began. And the fact that I have been on an antibiotic has not helped. The rumbling was so loud that I drowned out the first mediation. I was trying so hard to focus and the more I focused the more the production increased. I thought in my head I was making enough fuel to heat a small city. And if you are laughing, it is ok because I am. Now, it is funny. She did this thing with a tuning fork and as she held it in front of me, my gut responded and clearly not with the same note. Then she did a singing bowl, and again the response was much deeper but just as prolific. I was mortified and at the same time, I was trying to hold back my natural tendency to giggle. Oh my word, was I loud. And if you have ever experienced this creation of critical mass in your gut, you know there is nothing you can do to stop it. I got up and took a walk thinking if I stretched out I would feel better and true, as soon as I left the room, it stopped. I went back in thinking I got this. She led us into another silent skill and this time Exxon and Sunoco both showed up. It was getting unbearable and I felt so bad for the lady sitting next to me, who kept softly giggling and then offering me looks of sympathy. She leaned over and said, “I have a noisy tummy too.” Her tummy is non-existent compared to my barrel, which was slowly extending under the pressure. We moved into an attunement I settled in to receive, thinking I maybe would calm down. I did slowly stop. But I was so tense and by that point, actually starting to feel physically ill. Then someone went to ground me and I felt them approaching my feet and I panicked. My toe and foot is still extremely painful and I knew if she accidently hit it I would yelp. And since at this point, I was concentrating all my efforts on containing the fuel production going on internally, I flinched and opened my eyes. My classmate with the little tummy was at my feet crouched about to reach my bad foot. My gut responded automatically with this cacophonous roar that almost bowled her over. I apologized, at the same time trying to wipe the smirk off my face.
Outside the clouds had turned a dark grey and they had been predicting bad thunderstorms for the area. I thought my gut felt like it looked outside. I knew instinctively I had to go out there. I made a weak apology and said I needed to step out as the weather was bothering me. It was more what was in the room, but I did not want to explain myself. I stood outside and watch the clouds swirl and dance and let the wind blow my hair around. My gut matched the turmoil and the wind had nothing on me. I regretted not having my shoes and bag with me as I would have gotten in my car and just left. I have no idea how long I was out there, but I was relieved in many ways. One of the co-instructors came and got me and I returned to the room. The lead instructor began to close the class and about halfway through her speech, my gut decided to speak again. I just grinned to the class and said, “I’m back.” And they all smiled at me pathetically. As soon as we got our certificates, I headed home. And by the time I was home, I no longer was in pain or for that fact any discomfort. I thought to myself my inner guidance system is much attuned to what is going on in my life.
I added the tile to this after I wrote the post. I originally was so serious when I started to write and full of angst. But after reading this through, I was laughing so hard at myself that I had to put a title that was funny. Sorry for the sophomoric humor, but it is totally me.


2 thoughts on “Breaking wind

  1. I may be saying something you likely already know…but I am compelled to mention to you that, when you embark on a journey to become a Healer…the very first person you will heal, is yourself. Every conceivable issue that needs to be healed will surface at one time or another (been there!), not just to be dealt with…but to allow you the experience so that when you are healing others, you have complete understanding of what they are experiencing…from your own experiences. Unexpected things will come up, embrace them. It is not an easy road to becoming a Healer. But it gets better!

    So, the compassion you feel for others…direct that to yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself…you sound like a wonderful person…and the fact that you keep helping people regardless of what they give back is the very definition of Unconditional Love, a necessary ingredient to a Healer. But you are also human…and reserve the right to your own emotions and feelings. Allow it ALL! And be accepting of YOU. Within that…you will find your Healer.

    Also…I am sorry about your BDay disaster and the thoughtlessness of someone you have tried to help who should have been there for you. From one Healer to another…I send you a stream of Compassion and Love! Blessings!

  2. I would be hard pressed to add to anything that MarDrag wrote, except maybe one thing, and it is in the “collective” tense. There are occasions when we just think too damn much about everything, and when we do, it cranks our chain. The beauty of the situation is that you, the healer, wrote yourself right out of a bad spot. That’s good work, and wonderful wisdom! Namaste . . .

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