I am sensing a disconnect…or something. I am not sure what it is that I am sensing but I feel out of sorts. Yesterday, I had nothing in me to write. I was going to try but I felt so empty that any attempt was going to produce something I would regret. So I was true and did not write. I just got up this morning and realized I slept twelve hours. I never sleep that long. Granted we bought new pillows, but I do not think that was why. I slept a dream filled sleep, but as I sit here, I have only the slight recollection of them. I sense the residual of one and it is not anything bad. It validates more of this sense of disconnection. The thing that is bothering me started last night and the night before. Let me explain.
My future includes somewhere dealing with alternative healing. That message has been loud and clear. I sensed this early last winter and started looking for something to put me in that path. I was upset because it seems everyone who goes through some form of awakening thinks they are going to be a healer. I read about this phenomenon in a ton of books. I hate the idea that I was a cliché. And when I articulated this desire, I was put off by the response I got from one person. I thought they were to be the one who was to teach me. In truth, it devastated me. I made me feel inadequate and dejected. Strong feelings, but the sense of healing being my future is that strong. I attempted to find avenues for certifications that would give me credentialing in this area. Again, I came up upon wall after wall of why I was not acceptable. This was very hard on my self-esteem, in a time when I was trying to recover it. But I persevered and never gave up on what I feel is my destiny.
I had been seeing another Shaman at the same time. She was the one who had started me off on a path of discovery thirteen years ago. We had lost touch and we had just reconnected. (It is amazing how things appear when they are supposed to.) She was the Ying to the other healer’s Yang. It was a perfect sympathy of healing for me. She saw what I sensed about my ability to heal. With her support and guidance, she connected me with a group and it was my salvation in many ways. She recommended I meet with this wonderful person who had now become another guide and teacher for me in my circle. But also, she strongly recommended that I take this class for Spiritual Healing Touch. I went home and hemmed and hawed about this decision for a while. I knew and trusted Melanie and I knew in my heart she would not have been so strong in her recommendation other than to make sure I knew this was what I was to do. My ears were still very blocked to incoming positive comments and I was not strong in my confidence. But I signed up. Then the feeling of inadequacy started again. Whatever made me think I could do this? It bounced in my head repeatedly.
I took her suggestion to contact the lady who was organizing the class. In a bold move, I emailed her and asked for an appointment. It was the smartest and best thing I could have done. Here was my next teacher. I met with Silke and we talked for an hour and then she gave me a treatment. It was very powerful and completely different than what I had experienced before. I saw her once again before the class. It gave me a foundation of what to expect. She even drove so I would not have to add to my fears already raging about the day.
Once at the class, I looked at my fellow classmates and realized; they are no different than I. They are truly mortal. The teacher was a knowledgeable and a gifted healer from Tennessee. She was a hoot and to meet her on the street, you would have no sense of her abilities. But in this setting, she was omnipotent. The class was astonishing. But before we started, I was in a panic of “what if I cannot do this? What if I do not have the ability?” I was going to type gift, but that is not what it is. Everyone and anyone can do what I was going to learn. It is a matter of acceptance. There is no real magick. The human is the lowest denominator in making this healing process work. In truth, the biggest impedance in the healing working is the ego.
We were instructed to stand behind the person next to us and every other person stood up and moved to the right. She then guided us through our first contact. I figured it was truth time and I stood behind my partner in absolute silence. Then something took over as we prayed before we began our touch. The experience brought me to tears and I was not alone. I am not going to chronicle the whole day, and actually it was two full days. It was powerful and personal. I found the one thing I needed which was validation. Lots of validation. I also found a connection to a group of like-minded women who I have grown to care for.
I was now connected with the next steps to on my journey. There is a series of classes that need to be completed in order to become certified as a practitioner. I am taking the next classes this fall and then there are two more in the winter. I am not concerned with what I am going to do with this certification right now as I am sure that will unfold in time. I am a perpetual student and I want to learn about as many healing methodologies as I can. When I was going through my own therapy, I read and read anything and everything I could on what I was going through. It is a lot more scientific and there are parts of the physiology that I still am unsure of, but I get it enough for most part. I want to spend the time between the Healing Touch classes to learn as much as I can, so I decided to take this Reiki class.
Reiki is very similar, as they all really are, in the concept of how the healing works. I will continue to take the series of these classes just for the information and skill practice and because of what recently transpired in class. Last Tuesday night was the first session where we actually learned hand placement. Although similar, there is enough difference in methodology to add some difference in application. We had received attunements from the instructor and another two Masters who are leaning to teach. This was the first attempt in table work for this class. I have to admit, I jumped right in. No fears. We worked first on one of the new teachers. She was very validating in my ability. The actual Master teacher also was pleased. When she first ran through the instruction she demonstrated the techniques on the “patient.” She explained that she approaches her practice with a blend of methods. I felt the breath that I had been holding release. “Yeah”, I thought, “it is not going to be so structured.” She is a RN, who has a vast background of knowledge in many healing arts. I had been concerned up until this point that she was going to be locked in only allowing Reiki principals in our application. She used many of the techniques I knew from my other class as she worked on her patient. I knew it was going to be ok and I jumped right in. I noticed her watching me a lot. She actually left me to work with others for the rest of the evening. I gave and did not receive any Reiki other than what I received as I was giving it myself……which is the wonder of all these healing techniques. You receive as it flows through you.
But what was concerning to me was I kept losing it. It is the disconnection I spoke of in the beginning. Usually, I start and it takes a lot for me to become disconnected. When I am “working” on someone, I go to a place where I am not. It is very hard to put into words. When I meditate or pray, I also have such a strong and deep connection that I am “gone.” Last night, I could not “plug in” I cannot explain it any more than that.
On top of all of this, I have a situation where I have not been able to heal myself. I feel like I should be able to do this and I am beating myself up about it. I have a spider bite on my big toe delivered when I was on the ground the other night planting roses and weeding. The bite has gotten nasty and the pain is pretty bad. I want to heal myself but I am going to the doctor tomorrow. It does not help that many of my nurse coworkers who have been monitoring it for me said I better now. I keep thinking my “stuff” is not strong enough. Why is this not working on me?
I also know I am in transition and I am still uncomfortable with transitions. I know in my heart, truly, the next level I am going to is wonderful. I do not sense fear but I am not good with the unknown. I am not afraid; it is my old demon of not being in control. I am better with it than before as I am not consumed at all. Just off.
But in consolation, I have to express my little girl’s amazement I feel when something serendipitous or synchronous occurs. Monday night I was feeling the grief of moving on from my dear guide and therapist. I wrote about my love for him and how grateful I am for all he has done for me. But I was very sad even though I know it is the right thing to do. The phone rang and I was not going to answer it as we were about to have dinner. Something strong told me to answer the phone and I did. It was Dr. Kates, Melanie, calling from California. She had moved out there this spring and that too was hard for me, but in a different way. She had promised to keep in touch and true to her word, she is. She just instinctly knew when to do it, as such is the Power of God. This fall offers many wondrous experiences and they are to include in some way continuing our work together. I am thrilled.
So true is this tonic of writing. Just getting this all down on paper has helped to reground me. I can feel the Light again and the sensation is as the word expresses. I feel less heavy, less dull. So I cannot heal a freaking spider bite. Ok. I can connect to heal my heart. That wins every time.
I hope everyone has a nice and safe Fourth of July and celebrate the independence of your minds and hearts to live a fulfilling life. We are very blessed in the USA to be able to do that.