I have a quiet moment to myself and I felt the need to put finger to the keyboard. Not as poetic as pen to the paper, but it works. I had an interesting day. It started poorly and went decidedly upward. Please when you get a chance, look at this post by MarDrag which give credence to the way people are feeling. The morning was to be spent with the agency we just acquired with their training/educators. Last meeting went well and I was the only one who attended. This time, I brought my Lead Preceptor along. The meeting went ok, but I sensed an animosity that was not there previously and I think it was partially the global situation and the fact that their CEO had resigned and they were throwing her a party that afternoon. They did not seem happy with the acquisition. But that is not what I want to write about.
MC and I tottered off to lunch after our meeting. We spent time chatting about our work situation and how the meeting went. It was general chit chat a boss and employee would have. I have no idea how we got to where we ended up. MC is going to seminary school to become an ordained minister. She was telling me about her conference that she went to and how the double standards of feminism and the churches desire for female leaders is not in synchronization. It opened a door for a conversation that ended up lasting three hours.
There is no denying MC is a very good Christian. She is a model employee, great mother, and all round wonderful person. I asked her how she would feel or her husband would feel if only one of them got ordained. They both are going to school and wish to spend their lives together as Co-Pastors of a church or mission. I asked her how she got to a place where she decided this is what she wanted. She spoke of her journey, which followed an early path similar to mine. We both were both raised in the same denomination by strict practitioners for mothers. Somewhere, we both had an early desire to follow a spiritual path but then we deviated in different ways. She has children, I do not and that makes a big difference. She returned to the flock recently when her husband and she started doing missionary work. And now they are in seminary school together. I did not travel such a noble path in any way.
My path in high school was headed for a commune in a time where love ins were popular and strong Christians were called Jesus freaks. I was one of those. I was praying to join a commune that lived and breathed Christian ethics and practices. I was denied acceptance. Shortly after that, my sister came home pregnant by the Pastor of our church oldest son. Oh, that was not a good thing in the early 70’s. The ensuing aftermath of that conception and the lies and mess it demonstrated turned me off to religion for a very long time. I began to experiment with different faiths and denominations and never settled anywhere. By my thirties, I was not really practicing any religion and it was pretty much not a part of my life until I was going through my divorce thirteen years ago. By then, I was definitely not Christian. I settled in to a more Wiccan approach and took classes and certification in Pagan and Wiccan studies. I joined a coven….which was short lived because I soon saw the same hypocrisy and politics that had turned me off to Jesus’s way. I always felt a hole and when I look back in my early writing I talk often about the empty hurt that was in my gut all the time. I had no idea what it was and the more I worked on my therapy, the more pronounced it became. It is the Solar Plexus Chakra and for those who follow chakra studies, it is the chakra that represents personal power and self-esteem. I have also read that it is healed when connected to spirit as are the other Chakras. I would agree. I also felt alone all the time. It was a desolate alone that a room full of people did not resolve.
But in all the work and studies and books I have read, I have never been comfortable with going back fully to a Christian state of mind. This is where our conversation at lunch led us.
MC spent a great deal of time explaining her belief in Jesus and that HE is God. I do not think this at all. My belief is Jesus was a great teacher, who like many, had a very strong connection with God and knew what to do with it. He had the gift of gab along with great PR and many followers who through time have made this man what he is today. I just cannot get past the fact that he is MAN….Human. God is spirit void of anybody or form. So we tousled these concepts around with her justifying her comments from quotes from the Bible. I guess I have to admit here that I do not think the Bible is the end all. It is words made holy by the interpretation of man. It is a history book. It is curriculum. It is open for interpretation and hence the rub. It is subjective. I cannot get past the concept of people using it as a weapon and excuse for piss poor behavior.
We talked for over three hours. We disagreed and then came back to a harmonious place of conceding to each other. I think I may have thrown some wrenches in her concrete thinking. I know she did me. But I am still not convinced nor do I feel her argument and dissertation swayed me to reconcile. But it does make me wonder if there is something I am wrong about or missing?
Our biggest discussion was her belief that Christ is coming back to save all Christians…..and ONLY Christians. He died to save Christians and will come again. This was the overview of my answer. I explained to her my concept that we are all nothing more than energy. When our cell based bodies break down, the energy dissipates and we break into millions of particles of energy that get recombined in the ether and a new being is formed. Hence no two beings are alike. However, since we are all made up of particles from somewhere else, would it not make sense we have cells that hold imprinting and memory? When Jesus died, did his body not break down like every human? So would it not make sense that there are particles of him floating around that have grown in strength and number with all those who have a common belief? I think this is what this current flood of awakening is all about. This is the return of God to humans. We know we are born with the Light of God in us. We have freewill to decide to keep it lit or not. We can learn to make it flow, to heal and to love. I cannot accept that God turns anyone away because they are not Christian. I do not believe God thinks we are bad and need to be saved. He loves everyone equally. He gives us brains and hearts and the ability to choose. The rest is up to us. Does my concept mean there are bad cells out there? Absolutely! And they too can “win” if we are not careful. I know I have a cellular imprint that makes me crave chocolate cake.
I think what is happening is there are more people moving away from the structured religions and turning to faith, and pure and simple guidance for a way of living filled with love and compassion. As we talked, I sensed in her some confusion. She started to talk about the feeling of connection; that amazing flow that opens when we connect with the Devine. She spoke as if I had no idea. I gently smiled and let her go on for a bit. Of course I knew of what she spoke.
The room had emptied and they were vacuuming. It was time to go. We had swapped and shared and created a connection that I think is very special. There will be a time and place for further conversations, as I learned a lot from her. I think she did also from me, even though she said I was a bit out there.
On the long ride home, I reviewed in my thoughts about what had transpired. I was not really changed and I know she was not either; both of our belief systems are strong. She has made me quizzical in proceeding with finding out more about her concepts. In my head, I realized how much has changed for me. When did the hole in my gut disappear? It was so prevalent a few short months ago. What happened that made me so secure in myself and my faith? When did that alone feeling that haunted me for so long go away. I now crave my alone time as it is when I am either writing, praying or meditating. I have had my chakras read and they are all open and circling just fine. I feel the flow of God’s light and wonder why? I know when it happened, but why did I not feel it for so long? I am in total amazement every time I sense God’s touch and feel the love flow through me. I am an honest seeker, and learner. Do we ever really know……. ALL?
MarDrag’s post http://fromthedeskofmardrag.wordpress.com/