Accept

“Accept”. I keep hearing and seeing this word. The message is in many contexts and comes from a variety of sources. Acceptance, the act of accepting. I struggled this morning to write because I am being bombarded with this in my head. Accept! It has taken me two days to sit down and write about this. I have seen multiple writings and posts on this word and it seems to be on many lips. Accept. I have fought this concept for years because it was my dated principal to always question. I now realize that it is fine to question, but in the end, there are things we need to accept. We can change only so many things in their entirety. My conflict in my head is acceptance of things I always thought I should change but now I understand that there is a peace and comfort that comes with acceptance. Accepting actually allows for more change than running full force into controlling situations. One is natural, the other only creates frustration and anger which blocks the process. I equate it with the roller coaster concept. You will have ups and downs, but if you accept the fact that life is just that, and if you sit with peace and joy as you progress on the track, you will eventually return to the safe home. So throw your hands up and feel the breeze.
Oh, I speak so poetically. HA! If only it was so easy. But we know it is not. We want to run or control and not feel the pain and frustration when we are in situations we do not like. I am terrible when it comes to being out of control. I struggle accepting the motives and plans of others when I know it is a disaster waiting to happen. I have to step back and think HARD, who am I to say that their plan is wrong? This is especially difficult when it is a family member. I guess it is because I have learned the impact of their poor choices can and usually requires some maintenance on my behalf to repair. I think it is also because I want what is best for them. But who am I to say what is best?
I see many of my friends struggling with their existence and I think how unfair. “Oh…here let me fix it.” I am going to try and stop that. Who am I to think I should try to fix their lives. I have to learn to accept that this is totally their path and wish them well on their way. If I do not choose this, I will continue to suffer as I feel a lack of gratitude for my assistance, which was not required in the first place. My offerings, although giving in compassion have left me empty and disappointed and I think there is a better way to help. I have to accept that there are many, many things I cannot resolve for others, and be at peace with it. And who am I to think my resolution is the best?
I paused in my writing here as the next situation is so ridiculous that I have already decided that it is way out of my control. Instead, at work, I am more focused on just doing what I can and not fighting a losing battle with trying to control a huge project. It is easy right now, as I fresh from some time off. I need to keep my objectivity and walk away at night leaving the stress and confusion at my desk. I will persevere in doing the best I can to make the progress of this project come out to the best result. But I am accepting that this may not happen. I am not adding that it is alright, because it is not. I am just trying to keep my personal feelings out of the fray. If I lose my job, my life will continue. I like what I do very much, but I do not like “stupid” and there is an abundance of that floating around currently. But then I sit back and think; who am I to say that?
The answer is that I am the best at only knowing what I am and not who everyone else is. I do not know what is the best way to do something all the time, but I know the way for me to do my best. I have to keep my focus on the principal always do the best for me, and stop manipulating others to be what I deem the best. Only they can do that for themselves. There are times as a teacher that is the job: to judge and assess my pupils understanding and are they doing their best? It is hard sometimes to step away from that role in other arenas of my life. And it especially hard to accept not being in control of others because of the chaotic upbringing I had. I have to accept the past and learn, but move on.
My current lesson is to learn acceptance. I have to work on acceptance even when it is painful. Yesterday, as I was pulling into work, I saw a deer up the road running across. It was beautiful and I watched in horror as someone hit it and I saw it fly into the air. The image will be eternally burned in my head. Once I pulled into the parking lot, I sat and cried. I felt so helpless and upset because I could have not stopped that from occurring. Some would say I am over sensitive. I accept that and I know I cannot ever change that because in reality, I do not want to. I accept that this situation was horrible, but I also accept that I could have done nothing to stop it. My grief is the only thing I can control and so I do.
I will struggle daily with acceptance. I do feel there is a more grounded resource in my soul to help deal with the freedom of releasing control of others. I sense an internal guidance system that was not previously there. I am content with the concept that there is enough work for me to do on myself to keep me very busy for a while. And I accept that.