This will probably be my last blog post for four or five days. MY husband and I are taking a much need trip to our favorite place. I could probably write up there but they do not have internet in the rooms. The place is an old resort that has been around for over a century. It has been renovated and is lovely. The family who owns it treats us like we are part of their family. We have been going there for seven years and love it. We have made friends of some of the staff. The matriarch of the family runs the kitchen and will sit down at our table to chat and complain and holds little back. She is endearing and I hope when I get to be close to eighty that I am still the powerhouse she is. It is like going to a beloved family reunion only better as we have privacy and we do not have to lift a finger.
I admit I am running away. I need to take a break. The River sooths me and revitalizes me like no other place. Lately I feel splayed and raw. I need to recharge. My strength has been zapped and I am crawling through the day with little vitality and energy. When I get like this, I seem to be over sensitive to everything and react with uncontrolled emotions and angst. I hate it and yet I am unable to contain it. I reach out only to feel like I am being ignored or abandoned. This is probably the good intention of friends to help me heal on my own. But right now, I could just use a hug.
There are many things we are facing this summer. My husband is having eye surgery. At first, it was supposed to be a simple cataract removal but on closer inspection, the cataract is huge and the surgery may be more involved. He is having this done on one eye immediately when we come back and then in another two weeks they will do the other eye. I feel bad for him as I would not want someone to mess with my eyes. But the relief for his inability to see will be amazing. But I am still very concerned as they were going to only numb his eye and now they are talking a deeper anesthesia. He is not a healthy man at all. He is also looking at surgery for venous leg issues. Although I know these things will make him better, I still have some anxiety about it.
I am also facing what is turning out be a major cluster at work. We will be rolling out a new documentation process which goes live in three months. I cannot put into words how derailed this process is already. The person who is in charge is way over her head. An example of the ineptness of her leadership, she forgot to secure for me a password to access the on line training modules to start reviewing them and the only person with the authority to give credentials is away for a while. And last week, she decided they do not want to use the existing training but feels we should design specific training for our company. “WE”, who is WE? Ok, just typing this made me breathe in short spurts. The work load for this summer and fall is so out of reality that when I think of what is expected I want to get sick. I usually enjoy challenges but do not have the strength right now to be calm. Instead I am swirling around and out of control inside and I know I have to put a lid on this immediately.
My journey is taking on new adventures when I come back. I am going to be starting classes in Reiki. I will be taking more classes in Healing Touch Therapy this fall. I feel a compulsion to learn about different modalities of alternative healing. It is a very strong desire. I was worried that I would not have the right stuff to do this, but I have discovered that I do. I am also not so worried about the end usage as much as I am a student only and driven to learn.
My time spent working with specific guides has changed and is also waning. This is a very hard transition for me as I am still feeling very insecure about a lot of things. Although my health has improved greatly, which was the primary reason I started this whole process, I feel vulnerable and weak. I am hoping that some time alone on the River will help with the pain in my heart which is actually very acute right now.
This blog has been a wonderful device for me to discharge some of my worries and has produced amazing feedback which has encouraged me in times of strife. I realize that everything in general will be fine but right now, I am too tired to see and I am just weary. I cannot hear the messages I need and I know in the quiet of the River, I will find some of the solace I need desperately right now.