Missing the iceberg

I do not usually write twice in one day on my blog, but I felt it was necessary to circle back after my pitiful post this morning. I hate feeling so lost, I truly do. So I wanted to thank everyone who sent me such lovely thoughts and prayers and tell you what happened.

I drove to work in a dank fog, both in my head and in the air. The rain splattered my windshield and provided enough of a cover so that no one could see I was crying. No one should drive to work crying and this was the third time this week. I said my prayers again for some peace and unity and that I would be strong enough to handle anything coming my way during the day.

I opened my email as I do every morning and found a meeting request from the person who I was having such horrible difficulties with. I thought she was going to back down from the semi-agreement we put together in our last meeting but I accepted in hopes I would be wrong. I went off to facilitate my Core team as we had a guest speaker, the other person who was in the earlier meeting this week. She greeted me with such warmth and it was like all issues never happened and we were back to a smooth working unit. I relaxed and the 15 participants in the group had a wonderful productive meeting. I forgot the angst and felt that calm in my gut that had vacated earlier.

I attended the next meeting with the other person, and it was again, non-confrontational. After that meeting we walked back to her office for a private conversation where we both spit out all our concerns and calmly regained the cohesive prior working relationship we had established. I do not care to have intense friendships with co-workers but I also do not want adversaries. I realized the grip I had placed unconsciously on myself and let it go. I was so tired. This is what I hate about being in a hostile work environment. The toll it takes on my body. Even though I know better, I am still struggling with connecting my physical reaction with the mental one and letting the mental one be in control. A quick nap resolved my energy and I am back to me. And that is just fine.

Do not think me stupid enough to trust this situation to be all roses and light. I do have  enough business acumen to know better. I just did not want to spend my eight hours plus in a high school environment with petty bickering. I think we have resolved that this will not be the situation. I felt comfortable enough to tell her I would not tolerate it. She also admitted what I knew going in. She needs me more than I need her. And that is also just fine.

I thought on the way home that some might think my worries are childish and I need to put value on something more grand. I guess to some extent, my passion is not comprehended by some as necessary. I decided, it is the way I roll. I was born this way. Ha! But as I drove home, I asked myself the same thing I used to ask my students at the end of a project. “What did you learn?” I learned to accept there are times that I will be passionate and there are times that passion will change something. But there are times it might not. This fortunately was one of those times the investment was worth it. This was not about me. It was about making a huge change process not become a monster. It was about retaining employees and connecting crucial staff to the project. As I said to the person in charge, I do not want the responsibility of overseeing this, I just want it to work and without casualties. I learned I overreact. I could hang my head in shame, but I am not going to. I accept this about myself and will continue to work on making it something I can contain. I also accept my passion and in fact in the early conversation with everyone, this fact was brought up several times as a positive attribute. I learned that my body’s physical reaction is more evident than I think as I looked in the mirror this morning and saw two dark circles ringing my eyes. I learned that my normally controlled eating habits go down the tubes and I am not even aware of it. Yesterday, I sat at my desk and consumed five cookies I brought into share and as I went to reach for the sixth, the reality of my consumption hit me. I smirk because I excuse myself as I think six cookies are better than six glasses of vodka, my old pain killer.

But the biggest thing I learned is how powerful prayer is and how amazing it works. My friend sent me a scripture (Ephesians) and it brought great comfort to me to know I was not alone in this battle. For ages, people have struggled in similar battles, dealing with demons and what I would refer to in current vernacular as a**holes.  The responses in my blog were like virtual hugs to say; “keep on the path, you’re doing fine.”  Every time I go through something lately, I learn so much. I keep thinking where the hell was I when these lessons were being taught? It does not matter. I am an avid student now.

So thank you everyone. With abundant gratitude to The Creator and all the spirits who guide us on our way; I am humbled by your work.



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