I am struggling this morning to write something that is not going to come out as whining or complaining. Even though this is my spot to put my thinking, I really do not want to add to the angst that I am feeling. I hate this feeling by the way and I have been working very diligently on learning techniques to not let it over take me. I went to bed early and spent time in prayer and using my relaxing tricks and it work. I slept well with quiet dreams and woke only when it was time. But I feel the edges creeping inward and in the light of day, I see the shadow lurking.
The cause of my concern is totally out of my control. It is related to my place of work and stems from a situation which I have been dealing with recently. I am projecting this situation in to the future…….I know. I know….”Live in the present moment!” This is one of those situations where I need a lesson plan to follow. And if this situation would only impact me and the projected outcome would not be so horrific, I could with some serious concentration, but it aside.
But it will impact everyone. It already has. We are on the Titanic and I see the iceberg. Yesterday, I faced the situation in a small discussion with the offending participants and expressed my concerns which were not heard. Matter of fact, they shared information which I did not know which is going to make the situation…well the only word that popped in my head is ridiculous. My intuition is in overdrive on this, and I am glad I at least did the right thing by exposing concerns yesterday. But the resolve is not there and the direction they wish to go is off the edge of cliff. I am struggling because I am not a lemming. Nor is the corps of well-seasoned and highly distinguished nurses who have come into my confidence about this matter.
I have faced apprehensions before. In truth, I have been consumed and fed the drama that ensued from matters that had less potential for disaster. I joined in the hand wringing and postulation of the group for the imminent catastrophe. I do not want to go there this time. I have things in place in my personal life that the loss of employment would not be devastating. Hence, my bravado yesterday to call the meeting of the captain and first mate. They were so wrapped up in their egos they were unable to hear any of my concerns. This proves why I do not become close to anyone at work in a social capacity. As I looked at the captain’s face, I could see reality was coming to the forefront but I know she will not do anything about her long time friend’s inability to steer this ship. She handpicked her for this assignment.
So I hear all the great advice and counsel I have received in the past months about how I should handle this and the feelings that are coming in waves. But I am unfortunately struggling mightily. My forecast indicates that their inability to see the disastrous results of their poor planning will impact my work load greatly. I wrote that calmly but in my head it is screaming in other words which are not so gentle. But the thing that is bothering me the most is how this is impacting the work environment. In a flippant comment made yesterday, they laughed off that they lost fifty percent of the work force from a previous change process. Yes, 50%. When I asked for clarification, they made excuses about other places of work attracting them and that they survived. I am totally at a loss as to how they would even contemplate that this was ok.
So, now to me…..I am so lost on this one. I am trying to get in place that this is only a job and that it survived without me before and will survive without me afterwards. However, I cannot seem to get the constricting bands that are starting to tighten to not. My breath is shortening and try as I am, the fear is there. I am reasoning through the fact that I have done what I can at this point. But this morning I must face the nurses who came to me for guidance and I feel I have failed. I know their ability to walk is very real and their loss will only expedite the crash. Again, I know this too is their personal choice and out of my control. Their solidarity and support of my leadership is something I am much honored to have. It is not about my ego needing to be stroked either. This is about all of us facing head on ….I was going to say a wall…..but in essence it is just stupidity.
My prayers are not for the solution to the situation. I understand my parameters in order to affect the total outcome of this matter. My prayer is for the simple release from the impending dragon’s mouth. It is my earnest desire to not be sucked down into the physical and mental anguish which is so easily produced if I am unaware. I know I need to institute the power of not giving a dam, more recently referred to as F**K-it. Search as I might, I cannot find that resolve yet. My prayer is for finding the right words to have when people look to me to navigate a smoother crossing. My prayer is to find peace in the current which in short order is going to be very turbulent ending in a syphoning vortex. I want my light back and I am angry that I am still so weak that I am still allowing others to steal it.
So this did evolve in to a pity party so I am stopping. I will publish this only in hopes that I may receive some of the answers to my prayers.