I came to an impasse recently. A true bottle neck of my own making. Problem was I did not know what it was, what was causing it and since that information was missing I had no clue how to get rid of it or go over the wall. Two guides had sensed and had attempted to help me eliminate this issue. I was the only one who could take care of this block and I knew I had to do something soon as it was undoing a lot of the work I had done. Seems the block was visible to some people in my life, and their gift was to make me aware. But it was mine to figure it all out and work to get rid of it. Not a small task by any means. I am writing about it in hopes that maybe someone else might get something from it. I am also writing because writing has become crucial in my healing process.
Yesterday I went to see my new friend and teacher who is a Healing Touch Practitioner. She discovered something that was apparent and discovered a while ago by another dear friend, teacher and therapist in my circle. Something was amiss on my left side. He discovered it when he walked to the left side of me and saw my face change. He said it is my most vulnerable side for taking in cues. Most of my pain manifests also on my left side. I have struggled mightily to figure out why that side and yesterday we figured it out. The rest of my story takes a huge leap of faith to accept and I do. It was a true ah-ha moment.
This new practitioner is able to see when she is doing her therapy. She sees energy fields and other images about the client she is working with. She explained what she saw after I related what I felt, which was profound. She had been into the session for a bit when she placed her hands on my chest. She had done this before but yesterday the effect brought tears to me. I was very under and my eyes never opened, but the tears rolled out of the corners. I felt very deep sadness, like someone was gone. When it happened she left and she moved on to do other things. She came back to my heart chakra and I felt I could not breathe. There was a lot of small details that were happening, but the gist of this is not relevant to the outcome I am writing about. I had to open my mouth to get air but it was in the same deep rhythmic cadence I had set when I went under. She moved up my head and again, the tears flowed. She came over to my left side and cupped my hand in hers. She did this for a long time. She then hand over hand went up my left arm and stopped with her left hand on my shoulder. Usually her hands exude large quantities of heat when she does her work. But when she got to my shoulder, her left hand was ice cold. I felt cold on my left side as well but it was short lived. She continued on to do some more work and finished with her grounded of me and the session was over. It took me a long time to come back up to the current world.
We sat and I related how perplexed I was about the crying. I told her I felt grief and then when she walked to the end of the table I thought she had left me. She had actually never left me. She said when she first met me, she thought that my energy sphere around me was off kilter. She explained yesterday, there was actually another being or energy incased with me. It was attached to my left side. She had severed it. Hence the cold.
Purposefully, we have not talked about my past. She had never been privy to the dark secrets that I have uncovered recently. She knew little of the relationship with my parents. She does that on purposed. She talked about how this being was attached and not necessarily for good. She sensed jealousy or envy is a better word. She said this person had loved me but had a lot of remorse. She also said this person was a negative influence on me. She also said this person needed to go and so she severed it from me. She said more but it is personal. The tears again welled up in my eyes and they began to flow again. I knew exactly who it was. It surprised me because I never would have thought it. The right side of your body is the paternal side, the left is maternal. The energy being was my mother.
My friend had no idea who the being was and had no idea my mom was gone. I am not going to rehash my relationship with my Mom. It was not good. She did her best, but I have been carrying a lot of anger. I was still listening to her harping and negativity, her incessant complaining about my imperfections. How could I avoid it? She was right there. She literally was the voice in my head. I have sensed for the longest time a sadness about something that was not my doing and did not fit in my history. I cannot explain it more than that. Her father abandoned her and the family when she was in her teens. I felt the emotion of being abandoned by a male but was always confused because I was not abandoned by my father. Oh no, I had to take care of him until he died. It was a relief when he left this world. When I started therapy and meditation, I struggled with breathing. I could not take a deep breath. I can now, but during the session, I could not. My mother was a heavy smoker and died of lung cancer. I also was feeling other issues from her childhood which she never resolved and made things a bit confusing for me. I think if I had the where-for-all to dig, I would find much that would explain things. But I am not going to.
The one thing I did have to do was deal with the anger. I have dealt with other issues quite successfully and thought I was pretty much set on the big anger issues. I have been blocked and unable to release this chunk of anger because I had no idea what was the cause. And I was blocked because if I had released the anger on my own, I probably would have severed the attachment on my own but I did not know it was there. Not being good at releasing anger, I am doing it in small bits and by hand writing it on paper. I will burn the paper soon when I feel I have completed the exercise.
There is already a sense of freedom and relief. Because I am still working on my anger, I am not going to say my world is suddenly glowing and daisies are popping up. But I do sense less negative talk. I have been shocked by the veraciousness of my words on the paper. I also have switched from just spewing my anger to including forgiveness in my handwritten words. I know this is where the real healing comes from. So I am beginning to feel some peace. I also feel more mature as I have felt often like a very young child and did not understand why. During the session after she released the attachment, she said I stretched my head up and smiled. She said I had grown up a bit.
For those who are into numerology or just coincidence: My other died at the age I am. It is 36 years ago she died and she was 36 when she gave birth to me…. for the first time.