Earlier today I wrote about signs and vision. Tonight I have to journal about the next turn in the road. But first I have to go back a few posts ago when I talked about jumping…no wait I said I was pushed….off a cliff. I said I was airborne. I did not share with all that it was short lived. I crashed hard, face first, mentally and physically. A sense of failure began to take hold, but that too was short lived. What a gift it is to be able to get out of the muck on my own. I have no desire to remain there for any length of time. I would be beyond naïve if I thought my life was going to be perfect and that there would never be difficulties again. The difference is that what is happening is now, and not a chance to revisit old wounds. The robe of victim does not fit me anymore.
Today I met someone who is awesome. She will understand that. She is a practitioner who is a friend of one of my guides. I went to see her for two reasons. To find out about a class I am taking and……well, at first I was not sure why I wrote her and asked to see her. It was something that just happened. I think that it was the first steps from the rebound from this last crash. To give a little more on this: I decided after I brushed all the dirt off and licked my wounds…I actually have a banged up knee, I put forth a decree. It does not matter what it was as it was not meant for anyone other than the Creator to hear. It has not bought about some loud clanging of cymbals announcing a change in the world. It is and will be a subtle change of transformation. Enough said. So as I wrote earlier, I am on the lookout for signs and I am receiving them loud and clear. Writing to her was chance and the fact she responded so invitingly was a huge sign.
The moment I saw her as she opened the door, I felt a familiarity. To that fact I uttered: “I know you.” I did not in this realm. We sat and talked for over an hour. She reassured me of many of my unfounded fears for this up-coming class. Words poured from her as if she knew exactly what to say. She did. At one point she hit something so poignant I started to cry. I never used to cry in front of people. I am learning who I can trust. It was interesting that when we were talking, I smelled a strong comforting scent and then it would disappear. It was often after she said something that hit home. There was calm and soothing bond that I felt was developing. I was totally at ease and spoke with no shame. Actually, I spoke very little as I wanted to not bring my past into this present moment experience. It did not belong. I had to tell of a few things so she could understand my connection and how I got to be sitting in her chair.
We moved to her table and she explained what she was going to do. Again, no fear, no trepidation. I just lay down and immediately began to breathe in the oils she had prepared. I am not going to detail the experience because it is personal. But it was awe some….. important word. But I will tell you what she discovered as it is quite profound. She had no details of my past. She had no way of knowing as much as she did. I could sense her only though her touch of her hands. But the colors that I saw in my mind’s eyes were telling their own story. And the colors were the paint that matched what she found. I have always thought of myself as a visual person. I never lost any of my sensitivity to color. I lost the ability to touch and be touched. But I think I have been somewhat successful at learning that sense again. What I did not know was I lost the ability to hear. She said my ears were packed so tight that there was no way anything could get in. She was much more eloquent in her words. And she said that there were black cords attached from my ears to my heart. Without knowing me, she said that I had packed my ears to protect myself from harmful words and that the cords were from what had gotten in. She had worked at severing the cords and removing the packing. She also explained that I had weaponry that I carried in my back. She explained it as like an arrow quiver slung over my shoulder so I could reach back and pull an arrow when needed. We talked for a while about being a female warrior and how often the armor and weapons were more a cause of pain than protection. They create a false sense of security. Female warriors use different weapons and protection then men. There was much more to this and she taught me a lot.
But the fact that she disarmed me and removed my protection produced a sense of fear for the protection was there for a reason. But, being the consummate teacher she is, she gave me a lesson to work on to produce a better form of protection. A more living and loving form a white protection that has resilience to repel without breaking. I am a grateful student.
And to that point, I also discovered something this week which is spectacular. It came from a disruptive experience and handed to me as I left one day. I am surprised the papers did not spontaneously combust. I am learning that adversity is often the place to grow from. It is not all bad. The writing said: “At the end of your life, may you look back upon your journey without regret, but with overwhelming joy, fulfillment and gratitude.” The lesson was to guide you to redirect your course. But I was already on board and finding the wind. But to where? My answer in a moment. The second hand out was about listening. How synchronous. I had tossed the papers aside and only pulled them out this morning. “Listening is a powerful learned human skill…” it read. I have always struggled with hearing what it being said. Not for the auditory component but the content. How could I not? My filters were so clogged that very little was getting through and little of it was affirming. And the most mute voice was mine.
So to my answer; what is going to bring me joy and fulfillment? This was answered because I listened. Learning brings me joy. I love discovery, I love to put pieces of puzzles of life together and see how they fit. I crave the challenge to learn new things. But the ecstasy is in the teaching of what I learn. I am in the learning process right now and have been for a while. I am like a sponge. Things I can use are being absorbed and will have their place in what I teach. For once in my life I do not feel like I am struggling. I do not feel like I have to prove anything to anyone, which is really amazing for me to feel and articulate as that had been a huge issue for me. I can learn and do whatever I want because it is not about what other people think I can do or not. I learned math, but I am no mathematician. I can add and subtract and believe it or not do much of it my head.
So there is joy in the knowledge I have a purpose. My joy is not off the scale jubilation but more of a calm peace knowing that as I progress I will be where I need to be, when I need to be there. The lessons will be provided so that in turn, I will be able to do what I was born to do. I have a lot to study and much to practice. My skills will come. I know that solid in my heart.
So mote it be!