I spent the night in bed with Charlie, along with my husband and cat. It was too crowded. Charlie is my nickname for charlie horses and is definitely not an invited bed companion. Charlie has spent the night sporadically in my life but not as much as in the past year. There is no real physical cause for his visits. I am well hydrated, eat sufficient potassium, and I stretch or walk. There is no physical correlation to his arrival and he is certainly not invited. Seems this is a manifestation of the emotional turmoil I am in. Recently I discovered charlie shows up when I am serving anger for a meal. The table has been bountiful this week.
I tried breathing through the relentless pulling in my calf muscles. When I am really in knots, charlie takes no mercy and attacks either legs and has known to engulf the whole leg. Last night, I sequestered myself early to think about some of the things going on in my life. I then attempted to breathe and try to meditate when charlie announced his arrival. He left me alone for about three hours and then spent the night harassing me. The result is me being even more worn out and the residual memory of his visit will impair my walking all day.
Of all the things and tools I have acquired, I do not have a tool I am comfortable to work with for dealing with anger. As a child, I saw so much of it that I have never been able to handle witnessing it. I shut down. That is why I do not watch TV for the most part. It is too angry and violent. There is so much nastiness in the world that to subject one’s self to purposefully watching it makes me crazy. I don’t read or watch the news. If it is important, I will find out about it. But I cannot close myself off to my own anger. Instead, I repress it and then charlie comes to call. I do not like to scream at people and yet, I do it and then inherit copious amounts of guilt. And then I get angry at myself… it is a self-perpetuating circle.
So the bag of anger I am carrying right now is pretty heavy. The guilt bag is even more so. I am angry that my husband is sick and we just found out last week that he is facing surgery to repair his eyes and leg. He is diabetic and is not one who has ever taken care of himself. I have known for a while that there is a high probability of my future being a caregiver. I just did not think it was going to be so soon. I am angry because he has and continues to make choices the exacerbated the situation. I am angry because I wanted to have a future that included traveling and enjoying our time together. It is a cruel joke that we have the means and now may not have the ability do this. I am angry about this and because it would be beyond my ability to abandon anyone, let alone him, I have been internalizing this for a while. But last night he went in search of dinner and found every high carb count item he could. In my house, you have to search. And as he began to create this unholy feast at 9pm, I got angry and went to bed and was promptly visited by charlie. And then charlie’s best friend shows up, Mr. guilt. I do not capitalize their names as they are not proper.
On the top ten list is also the fact that I am playing in a recital on Sunday for my recorder group. I do not want to. I began playing for fun and to get back into music. It was an activity my friend and I were doing together. She dropped out and I continued with the two other girls. I am dreading this recital. I was going to tell the instructor last week that I was not going to play and he was crestfallen. I am not bragging, but out of the others, I am the best. I was all set last night to tell him that I was not going to be in the recital if one of the other women did not show. She has repeatedly not shown for class. But last night, there she was all ready to go and excited about the performance. The instructor is counting on me to hold the soprano line of the quartet as he is playing the alto line. After rehearsal with the small group, the larger ensemble rehearsed their piece. It is a simple chart and I can normally play it with little difficulty. But last night, I had six fingers on each hand. I was so angry that I literally fled the rehearsal hall in hopes of finding some respite at home. See above paragraph about how that turned out.
The top of play list is what is going on with a situation that happened on Monday. I am not going into details because those who need to know; do. I am not handling the anger I feel at all and I am reacting poorly. I am aware of all this and yet, I cannot seem to find resolve. The physiological sensations this has cause during my waking hours include stomach and head aches and a detached sense of reality. I feel like I am in a bad dream that I cannot escape. Last night charlie came to dance.
I am not giving up nor am I willing to surrender to a dragon’s mouth. I am confused. I am up in the air with no flight plan. I would be lying if I said I was not hurt, and I am not sure how deep the wound is. Right now it is very deep. And I am angry because it doesn’t have to be this way. And I am guilty because…I do not know how to deal well with the anger.