A while ago, I wrote a post about face plants. It is my analogy of when I am going through a reaction from my therapy and I get all “messed up” and hypersensitive. I lose all sense of reality, feel like crap and usually I revert to an emotional reaction that is based somewhere in my childhood. I am totally ungrounded and at loose ends for a while. When I first started therapy, the reaction would last for days and sometimes weeks. I went back into the emotional intelligence of an eight or sixteen year old, depending on what button got pushed. I would run around emoting and my body would react with muscle spasms or the feeling of someone having a grip on my legs. This was my reality for the last none months. Slowly, the reactions would lesson and I would usually end up in a face plant. That is what I referred to when I hit the bottom of the reaction. I would fall over flat on may face. I would then get up and brush myself off and be ok. It was my symbolism of the grounding. I did not actually fall over. Until tonight.
Symbolism is very powerful if you believe. It is everywhere. But you have to know how to look for it. Today, as I wrote earlier, I saw a hawk capture a mouse and it was a very powerful message. So powerful, I actually wrote about it at work. I never do that. But the symbolism was too strong. Rising Hawk, a fellow blogger and guide, has explained to me the powerful symbol a hawk represents. I would see them in the sky, but never paid much attention until I read his book and started talking to him via email. You can catch his writing at http://risinghawkspeaks.wordpress.com/. Since then I have seen hawks almost every day, except when I was all strung out. They would disappear. One time when I was really have a bad time, a friend and I were walking and stopped. Not just stopped, I was halted. I tried to move forward but the draw to turn around was too great and so we did. I spun around and there was the huge female hawk that was devouring a small animal, which I could not see. I saw her pull some stringy piece from her meal and she slowly turned her head and looked directly at me. She was maybe fifteen feet away at most. She just looked at me for a while and then turned back to her victim. As if it was suddenly not important, she spread her massive wings and took flight. My friend and I were in awe. I had no idea they were that big as that is a close as I have ever gotten to a raptor in the wild.
Today’s hawk was significantly important because I have been experiencing a real bad reaction. I reacted to something that was said to protect me, but I heard failure and weakness. I filtered from the past when people always would tell me I was oversensitive. The comments from the past were total criticism and meant to hurt, and so when I heard this current message, it cut me to the core. I reacted so quickly and felt all my hypersensitive organs go immediately into a fight response, which is interesting because I usually go to a freeze. My body flooded with adrenalin and for the past two days, I have been nauseous and dizzy. It was bad. I spent last night in total agony from charlie horses which was strange because the night before I slept fine. It was a delayed reaction compounded, I am sure, by the impact of building a totally disproportionate response that was accelerating. For the last two days, I have not thought about much else and my body is reacting in very unhealthy ways. When I am in the thick of it, I perseverate which makes everything much worse. And because I have not slept, well I am really a mess. On top of it all, I have to act like nothing is wrong all day when I really want to go to a closet and cry.
The comment out of context and without history will make little sense. It boils down to the reality of my ability to cope with tragedy and misery. I am hyper sensitive. No doubt about it. I have been my whole life. I have been told by several reliable people I am empathic. Choose to believe or not, my intuition is very strong and usually right. I am not going to go into a huge dissertation on empathic abilities. It is what it is. But I have a dream, well several, to do something to help people heal. Since I work in the health field, you would think that was a natural. But not so unless you are a clinician and as it has been pointed out to me by several people in a consistent manner, I am not a clinician, scientist, therapist or nurse. This latest comment was that I suffer too much. And in the clearer context, I think he meant to say I would suffer along with anyone I was trying to help. I immediately heard I was a failure, and unable to do something I really wanted to do. I think it was meant that the person did not want me to get hurt or be hurt by the pain of others. I immediately denied it and went on a rampage, raising my voice and poking the person in the chest. Not smart, as he could have broken me in two in a second. I was gone and although it sounds like I am not taking responsibility for my actions, which were inexcusable, I was out of control in a minute. I took a false sense of strength and stormed out into the whirlwind I have been ever since. At first I thought I had achieved something wondrous and now that time has passed, I realize my folly on many counts. And I am sorry. But I think it may be too late.
Back to the mouse in the hawk’s talons: as I passed the pair up in the tree I totally felt my stomach have that pang I get when I am reacting to something painful. I felt the mouse’s anguish or in other words, I empathized with the prey. Not that I was going to do anything about it, I just felt this very strong pull in my gut. It was suffering and so was I. The reality of my friend being right was not wasted on me. I was alone in the car, switching from laughing to crying. I thought of his face when I admitted he was right and how I would joke how he always is….. but I do not think I am going to get that chance.
So circling back around to the beginning of my post on face plants: I came home tonight after a full day. It was not a bad day at work, just full. But since I had not slept and I was still feeling dizzy and ill, I should have paid attention to what I was doing. I was out in my garden rearranging something and I turned to step up on to the back deck. I totally missed it and went down.
I have to write about the sensation. I have been so tight and afraid of falling that it had compounded my ability to move freely for years. It stopped me from playing tennis, a game I love. So the fact that I fell was not entirely a bad thing. It meant I was not afraid of movement. As I hit the deck with my foot, there was a moment when I thought, opps….nope I am ok,… no I am not…. and slowly as a crane tipping over, I went down. It was really in slow motion in my head. I felt my knee make contact first and I am paying big time for that. Then slowly down on my belly to my boobs I went and then stopped short of actually having my face hit the deck. I did a complete and thorough face plant. I was fine, once I got the breath I knocked out of me back. I slowly inventoried myself before I moved. I turned and was able to get up with my husband’s help who said he watched it happen. He said it was not slow. I hobble over to my chair and applied a bag of peas to my knee. It was then the realization of what had just transpired hit me. I did a real face plant and started laughing. Humor, the remedy for all pain: God’s medicine for what ails you.
As I am sitting here typing this, I am alternating crying with boughts of laughter. I think the laughter is winning. I hurt, oh yeah, no joke about that. I tore my knee up pretty good and I will have a huge bruise by morning. My back hurts from the jolt. But I am ok. I fell and actually the sensation of the free fall still remains with me. It was actually a neat sensation as I was totally not afraid. I just let it happen. I needed to release a huge pocket of fear. I literally knocked the crap out of myself. The symbolism is not wasted. I really hope I do not do this anymore, face plants real or metaphoric.
I just wish I could get the pain in my heart to stop hurting.