I am to a new place in my journey. I knew it was coming because I have been on an incline to the hill. My legs have been giving out and in pain as I made the effort up the hill which got stepper as I got to the top.
Last night I woke up at 1:22am. I hate that, but was not surprised after the day I had. My gut was on fire. I thought it was gas and that moment passed. (sorry) But the white hot remained. So I settled back and really took an inventory of my situation and how my body was feeling. I knew there was no going back to sleep until I did.
I felt the grip on my left leg, a common feeling for me of being trapped and out of control. I realized it was my anger that had a grip and there was nothing there. I was angry. Very angry. I thought through why I was angry and as I did, the grip lessened. Matter of fact, I decided to breath and concentrate on my breathing and just let my thoughts run free. I did this for a while and a lot ran through my head and my emotions played like a jukebox, changing with every tune. I am not going to share the top ten list, as it is only relevant to me.
But here is what I realized. I had climbed up a major hill. I was tired of the baggage that even though I have been chipping away at it, I was still lugging. It made the climb even more difficult. It was time to release the bag completely. I came to the realization actually this past weekend. I was working on an exercise where you take a traumatic event and analyze it for positive outcomes. I could not settle down and go back to that place. I could not make myself write one more epistle on something tragic from my past. The game was over and I won. They lost their place in my present life and are relegated to where they should be, in my past and not controlling my future. The stark reality was that I had formed an unnatural bond with the memories and I actually felt a disconnection of sorts when they were not controlling my present moment. I cannot explain that any better, and those who have been there will get that.
So back to the hill: When I am processing, I visualize and depict my thoughts through imagery. I think that is why I like photography, which actually allows me to capture what I see and the emotion I feel. The image that kept playing over and over was me standing in the edge of a cliff. I am not afraid and again I know this has to be. I climbed this hill to get to that edge. I purposefully had made this pilgrimage. There was a moment of absolute fear when I felt a push from behind. I knew it was coming and I thought I was prepared. I was angry at the person who pushed. The fear lessened and blended with a sense of awe. The feeling is that empty belly feeling when you go over a bump in the road and you are airborne for a moment.
So what is going to happen? I do not know. I am too busy trying to stay airborne.