Becoming aware can be a mixed blessing. I want to share this morning an experience I had last night. True, I have had a roller coaster week, but in all in all, I think I was pretty good at handling it. There were some real highlights, personal comments made to me that just made anything and everything bad disappear. I am now able to focus on those things and let the other stuff fall away. Or so I thought.
I was having a quiet night to myself, sitting in the garden and until I was chased inside because of a thunderstorm. I love thunderstorms. I spent the evening writing to a couple of friends. The quiet allowed me to really concentrate on my thoughts and wind down from all that happened in the week. Writing now is my preferred method of discharging.
I had to work on something else and so I put on my music which I stream from Pandora. I have a station I developed of my favorite tunes. When I first started my practice of writing to my guide, I would put this music on. I would spend hours writing of my terror and emotions, usually not happy thoughts or experiences. It was work that was at times gut-wrenching and I spent hours crying over my words. I have no regrets that I did that because it was how I got to here. And I am forever in the debt of my guide who would respond with compassion and care. What a gift.
Last night the music brought back memories. It was a massive cue and I was totally aware of the sensations that were happening. I felt the pang in my center that used to be there all the time. It was funny that I had not realized that it was gone until I sensed it again. I felt like an empty hollow feeling and came from my disassociation with the Creator and love. I thought it was my heart chakra. But it actually is lower and is the third chakra: the solar plexus chakra. This is the chakra of self-worth and self- esteem. The love that was missing was self-love. It took me this long to understand why it was the area of most sensitivity in my life. Last night, the sensation was strong and even this morning, I still sense it. Of all the chakras that were open this was the one with the biggest issues. I find it interesting that this chakra also corresponds with digestion, which is something that has never worked well in my life.
The music plays from speakers located on my left side. This is the side I am more sensitive and prone to taking in cues. As the music filled my ears, I actually felt some physiological changes in my systems. I felt my breathing become shorter. When I went to bed, I actually had to do some breathing exercises to get a deeper breath in me. I felt my heart speed up a bit and flutter. I have always had heart flutters since I was in kindergarten. I can remember being sent to the school nurse once because of it. I felt what I call flushes. My skin tingles and if I was in front of a mirror, I would have seen it actually change in appearance and color. It is not the same a blushing, but similar in sensation. The biggest change was in my personality. I became nasty. I felt it, knew it and yet, could not stop it. Out came the bitterness in my voice and the lack of patience which was something I lived with. I heard my father’s tone in my own voice and it caught me short. I turned off the music and went to bed.
This experience was a huge lesson for me. I am learning to be aware of cues. Good thing. I am aware of what and how my body is reacting. Great! But how do I now control it all? The thought of not being able to listen to my music makes me very sad and I do not think avoidance is the answer. I thought I would end up in pain and spend a night with Charlie….my nickname for charlie horses. But no, that did not happen and this morning there is not any new pain manifested. Wonderful! I did have bizarre dreams. I have a slight sensation residue of the third chakra, but that is ok.
To make this clear, because it seems the answer is simple. Stop reacting. It is not that simple. The reaction is often out of my control. This awareness is new for me and I am not a master of it. I was in the dragon’s mouth by the time I realized what was happening. My only ability to stop from being swallowed was to remove myself from the stimulus. For people who are like me, who react strongly from external cues, removing yourself from signals would be isolation. And even in that state you are not free.
I know the therapy, Associative Awareness Techniques, I am taking is the answer. I have been working towards this understanding for a long time. It is a big step for me to be aware. Huge step and I do not want to demean its importance. I am grateful for the knowledge. Now I want to be in control. If not in total control, better control. And if that is not possible, then I need to work on acceptance.