The misfit: The nonconformist, oddity and the loner. These are the definitions that came up for the word for how many of us feel. I have had conversations about this because I get lost in the alone part. I read about the “connection” and how we are all one. We are ‘one big ocean connected whether we want to be or not’. I find that too unsettling as I can’t comprehend how this could be. If we are all of one, then how is it that people do not fit in?
As I sat in my garden last night, I thought about the private hell some of my friends endure. They devote their lives to help others come out of their prisons yet are often still shackled with their own ghosts. Is anyone every truly free from their chains? Do we spend the rest of our loves chipping away at the cold grip often placed there for doing what we thought was the right thing or being who we were told to be? Where is the freedom for those who fought for ours? Where is the “Olly Olly oxen free” for being a good child?
The people who have the most influence in my life have all walked down some path of horror. The best writers I have read have formed their lessons from past events of some kind destruction and they are the survivors. Were they all placed in their difficult journeys so they would be there for those who follow and need them? Would this not be enough of a connection to know this?
And just so I do not get flamed, I am not in the mood for a lecture of spiritualism and being connected with God. It is not about that. Jesus was one of the biggest misfits of his time. Look what happened to him? He too felt alone, forsaken.
Through all my work on healing, the perception of being alone remains. I feel like this and have for most of my life. I can be in a room full of people I know, and feel like I am cast out, not a part of the group. I think the strength comes from not caring, but I do. As I sat in my green living room, surrounded with birds and small animals, there was a sense of peace. This in itself is a huge blessing. But the sense of aloneness, which is a state of being created internally, was heavy on my heart. I do not mind being an oddity. I sometimes strive for that as I do not like conformity based on blind acceptance, never have. I wonder if I would not be so alone if I did just follow the pack, but I never have and probably never will. I am fine with that.
But that misfit…. The being alone…. That I am still reaching for an answer.