I am feeling like I am slipping down a muddy hill. I cannot seem to get a grip. I was doing so well for such a long time. But last night I felt the slow grip of melancholy coming on. I have not felt defeated in a while and I had forgotten what a damp weight it can be on my heart, which is where it lands. When this came over me in the past, I could with some work determine the trigger. This time it does not seem like it is from the past, but more of a current situation. I have felt it approaching for the last week. It sneaks up and floods me making me cry. The irony is that I feel alone even though I had a house full of people all weekend long and had a marvelous time. I was happy. But the shadow was sneaking up. It makes no sense.
I cannot determine if the physical pain I have is a manifestation of the sadness or the pain is causing the sadness. I have been more active in the past couple of weeks because of the good weather and gardening. My reward is the leaden pain that is flowing through my legs and lower back. Now is the time I normally feel the need to justify the pain as people with their judging eyes say “could it be from being so heavy?” Well of course it is, but it is not like I have just become the physical being I am overnight. This in not muscle pain …..and I start to try and explain the lava that slowly flows in my joints that if I am still, does not erupt into flames. Psoriatic arthritis is a demon which has a mind of its own. The more I do, the more I hurt. Last night I could hardly get up the steps into my house. From the beginning, my goal for all of this therapy was to stop this pain. I wanted to get off the poison that I was taking to stop the progression of this disease. It is a drug with side effects so laden with the possibility of cancer that it is death sentence on its own. This is modern medicine. Now I am wondering if I am going to have to rely on this toxin in order to move. It is a duel with me being in the middle.
But to the melancholy; I am feeling lost. I know there would come a time when I would come to a crossroads and I would have to travel on independently. I thought I would be better equipped for this inevitable part of my journey but I am feeling abandoned. I think this is why my legs have been in so much pain lately. My body is mirroring my mentally induced inability to move on. All three of my guides have traveled on in one form or another. Selfishly, I was not ready for this change. I am the lost child. I can assign all kinds of deep meaning to all this, but the bottom line is… I hurt. When I hurt like this, I close off and retreat to my cave like a wounded animal. I can feel the lure of the darkness and I long for the cool stillness. But the world is calling and so I must hobble into my day.