Lost child

I am feeling like I am slipping down a muddy hill. I cannot seem to get a grip. I was doing so well for such a long time. But last night I felt the slow grip of melancholy coming on. I have not felt defeated in a while and I had forgotten what a damp weight it can be on my heart, which is where it lands. When this came over me in the past, I could with some work determine the trigger. This time it does not seem like it is from the past, but more of a current situation.  I have felt it approaching for the last week. It sneaks up and floods me making me cry. The irony is that I feel alone even though I had a house full of people all weekend long and had a marvelous time. I was happy. But the shadow was sneaking up.  It makes no sense.

I cannot determine if the physical pain I have is a manifestation of the sadness or the pain is causing the sadness. I have been more active in the past couple of weeks because of the good weather and gardening. My reward is the leaden pain that is flowing through my legs and lower back. Now is the time I normally feel the need to justify the pain as people with their judging eyes say “could it be from being so heavy?”  Well of course it is, but it is not like I have just become the physical being I am overnight. This in not muscle pain …..and I start to try and explain the lava that slowly flows in my joints that if I am still, does not erupt into flames.  Psoriatic arthritis is a demon which has a mind of its own. The more I do, the more I hurt. Last night I could hardly get up the steps into my house. From the beginning, my goal for all of this therapy was to stop this pain. I wanted to get off the poison that I was taking to stop the progression of this disease. It is a drug with side effects so laden with the possibility of cancer that it is death sentence on its own. This is modern medicine. Now I am wondering if I am going to have to rely on this toxin in order to move. It is a duel with me being in the middle.

But to the melancholy; I am feeling lost. I know there would come a time when I would come to a crossroads and I would have to travel on independently. I thought I would be better equipped for this inevitable part of my journey but I am feeling abandoned. I think this is why my legs have been in so much pain lately. My body is mirroring my mentally induced  inability to move on. All three of my guides have traveled on in one form or another. Selfishly, I was not ready for this change. I am the lost child.  I can assign all kinds of deep meaning to all this, but the bottom line is… I hurt. When I hurt like this, I close off and retreat to my cave like a wounded animal. I can feel the lure of the darkness and I long for the cool stillness. But the world is calling and so I must hobble into my day.

 

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9 thoughts on “Lost child

  1. I am sorry for your pain. I know that it is nearly impossible to explain these invisible things to one who does not have the experience. Pain and sadness, sadness and pain. It almost becomes the question of which came first, the chicken or the egg? It is a tight circle, where the start point cannot be defined. You must do what you must, in order that you may continue to “do.” Will any of our bodies live forever? We roll the dice with what help is available until something better arrives. And you have many more guides than you know – trust me in this. They never leave you. They helped you to write this heartfelt post and show it to the world. It will encourage someone who is suffering – be certain of it. Namaste . . .

  2. Reblogged this on The Hawk's Tail and commented:
    A wonderful soul worth reading and following. I know some of my blogging friends struggle with similar physical/mental challenges – the more the better when it comes to supporting each other. Give her a shout! Thanks 🙂

  3. Hey there, I’m very sorry to read of your struggles. While my condition is different, I relate to your feelings. I have the same frustration, despondency and confusion. People who don’t live with an illness or disability find it very difficult to understand what others are going through. I try to work with my illness and sort out triggers, whether emotional or physical in the way of activity, but sometimes there seems to be no reason or or purpose apart from to torment me. I’m sitting with you in your pain because on many levels, in my own way, I do get it. I wish you peace.

      • Thanks Jane I’m so glad my blog helps you. I didn’t connect that it was you initially as I followed the link from Risinghawk. I am glad to support you through this. I was thinking of you today when I wrote my post although your experiences may be different. I have a lot of personal struggles over illness, as I’m sure you know!

    • Thank you for your comforting words. It brought me some much needed peace today. I enjoyed you blog as well. Your photographs are wonderful and has inspired me to post more of mine.

  4. I’ve been thinking about you, since RISINGHAWK brought you to my attention. Words, though well intended, don’t always help. Love, given freely, doesn’t always make a difference, when you’re feeling low and blue. It’s as if you are watching the world go by at a different speed. Sometimes you might wonder how everyone can just keep going, when you’re stuck in the mood, or a lost place, where there is pain, and a sense of detachment from everyday things. But you know…I’ve learned something during my walk through life. What I’ve learned is that whatever you feel, will pass. Nothing lasts forever, not the good stuff or the bad. The thing is, to have the strength to wait it out. To know, positively, without any doubt at all, that this darkness will pass. And it will. I promise. Just be strong and wait. Once it is over, you will look back and rehear the words that were said to you and you will recognize the love that was sent your way…and you will be happy again…until the next time, because life is like that. There’s a next time for everything. But CHANGE is our constant companion, so know that however you feel right now…you won’t feel like forever. You didn’t feel like that before so you know there are times when things are better. Don’t be afraid, because fear makes everything seem more real, and it is not real, it is a passing emotion or feeling and it will leave you in its wake, as it moves on, and your emerge victorious once again. We are warriors on this plane and we must be strong and vigilant. You can do this. I know that you can. You can hold out until it passes and when it’s gone, write yourself a note, put it somewhere you can see it, so that the next time your foe rears it’s head, you will remember that you are stronger than anything that life can throw at you, because you have beaten this thing before and you can beat it again. Many blessings on you.

    • Don’t negate the power of words as yours are strong medicine. And I know that love does make a difference, but it is our capacity to receive it that makes it work. You are very right that this too shall pass. It is already making its exit. Yes it will come again and I will be just as frustrated. The power if has over me has lessened in the time it stays with me and I have the ability to smell its approach. The spiral downwards is terrifying as I always worry that just once, I will not be able to get back up.

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