Charting a purpose

Purpose! Why are you here? I do not have a clear purpose, not something defined clearly and succinctly. This challenge to create this map kept me awake last night. It is very easy to define my desires and also what I do not want for myself. But in my most current lessons, I realized as I read that I do not have a solidly formed purpose; defined and charted with goals to achieve a specific outcome. It was a rude awakening and I need to build this construct in order to continue on my journey.
One goal I have always had is not to get defeated when I am rejected. I do not want to hurt anymore when I reach out and I am ignored. I do not want that pit in my gut that says something is wrong, I have failed. It takes every inch of strength to overcome this insecurity and fear to become assertive and self-assured. It feels like people see through me as there is no substance to my being. I am easily dismissed. It is a horrible feeling. I have a lousy foundation that is often shaken with the slightest breeze.
This journey I have been on has resulted in taking down my past walls of protection. Their false sense of strength bolstered me when I was at my weakest. I am very vulnerable right now. At times the exposure is too great, like this morning. I want to escape and tell the world to continue on without me. The cost is too high; my fuel tank is on empty.
I have spent the last months trying to insert myself in other people’s plans only to be turned away. I understand completely in my cognitive reasoning, but my heart is tender. I do not fit into the direction even for the place where I am employed and thought I would have a big impact. The sense of being cast out and set adrift has taken its toll.
I cannot change the way people are. I can change the way I feel about what they do. I do not have to accept it. But I struggle with this because I am always amazed at the insensitivity of others. Some see me as weak and a target and I have allowed this, I know. I have never comprehended the perverse pleasure some get from belittling and destroying others. And yet, I was born and lived within that environment for most of my life. You would think I would have obtained some savvy in dealing with people. But alas, every new relationship I enter into I go with an open heart and hope. I will not change that because I think everyone deserves a chance. What I need to learn are tools to forgive, forget and move on. But here is the truth: I can forgive others and have often. I do not easily forgive myself. I do not forget my failures. My failures are like thorns that have been embedded in my skin and only hurt when I move.
It is a mission of mine to see that others do not suffer from feeling unworthy. I am a champion for the underdog. I see past what others may qualify as a deficit. I can also do this readily for others.
I struggle with this for myself.
The pathetic reason for that is I still believe that I am unworthy. I am not sure how to fix this.

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2 thoughts on “Charting a purpose

  1. I value you highly – in no way would I ignore you, or belittle you! I may be a little slow to respond sometimes, but that isn’t an indicator of whether I am interested or not. Keep doing what you are doing, in writing – things will begin to be revealed = the flower will begin to blossom. Namaste . . . .

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