No bicycle chain.

I am stuck. I am blind as I do not see where I am to go. I am deaf to what I should be hearing. It is very isolating and because it is not the first time I have experienced this, I resort to what I know. I have shut down.
This journey has taken a lot out of me and I am tired. Lately it feels like I am riding a bicycle with no chain. I am pedaling as fast as I can and not moving forward. I have forgotten where I came from and I should really rejoice in the passing of so many moments in retrospection. Each time I stopped to visit something from my past, I was able to really look at it for what it was and learn something. Before, I would zoom past only to circle back again and again. This time I was able to drop off the load and continue on my way lighter, taking only the provisions I needed.
I am not patient. I know this about myself. My quest for advancement has always been the driving force in my life. I also sought perfection, which I now know is illusive and not possible. The measurements of my past were not my own and I am grateful to have learned new methods of assessment that are based more on acceptance.
My current feeling is the cartoon “Wile E. Coyote” where I am the roadrunner, speeding in hyperspeed and abruptly I come to a complete stop. I feel the rebound of the stop and I utter, “Meep, Meep”, waiting for whatever is supposed to happen next. Hopefully it is not an anvil falling from the sky.
Because I am stuck, I sense the world continuing without me. Many things are in flux right now, me not being one of them. I learned this week that someone I looked up to and who really influenced my world for many years is leaving the area. This person started me over thirteen years ago on my journey with a loving nudge. After many years of not seeing her, she appeared again in my life serendipitously. Again, she faded but was always in the shadows guiding me. And recently, when I needed her gentle touch, she was there to validate my journey. I wish her well and I know she has impacted many like me and will continue to do so. But I had a sense of knowing she was there and it made me feel safe. Now I feel like the child left on the driveway waving a frantic goodbye as the parents leave for vacation.
My altruistic desire to do something to improve the world was also dashed recently when I came to the grown up realization that the world I worked in was not going to embrace a philosophy I wanted to teach. The disappointment lies not only in my inability to impact things for better, but that the direction of this field is one that is frightening and sterile. I do not embrace the foretold future. And yet, I will be thrust into it and dependent as all of us who will reach the coming of their senior years soon.
All my life I have struggled with people taking me seriously. It is because of my naive visions for a better world, my unbridled enthusiasm for a better place that I am often treated like a child relegated to a corner while the serious ones take charge. It is because of this treatment I shut down to protect myself. I fight back with sarcasm and private tears of disappointment. I work in a world of credentialed people who seem to not validate my hard earned credentialing. I have reverted to more of my childlike behavior by allowing this to devalue who I am and accepting their veiled comments followed by “you wouldn’t understand or you’re not a clinician”. I sulk off to the corner, isolate myself and prove they are right by permitting this behavior.
I have never not “had a plan.” Living in the present moment is very new for me and I am struggling with the concept. The problem is the present moment is empty. It is not bad, but it is not hopeful. I have always liked the anticipation of things to come, which sustained me when times were very bleak. I knew there was a promise of a better tomorrow. I do not sense something foreboding either. All through this journey, I have envisioned a future of making an impact on the world. I cannot see the rest of the road right now. But I know within the depth of my soul there is a purpose, something I am to do. I am not ready to coast through the rest of my life.
I need my bicycle chain put back on.

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